Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my child that Father Christmas is not real?

208 replies

Purplelipgloss · 07/12/2017 00:11

I have a newborn baby so I'm thinking ahead here and it is a conversation that DH and I have briefly touched upon in the past.

He thinks that we should tell DS because it's wrong to lie and parents should certainly not lie to their children - could cause trust issues etc.

I however, am a bit more of the opinion that we should play the Santas real game, he'll get over it. I think that the enjoyment in the belief you have as a child by far outweighs being honest here.

Just wondered what everyone else thought and if there were any stories that would help us make a final decision.

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 08/12/2017 10:14

There is nothing remotely "magical" about looking into an enquiring 5 year old's face and blatantly lying

I feel a bit like this too. I don't hugely object to FC "on principle"; it's a bit of fun. Which is fine. But the way people take it so seriously alarms me slightly - Christmas is "ruined" if your kids think you sorted out their presents rather than a made up character? Ruined? Why does it matter so much? They still enjoy the day and the gifts. They will still look forward to Christmas next year.

I think FC is fine as a bit of fun. As some totemic figure to represent all that is good and missing in childhood? Not so much. I sort of see him as a bit of a step up from the Gruffalo, or something like that. Nice story, bit of fun with the kids, a collective character we can all enjoy and talk about. But nothing to get too worked up about.

Love51 · 08/12/2017 10:34

The thing is, by the time your child is old enough, you might have spent entire weeks addressing them as captain barnacles or Timmy the dog. My daughter's behaviour was perfect if she could be princess holly and I was nanny plum, we could run the most tedious errands in inclement weather and no whinging. I'm fairly sure she 'knows' at 6 but I wouldn't ruin it by asking her! She does ask if things are real, and I tell her if she's sure she wants to know. We play loads of make believe games, not just at Christmas. Topsy and bloody Tim, where I'm grandma, and some of our own invention.
Also, I lie to them. That exciting looking box? Something for daddy's work. That really annoying toy? Not sure! (I know exactly where I've stashed it!) There's a minimum age to go on the high rise bed, turns out the kids think that's a manufacturer law - I made it up. Also, daddy's gone food shopping or is at work. Not to Argos to get Xmas presents. People are just ill, not alcoholic or mentally ill (not people DC live with, they see them from time to time and not when 'ill'). You filter your child's world a bit, but remember they also filter yours. And mine might spend weeks playing make believe, but not all kids will. Basically, wait and see!

Honeybooboo123 · 08/12/2017 10:39

my DD asked me whether Father Christmas was real. We, like many, have never said definitely that he is real, just asked her opinion.
Me: do you think that Mummy and Daddy are organised enough to buy you both presents, wrap them, put them under the tree and in your stockings, without you knowing?
Her: no, good point, fair enough.
!!!

TittyGolightly · 08/12/2017 11:00

Santa is an imaginative figure who teaches us that there is generosity, love and magic in this world. It's a lovely thought and one that I want to pass on to my children.

Santa is only one way of passing that down (and I’d argue that present lists and threats about naughty and nice run counter to those qualities).

December is focussed on kind acts towards others for us. Not to receive anything in return, but because it’s important.

juddyrockingcloggs · 08/12/2017 11:11

*m0therofdragons
*
I couldn't agree more!

I look back on my 'believing' years and the effort that my parents put into making it as magical as possible and my heart gets warm. I hope I am giving my son the same warm memories.

Tell your kids what ever you like, that's up to you but please be considerate and make your children know not to spoil the magic for others.

Aria2015 · 08/12/2017 11:15

I think it’s harmless fun. It’s just encouraging their imagination in my opinion. I’ve only met people sad that they found out the truth too young - mainly a result of older siblings!

Tsundoku · 08/12/2017 11:26

I think a lot of people who object to the 'lie' are projecting an adult's thought process onto young kids. The way a four-year-old sees the world is not as simple as that dreams versus reality diagram in Father Ted. Imagination and fact are interchangable: the entire world is full of inexplicable and unlikely events, some of which are real and some are pretense, but they don't yet feel that adult anxiety about dividing everything into truth and fiction. The borders are permeable. DD doesn't expect her toys to walk across the room, but they're also animate enough to merit conversation and games and to be tucked up with her at night. Just because something's not literally true doesn't make it a lie, to her.

Gradually, she'll develop the knowledge and critical reasoning necessary to start making distinctions between dreams and reality, and a grown-up appreciation for factual accuracy (or she'll skip this developmental stage and go into politics), but I don't feel like I'm cheating her by participating, right now, in her individual and culturally-acquired fantasies (I don't remember ever sitting down and telling her about Santa).

It would be unkind to bully a child who didn't believe in Santa into feigning belief, or to mock their doubts or questions. But I think it's equally unkind to try to make a mini-adult of your kid, especially when belief in Santa is so widespread amongst young children. There's an element of superiority in refusing to play along which is gratifying to the adult but, actually, not that nice for the child. They're the ones who'll have to sit through conversations with their peers, sensing a huge disconnect between what others sincerely believe and what they've been told, whilst the parents (surrounded by peers who all have the samegrown-up knowledge that Santa isn't real) congratulate themselves on being so rational.

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 08/12/2017 11:38

My parents never went with the whole Father Christmas story. Before I was three, I tearfully went to my mum begging her to confirm that the story I had just been told about a creepy old man with a beard coming into my room at night wasn't true. I am not scarred for life and have always loved Christmas.

I now have a dilemma about how to approach it with ds - he's 2 this year. I think I'm probably just going to tell him the story as a story. He can decide on his own what to do with it. If he asks, I think I'll probably tell him the truth whatever age he is. Right now he still seems to have some confusion between the 'Christmas scarecrow' (aka a nutcracker) and Father Christmas - and he is very clear that the pressure should be on my to provide his presents as I am a more tangible person to make repeated requests to!

strawberrypenguin · 08/12/2017 11:40

It’s not a lie though is it? It’s magic. It’s childhood. It’s imagination. Are you going to tell your DS that Mr Tumble isn’t real, that stories are just made up every time you read one. Just sounds joyless to me, the world needs a bit of magic

TittyGolightly · 08/12/2017 12:02

It’s not a lie though is it?

It’s not a fucking truth, is it?!

TittyGolightly · 08/12/2017 12:03

Just sounds joyless to me, the world needs a bit of magic

Far from joyless, actually. And depends how you define magic.

demirose87 · 08/12/2017 12:07

Don't spoil the magic of christmas for the short time they are children. They have years ahead of them to not believe.

PinkyBlunder · 08/12/2017 12:13

Just sounds joyless to me, the world needs a bit of magic

Oh please. Is making up fictional stuff and convincing your child it’s real the only way of creating a joyful, magical Christmas? Bloody hell. Our Christmases are always magical and joyful because I make it so. Father Christmas probably features in less that 1% of that.

And yes, my DC knows that what she sees on TV and what she reads isn’t necessarily real. She’s always known the difference between reality and fiction i.e countryfile and Mr Tumble. Sometimes if she’s not sure, she asks and I tell her. I’ve never really understood how some kids think everything on TV is real.

PinkyBlunder · 08/12/2017 12:15

And fuck giving a fictional character all the credit for all her presents. I want her to be a part of the importance of giving and receiving presents to/from those you care about. Which she actually finds quite magical.

GreenTulips · 08/12/2017 12:26

The kids have always been part of giving presents at Christmas. They come shopping and make choices and wrap gifts.

Santa brings them stockings even now as teens they still have a magical wonder about Christmas even if they don't believe. They love the Christmas films and the joy of giving

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 08/12/2017 12:32

OP here’s a grip to hand to your DH. Ask him to point out a single adult who has trust issues because of Santa. Whilst you’re at it give him this pot of joy so he can kill it and a humbug to suck on. I have a 5year old the magic of Christmas wouldn’t be there without Santa, how’s you kid going to join in the excited discussions at school about Santa, the excitement of wiring that letter, all the kids at school telling him he won’t get any presents as he doesn’t believe. You child is not a mini adult, he is a child and deserves the magic, plenty of time to know about how shit reality is later in life

LagunaBubbles · 08/12/2017 12:36

And fuck giving a fictional character all the credit for all her presents.

One or 2 presents here. Dont get what the problem is here either, I dont need "credit" for buying my children presents.

NcWebServices · 08/12/2017 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PinkyBlunder · 08/12/2017 12:48

And then I said Laguna....

I want her to be a part of the importance of giving and receiving presents to/from those you care about. Which she actually finds quite magical.

Which is just another example of why you don’t need to go to great lengths to convince your child of something fictional to have a magical Christmas. Let’s not purposefully take things out of context. To suggest that your Christmas isn’t joyful just because you don’t ‘do’ Father Christmas is just plain stupid. If you also read further up the thread you’ll also see my DD gets a stocking because it’s tradition for us, not necessarily because she believes Father Christmas delivered it.

And yes, same approach for the Easter Bunny. We hide eggs in the garden, she doesn’t necessarily believe it was the Easter bunny, she has a great time finding and eating them.

Not Tinkerbell though because she is actually a fictional character in a book (Peter Pan) Grin

QueenUnicorn · 08/12/2017 13:17

My memories of FC are magical. I want the same for my children.

Amanduh · 08/12/2017 13:20

Oh ffs. As if telling a story about Father Christmas is 'lying to your children' and giving them 'trust issues.' It's not deception either. How over dramatic. I do hear some rubbish on here but honestly, do me a favour 🙄

QueenUnicorn · 08/12/2017 13:22

And fuck giving a fictional character all the credit for all her presents
I still remember one Christmas receiving 2 polly pockets, 1 from FC and one from my parents. I liked them both but the one from FC was my absolute favourite, but I made sure I didn't let on to my parents that I preferred FC's gift to theirs, I told them I loved them both the same. I remember when I found out the truth and I felt overwhelmed with appreciation for my parents, who had got them both for me. :)
Anyway the point of my ramble is that you do eventually get the credit either way....

LorelaiVictoriaGilmore · 08/12/2017 13:26

But why do stories need to be real to be magical? I never believed in Father Christmas and the stories about Father Christmas have always been magical to me...

I always found C.S. Lewis's Narnia stories magical too. Did I believe there was an actual place that I could get to through a wardrobe... not so much.

Namechange16 · 08/12/2017 13:32

I feel sorry for your son. If you bring him up right, this won't be an issue. If he has issues when he's older I assure you that it won't be because he believed in Father Christmas!!

Namechange16 · 08/12/2017 13:34

theonlywaystitsup were you an anxious child? This behaviour doesn't sound normal at all.