To tell my child that Father Christmas is not real?

[Purplelipgloss]

I have a newborn baby so I'm thinking ahead here and it is a conversation that DH and I have briefly touched upon in the past.

He thinks that we should tell DS because it's wrong to lie and parents should certainly not lie to their children - could cause trust issues etc.

I however, am a bit more of the opinion that we should play the Santas real game, he'll get over it. I think that the enjoyment in the belief you have as a child by far outweighs being honest here.

Just wondered what everyone else thought and if there were any stories that would help us make a final decision.

If your DC are upset one day that you lied then just say you were trying to bring magic and joy to their lives, just like millions of parents have done for generations.

"Lying is wrong" is a huge simplification that is told to kids who are not old enough to understand intricate ethics. It is not true. Its okay to lie in some situations and this is one.

When my kids are old enough to realise that father christmas is not real, they will be old enough to understand that rules of thumb they were told when young are not commandments carved in stone. There are always exceptions.

Lying is actually a vital human skill. Expecting anyone never to lie is unrealistic at best and damaging at worst.

But there’s a massive difference to my mind in telling a white lie to save someone’s feelings (“no, your bum doesn’t look big in that”) but actively creating a physical myth for tiny babies, toddlers and young children who look to you for guidance and to ensure their wellbeing is in another league.

Eh? What’s an alternative truth then? Do you honestly believe that Santa is real (or whatever ‘truth’ you would tell a child? I don’t happen to feel strongly either way on this one, but you can’t claim that the big man in a red suit is true... Or maybe you can. Genuinely curious!

In a sense of course he is real. As a concept, as a shared cultural experience, as a phenomenon on such a massive scale that has lasted for many centuries. He's persisted as such for a reason, because it has value.

but actively creating a physical myth for tiny babies, toddlers and young children who look to you for guidance and to ensure their wellbeing is in another league

You're not creating anything! It's a myth that predates you by over half a millenia. They are looking to you for fun and magic and love as well, and to teach them about their culture and help them share in it. It's all around them, you aren't creating it, you're just choosing to cut them off from it.

That’s a cop out.

The original father Xmas gave anonymously, for no reason but it was a kind thing to do. Nowadays it’s all “behave or you’re going on the naughty list”, “the elf is watching you” and utter devastation/life devoid of joy and magic if anyone else chooses not to play along.

No it isn't. And nowadays its not any such thing.

Why are you so negative about it? Don't do it if you want, but it's rather arrogant to think you're somehow better than those who do.

www.nysun.com/editorials/yes-virginia/68502/

When you tell them he comes down the chimney then make footprints, eat a mince pie, bite carrots etc you make it (seem) real to a child that knows no different. When you shout “he’s been” excitedly and point at the pile of “proof” you’re making it (seem) real. When you take them to see a person in a red suit and refer to them as santa and encourage them to ask for things that later magically appear, you’re making it (seem) real. It’s not a story. It’s a thing that actually happens to your child. It’s way past being a concept or a story when you do everything you can to stop them questioning it.

Why are you so negative about it? Don't do it if you want, but it's rather arrogant to think you're somehow better than those who do.

Please advise where I have suggested that!

Guilty conscience coming out, curry?

I see the Santa myth as teaching them bigger truths.

The vast vast majority of parents are happy with it and the vast, vast majority of DC love the experience, so the position titty is taking on this thread seems somewhat over invested.

Having said that, titty and other likeminded people can do what they like, it's nothing to do with me. Equally, their views are irrelevant to what I'll teach my children.

I don't do hardly any of that. And have nothing to feel guilty about.

I think you do though.

Why must Santa be a person and not a concept?
Recently saw an excellent post on faceache about someone who, when the time was right, told their child about how much they’ve grown over the past year (stated some examples of how the DC had been kind, selfless, thoughtful) and how it was now time for them to become ‘a santa’, i.e. to identify a person who needed something, to get that something for them and deliver it without being seen. The whole point was to say that Santa is a concept of selfless giving, not one specific person, as we can all be Santa’s. It helps to explain why some people ‘believe in a santa’ and others don’t, and why you see several Santa’s who look slightly different.
This way, santa was never a lie and they get to enjoy the receiving and giving.

I found out at a young age and it never ruined Christmas for me. I found out asked my mum if it was true and she said yes and not to tell my brother! my Mum explained how she and my dad were effectively Santa , providing the presents. I don’t get it when kids as old as ten still believe!

My DH was the same, but now the kids are of an age where they're starting to ask, he can't bring himself to spoil the magic ;)

He's sometimes said 'ask your Mum', and he did concede to DD1 that the Easter Bunny wasn't real, but they haven't asked too directly about Santa yet...

If you ban Father Christmas, I hope you will stop all other lies.
Oh you think you don’t lie?
“Your baby is so cute”
“No, no trouble at all”
“Anytime, don’t hesitate “
“I’d love to”
“I’m sorry I can’t make it tonight/next week”
“The meal you just spent 3 hours cooking for me was delicious “

You lie, even if it’s with the best of intentions, you lie. Don’t resent your poor child believing in Father Christmas and all the magic because you want a clear conscience.

Just a word of warning, when DD ( Down Syndrome ) was 8 and at mainstream school I was concerned she may get laughed at for still believing in FC but told her it was a big secret and not to tell any of the little children. Told her it was Dad.
Move to Easter DH was picking her up from school standing with the head and parent governer DD bouncing up and down said loudly Dad we have a big secret it is you that comes in my bedroom at night........long uncomfortable pause......yes Dad its you that comes in and leaves presents not FC. Poor DH is still trying to get over it!

greyponcho good idea

I totally understand your impulse and reasoning. We are telling it as a story. I’m not pretending it’s real but we are trying to make it magical, a bit like taking little ones to a children’s play. They don’t have to believe it’s totally real but equally if the want to believe there’s a bit of ambiguity... if that makes sense!

We have tested and tasted too much, lover-
Through a chink too wide there comes in no wonder.
But here in the Advent-darkened room
Where the dry black bread and the sugarless tea
Of penance will charm back the luxury
Of a child's soul, we'll return to Doom
The knowledge we stole but could not use

From Advent by Patrick Kavanagh

Dad we have a big secret it is you that comes in my bedroom at night.......

Oh, your poor DH!

Tell the truth.
There is no Santa
There is no Easter Bunny
There is no God.

If you want to not lie to your kids how about "you can be anything you want to be" and that stuff. we lie to our kids all the time, why is this harmless and fun one so awful?

Watch miracle on 34th Street. That's all I'll say.

Teaching kids about Santa is preparing them for the greatest and most harmful lie of all God.

I have so many amazing childhood memories of believing in FC. It was just so magical and exciting. Watching Xmas movies on Xmas Eve and thinking about FC getting ready to leave me presents is something I always remember fondly.

I never felt sad when I realised he wasn't real because it was a gradual process. No one sat me down and told me. I worked it out slowly myself. No trust issues.