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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my child that Father Christmas is not real?

208 replies

Purplelipgloss · 07/12/2017 00:11

I have a newborn baby so I'm thinking ahead here and it is a conversation that DH and I have briefly touched upon in the past.

He thinks that we should tell DS because it's wrong to lie and parents should certainly not lie to their children - could cause trust issues etc.

I however, am a bit more of the opinion that we should play the Santas real game, he'll get over it. I think that the enjoyment in the belief you have as a child by far outweighs being honest here.

Just wondered what everyone else thought and if there were any stories that would help us make a final decision.

OP posts:
hedlesschicken · 07/12/2017 20:45

Uuhhh there some touchy people on here.

I quite like the luck on both of my daughters faces when they see Santa and the build up to 'him' coming. And if that what they wish to believe then I'm happy with that.

Of course most children have happy magical moments throughout the year. Isn't that normal and not just 'lucky'.

Christmas is a lovely, magical time of year.

If my daughter asks me mommy's is Santa real whisky she is 7 and 8 I will be telling her yes. However I think most of the time them finding out is just something that happens naturally... through talking to there friends and figuring it out.

My mom never had the 'Santa isn't real' conversation with me or my 3 siblings we just realised ourselves and it hasn't put a stop on our lives or created trust issues with us.

TittyGolightly · 07/12/2017 20:46

Christmas is a lovely, magical time of year.

Yes, it is (mostly). Even if you shun the fat twat!

hedlesschicken · 07/12/2017 20:46

How do you get 'whisky' form what should have been 'when'

hedlesschicken · 07/12/2017 20:47

I would never shun Santa 😂

TittyGolightly · 07/12/2017 20:47

You’re welcome to him!

hedlesschicken · 07/12/2017 20:48

😘

LemonysSnicket · 07/12/2017 20:50

You might break a lot of hearts when your child starts telling everyone in reception.
Also i figured it out very young, and i pretended to my parents till i was 10 that I still believed because i loved the traditions of it all. told my mum and she agreed to pretend till i was 11. I told my mother everything and cant keep anything from her, never ever lied to her really.

TittyGolightly · 07/12/2017 20:53

You might break a lot of hearts when your child starts telling everyone in reception. 🙄

Fekko · 07/12/2017 20:55

You will be on a thread on here on a few years 'some little Herbert has just told Timmy that there is no santa! Christmas has been stolen! His childhood ruined! We will all be on therapy!'

hedlesschicken · 07/12/2017 21:00

I'm sure you guys will be happy with the 'we told you so' comments

beautifulgirls · 07/12/2017 21:06

We all set out with ideals with a newborn, and then your parenting choices adapt away from the ideals you held when reality starts to kick in. Children are not damaged by the Santa story, they take great delight in fun it brings. My middle dd worked it out aged 6, she asked we were honest but then brought her on side to be helping us with the fun which she has loved every bit as much since for her sisters. Youngest just questioning now but no direct questions yet, oldest has SEN, still believes and we will have to have that discussion tactfully but meanwhile she still loves the fun.

SheepyFun · 07/12/2017 21:08

Ironically, despite us telling DD that Santa is a game/story, she's convinced he's real after chatting to classmates (she's in reception). So your DH may find that your child believes whatever you do!

Incidentally, to the PP who asked about telling your 4 yo about sex, we've told DD that babies are made by adults (one of each sex) having a special cuddle. We haven't explained about the penis/vagina bit yet, though she does know that's where babies come out. She asked, so I answered truthfully but also age appropriately. Is this not what others do?

GummyGoddess · 07/12/2017 21:10

@TheOnlyWaysTitsUp I'm amazed I've heard another person say how uncomfortable FC made them as a child, I thought I was the only one! It really marred Christmas as a child and I've never really enjoyed it. I don't even like Christmas films with him in.

I'm hoping to enjoy it through DC and hopefully he will enjoy the FC belief as I love to see him happy and excited. Maybe it will put an end to my intense dislike of FC as I'm obviously in the minority of feeling stressed and freaked out by it.

Cleanermaidcook · 07/12/2017 22:04

Wait, what. Santa's not real??? Wash your mouth out!

My opinion - life is shit enough. Let them believe in the magic while they can.

Isadora2007 · 07/12/2017 22:14

But they aren’t allowed to just believe it...adults actively seek to prove it and talk about it and bribe etc.
It’s definitely more for the adults benefit than the kids when you see a child crying in terror as their parents laugh and insist they get their photo taken with santa...
it’s definitely more for the adults when they are threatening the santa cam watching for bad behaviour...
it’s definitely more for the parents when they actually reply with “if you don’t believe then you won’t receive” when asked if he is real...

GummyGoddess · 07/12/2017 22:20

@Isadora2007 I have no intention of telling him if he's naughty he doesn't get anything, or the elf on the shelf watching them and giving out what look like festive asbos.

As long as he is happy I'll continue, if he is unhappy then something will obviously have to change.

cunningartificer · 07/12/2017 22:27

Hmm. After discussing this with my sister who was very anti Santa and DH we went for honesty with very small DC about how mummy and daddy got stocking presents and were devastated when very small articulate DC said “Oh. That’s a shame. It would be so lovely if there were still magic in the world “. We back-pedalled at speed about occasionally helping out the old guy and still have Santa now they’re all grown up. It’s been great; they are all unscarred and not foolishly credulous. Reality is overrated, and the idea that you get presents from the benign universe just because you’re a child is pretty beguiling. Children are good at dealing with this and it’s lovely. Don’t spoil it.

TittyGolightly · 07/12/2017 22:47

devastated when very small articulate DC said “Oh. That’s a shame. It would be so lovely if there were still magic in the world “

Hmm
RiceBurner · 07/12/2017 23:37

OP - I am with your husband!

Cos if you want to teach your children not to lie, you are on very dodgy ground if you start off by telling them lies yourself?! Be consistent!

What I personally hate about the FC lie is that while most ppl in the UK do it (or used to) there is a horrible amount of pressure imposed on the rest of us who don't want to tell our kids any lies.

Because if we want to be honest with our kids, we are (illogically) supposed to tell THEM to LIE to their classmates? (To not say that they know FC is not real.) Ridiculous!!

If someone made up a story about dinosaurs living at the bottom of the garden, (or whatever), must we all join in just cos their kids love it?

When I had young kids, we were living in a Muslim country/city. We are atheists with a Christian background. I didn't want to do FC. But as we were part of an expat group (with a British-run school), the other Brit mums made it very clear that I shd not let the side down.

But how to explain to little kids that FC is nice/brings good kids lot of gifts when the kids down the road don't know anything about it? (And don't get anything.)

In today's multicultural Britain, by all means celebrate your festivals how you want to, but don't expect other ppl to tell LIES to THEIR CHILDREN just to please YOU?

Even if (as is often insisted) this is a fun lie, it is still untrue and makes children confused when FC is seemingly not equally nice to all families.

Eg I remember I got a brand new bike from FC while my friend next door got an obviously used/2nd hand bike. It didn't seem fair. It was awkward. The only logical explanation (which was obvious to me as young as I was) was that her parents were poorer and they also had more children than my family. (So they all got fewer gifts and less expensive ones.)

I worked it out for myself (over time) and was then blamed for enlightening me younger brother.

And yes I was confused and disappointed in my parents when I realised I/we had been lied to. (And maybe that's when I started to think God wasn't real either!)

I wish ppl would just have a nice (charitable) Christmas with some gifts for the children, without going down the FC route. Just say the gifts are from who bought them? It's easier and kids will still be happy.

Pretty sure FC was (originally) a clergy man who probably gave food to really poor ppl/kids - not Xboxes and pyjamas to kids who have everything already?

It's all gone too far now, and become a binge of excesses. (With the risk of getting into debt to keep up appearances.)

Why can't we be free to celebrate Christmas (or to not celebrate Christmas) the way we want to and not be bullied into this FC madness.

For non-Christians, it is really just a mid-winter feast to celebrate the coming of longer days/road to spring and to get together with friends and family? (With no place there for the FC myth.)

I am happy to decorate the house and to eat, drink and be merry with family and friends! I am not a misery!

Jesus (Christ) seems to have been largely forgotten these days anyhow? (Sidelined completely. So I call in Xmas.) And praying to God to protect us is out too. Now it's all about lists of wants to FC and commercial consumption. Sad.

Traditions change - and I think that FC is no longer relevant in a multi-cultural society. So time to stop the pretence? Please!

DorisDangleberry · 07/12/2017 23:44

RiceBurner I was gong to tell my children that Father Christmas was not real this year, but your post is so full of self righteous shit that I have decided to keep the magic going for at least another year

iboughtsnowboots · 07/12/2017 23:51

I was your husband OP, mostly because realizing my cash strapped parents were giving us gifts they couldn't afford was devastating for me as a kid and ruined xmas for several years. My husband thought I was being a fruit loop, we comprised on a stocking and a low key Santa role. I realized I had been a bit of a fruit loop, the dc love it. Two years ago I added a couple of crazy non reporting gnomes, the dc love them even more. The are only small once and as we leave this phase I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

iboughtsnowboots · 07/12/2017 23:57

I have some sympathy with rice we are in a very multi cultural school overseas and dd's bf has announced she doesn't believe in Santa only St Nicholas, we have had a discussion about how they are cultural variations of the same idea. It does make it clear to dc not everyone believes the same thing or has the same experience.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 08/12/2017 00:04

trust issues!

Grin Grin

Oh Mumsnet, you are a tonic.

ShizzleYoDrizzle · 08/12/2017 00:06

And as for the po faced essay a few posts above...

Oysterbabe · 08/12/2017 00:07

Ah this reminds me of those Chick tracts about Santa and Harry Potter etc. If you're not familiar with Chick tracts you're missing out, making your kids believe in santa will turn them into killers don't you know.
www.chick.com/m/reading/tracts/readtract.asp?stk=1033