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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

317 replies

orangecloves · 01/12/2017 14:37

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

OP posts:
DiegoMadonna · 01/12/2017 15:59

If you're happy with it and they're happy with it, what's the problem?

brasty · 01/12/2017 15:59

Yes working class women left home if they had jobs where they lived in, such as in service, working in hotels and lots of nurses. And some women took those jobs so they could move away from home. Rent was expensive though, so it was hard for working class people to live alone. Although some will have.

In some cities you had the bedsits though, one room. And some people could afford to move into these.

SilverySurfer · 01/12/2017 15:59

tinysparklyshoes
Working class people in the past used to stay with parents until they got married, and often afterwards for quite a time

Again, you can't generalise this at all. My mother and most of her friends left home and moved to the city and lived in flatshares, we're talking late 60's here.

You're absolutely right, when I was 20 in the mid 1960s my friends and I left home to flatshare. Of course some married straight from their parents' home but by no means all. Actually I think some had problems going from parents to marital home. It was a bit of a shock to the system to suddenly have joint responsibility for everything in the home, shopping, cooking etc.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:02

I just don’t have any interest from men so I don’t date. I would if I could.

OP posts:
brasty · 01/12/2017 16:02

Where do you socialise? Do you work?

Rinoachicken · 01/12/2017 16:04

How long did you try living alone for? Have you tried online dating?

Cornishclio · 01/12/2017 16:04

I don't think you are pathetic but I would think living at home with your parents in your late 30s is not helping you learn to live independently. I have some sympathy though as my younger daughter hated living on her own and moved back in with us after splitting with her boyfriend. She was much younger then though and lived 200 miles away from us and her friends and was only 22. She moved into her own flat a year later as having got used to having her independence decided that going back to living with us after university was not for her and then she met her present DH. My elder daughter likes her own space and lives on her own.

If you have debts and cannot afford to live on your own I would use this time to get your finances in order. At some point if you do not meet a partner the likelihood is you will need to learn to live alone.

Rebeccaslicker · 01/12/2017 16:04

I don't think it's pathetic. It is rather unusual (in Britain, not in other countries) and that's probably why you get comments.

The question is what YOU and your parents think about it. If you're all happy, who cares what anyone else thinks? If you'd like to try living elsewhere, then that's something you can look into. But don't feel pressured into it.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:05

Yes, I work. I don’t socialise much.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/12/2017 16:07

I think it depends on the parents. I know I certainly wouldn’t like my NT grown up kids living with me until middle age. I would feel like I’d failed and I would stress about what would happen to them when I died while they’ve hidden away from life during their young years.

It’s a waste.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:08

I think my parents do feel like that, but I don’t think it’s because I’m living with them exactly.

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 01/12/2017 16:10

It can be bloody difficult to set up home on your own, and if you don't like it, why bother. Half the nation is stuck in relationships they don't want because they don't like living alone either, and you've done better than them. Bleak, but a fact, well done you.

I don't think it's pathetic (if you're female - men have other motivations) but I do suspect you'd have more fun if you got out more, regardless of where you sleep. Volunteer, join a group - grim thought, but brilliant to do and easier than it sounds.

Flowershower · 01/12/2017 16:10

Sorry, I am the same age as you and think it is very very weird unless you are a carer for them. You sound too comfortable OP. You sound as though you're living a passive life, waiting for things to happen to you - meeting someone etc. But maybe you need to step out of the comfort zone that being at home is and learn to stand on your own two feet, otherwise I fear that life is just going to pass you by.

expatinspain · 01/12/2017 16:11

I live in Spain. It's normal here, if you are unmarried, to live with your family. If it works for you and your family, I don't see the problem.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/12/2017 16:11

You sound stuck. Stuck in a life you don't want to have, because someone hasn't come along and provided you with your ideal one.

At 37, with a job, no dependants and I'm assuming your parents aren't charging you market rent plus 1/3 of all bills, how are you in debt? How long will it be until you've cleared that? Could you pay it down quicker? Then start saving, even if you continue to live with your parents, I would look at an investment property and rent it out. Start paying a mortgage at least so you have security for your own old age. Your parents' house value could be eaten up with care home fees, particularly if you have to work so can't look after them.

Worth considering as others have said, it might be off putting for a potential partner that you live with your parents. Are you doing on-line dating etc or are you just hoping you bump into "the one" in your day-to-day life? That rarely happens in your late 30s.

brasty · 01/12/2017 16:13

If you don't socialise much, you are unlikely to meet interested men. I would focus on paying off your debt, and building a social life.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 01/12/2017 16:13

If you're happy then fine, but you should maybe think about what you do when they die. (Sorry to be so morbid, but I know someone whose two children (nearly 40) still live with her and that is a concern of hers.)

I couldn't live with my mother again, but that's due to our differences. She'd want my company all the time so I wouldn't be allowed to, for example, sit in my room reading for any length of time, and as for me having a bloke back, forget it. But I wouldn't discount it if necessary and she were able to let me be more independent.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:17

Well, it’s not morbid - they may well die within 10 years. I think I’d be ok.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 16:18

If you don't socialise much then you won't meet men to date unless you try online.

Problem is your family are your emotional security blanket and your social life as long as you're with them you don't really need to put yourself out there.

This will actually increase your chances of being alone in later life. So if you really don't like living alone and want to be alone when you're older, you really need to screw your courage up and get out there.

Fairylea · 01/12/2017 16:18

It’s fine if that’s what you want. It’s seen as odd in our society but I really don’t think it matters - I lived with my mum until I was 32 - we actually ended up moving from our family home into a home we owned together because I was a high earner and saved enough to contribute towards a mortgage on a larger house for us both. During the years I lived with mum as an adult I was married and then divorced (nothing to do with living with mum!) and had a dd (then dh also lived with us). Not everyone minds living with parents.

Eventually my mum decided she wanted to live elsewhere and so when I met my now dh we remortgaged and gave my mum her share of the property so she could buy her own house. I’m 37 now and it’s worked out really well. She doesn’t live far away and we all get on great.

I do think however that re the dating side of things you have to make it happen. Join dating sites (that’s where I met dh), get an evening job in a bar or restaurant to meet lots of people, do evening courses etc. Otherwise you just won’t ever meet anyone. I know it sucks but love just won’t fall in your lap.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:21

I’ve tried online, thanks. I think I’m just not for it or it’s not for me - I don’t think I’d know what to do on a date and I can’t see any decent man being interested!

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 01/12/2017 16:22

tinysparklyshoes I definitely need to spend time on the naughty step, then.

You seem really upset that I have this experience. I shouldn't have been so lazy when I typed my first post, as I knew lots of people who moved away as apprentices etc but most people stayed at home until they got married. I don't know if the housing was set up more for families than single people or whether it was cultural, but people just didn't leave home until there was a concrete and definite reason to do so - like marriage or a job. People didn't 'live in sin' either, or if they did then they had to accept that everyone and their cat talked about it.

OP It can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the people. I know one family where the daughter is so enmeshed in her parents' lives that she's going to have real trouble managing independently or ever having a successful relationship. On the other hand, my father moved in with us and it worked really well, because we were looking outward and doing different things and bringing in different experiences.

I would only warn that there is a good chance you will be seen in the family as the one left to take care of of elderly relatives and also the one who gets all the unwanted family photos dumped on if you continue to live at home.

Rebeccaslicker · 01/12/2017 16:23

Orange - now that is a v sad and interesting post. Why don't you think anyone would be interested in you?

2rebecca · 01/12/2017 16:23

I probably do see it as a sign as someone not being fully emotionally mature. To me having your own space and wanting your own space is part of growing up. I wouldn't date a man who had never moved away from his parents. If you live alone you have to try harder to meet people and socialise and are more likely to meet people than if you just go home to your parents. You could live near them and still visit. Don't they want you to flee the nest as well? You're a bit big to still be their baby bird.

brasty · 01/12/2017 16:23

Yes it does sound like your parents are your security blanket. So because you live with them, you haven't been forced to get out there and build a social life. Because you have company at home.

I have seen this with other people who live with parents at your age. It becomes too easy to become passive and not take risks.