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Original poster

To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

317 replies

orangecloves · 01/12/2017 14:37

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

OP posts:
Dani240 · 01/12/2017 18:45

OP you say that you've tried everything, but you haven't. There are clubs you're yet to join, friends you're yet to meet, people you're yet to date, mental health interventions you're yet to try.

I think what you're trying to say is that you've put yourself out there so many times and it hasn't worked out that you're too despondent to try again.

But your options are to live this life that you don't like, or to try again. And nobody can take that step apart from you.

Good luck with it.

loobyloo1234 · 01/12/2017 18:45

My parents want me to be married and normal.

Society says hey ... blah blah hey OP? You are normal. Being married doesn't make someone normal. I promise you that

I think a house share would be a good start? Do you think it might be worth giving it another go?

Or what about a change of jobs? New people, new scenery

RapunzelsRealMom · 01/12/2017 18:46

OP, it seems that you've given up, which is the saddest thing about this thread.

I'm sorry but I couldn't be attracted to someone with your attitude (the way you refer to yourself and your life must be apparent to people you spend time with, even if you don't intend it) so I can understand why it is difficult to date.

And yes, living with your parents at 37 is strange and also off-putting to potential partners. You are not a 'fully functioning adult' in the way our culture would expect you to be at your age.

There's another thread about people living on benefits. If they can live on benefits, you can afford to live on your salary, perhaps not in as large or comfortable a house that your parents provide for you but a reasonable lifestyle nonetheless.

Why not take steps to improve your earning potential? It doesn't happen overnight but taking steps towards improving a part of your life can be very motivating.

Do things in baby steps. Set realistic goals and aspire to leave home by 40 (or whatever suits you).

As a Mum, I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if any of my children still lived with me at your age. I feel that your parents certainly love you and selfishly love having you at home but they have done you a disservice by not encouraging you to leave and create your own life.

RhiWrites · 01/12/2017 18:47

Oh, and not being able to look forward to things it imagine good times is definitely a depression symptom so even if medication hasn’t worked so far it isn’t currently working doesn’t mean it can’t it won’t.

When I felt this hopeless I took myself to the GP to discuss meds. Sorry if I’m oversharing but you are sharing a lot with us so I don’t want to act like I’ve got it all together. We’re all a work in progress.

Regularsizedrudy · 01/12/2017 18:50

I only think its pathetic if you don't pull your weight. People who still get mummy to do their washing etc at 40, ugh. Otherwise if it works for you all then fine

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:55

Yes, I have given up. And that only affects me so I don’t know why others are getting angry about it.

Silvery ten years enough for you?

OP posts:
EmilyChambers79 · 01/12/2017 18:59

My sister lived at home till she was 37.

By the time she was 40, she owned her house outright, was married and had twins on the way. They sold her hour, sold his, brought a new one outright and now both work a few hours a week and are stay at home parents.

She worked hard and saved harder to achieve this. Her DH did the same thing and also owned his home outright.

I wouldn't be upset if my child was still at home at 37. I probably would feel different if he wasn't working and was wasting his life and expecting us to subsidise him.

But then I come from a family were my parents homes were always our homes and will always be our homes. I've keys to both my parents houses, my sister's houses and my Grandads house and they all have my keys. Even though Dad has died, I regularly sleep over at his house with my Stepmom and Sister and DH also has keys.

carefreeeee · 01/12/2017 19:00

Do you like animals? How about getting a pet? That might be fun and provide you with a reason to go out.

To answer the original question, yes it sounds like moving out would be a good idea but there's nothing wrong with staying if you want to. Do your parents know you are so unhappy and hopeless?

Coastalcommand · 01/12/2017 19:01

I think you sound lovely op and it's understandable why your parents are glad to have you living with them. If it makes you happy then I'd say stick with it. If not, and you want more, then maybe have another try at finding something that will bring you more of a social life. Easier said than done I know, but you deserve the best. Could there be another hobby, course, group or activity you could try in the New Year?

cathyclown · 01/12/2017 19:20

You sound quite down OP, I hope you will be alright.

Have your parents ever made any comment on you living there or encouraged you to make your own way ever?

This is going to sound bad sorry, but your parents may be looking on you as their carer later in their lives, or if anything happens so they may want you there forever, it happens.

Think about where you see yourself at 40. What would you really, really like your life to be like.

It could be at home. But you seem to want to "fly free" as you said in your OP.

However, if you are happy where you are who gives a fig about what anyone else thinks. Are you happy at home with your parents. That is the key question. Do not be bullied by others judging your choices.

Dani240 · 01/12/2017 19:20

Op are you saying that you lived away from your parents for ten years? If I've got that right, how long ago was that? Your posts make it sound like you've never left your parents. What sparked the move back?

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 19:23

I messed up pretty drastically. Thanks for being nice. Feel a bit More positive.

OP posts:
candlefloozy · 01/12/2017 19:25

My friend is nearly 32 and still at home. She's not met anyone and it seems silly for her to move out and be on her own. So I don't blame you. I'd do the same

frenchfancy · 01/12/2017 19:29

On a worldwide scale I don't think it is unusual, only in the modern western world. Why would you live elsewhere when you can live with family? I think what is getting you down is thinking it isn't normal. Look at other societies, and other times. I think there is going to be much more multigenerational living in the future so it will become normal, you are just a trail blazer.

AllTheUsernamesAreTakenAgain · 01/12/2017 19:30

I passionately hated living on my own for the first year; but I'm glad I did it. It teaches you about yourself and it makes you grow up in a different way. I live with my partner now; but I lived alone when I met him, as did he, and I don't know how our relationship would have progressed to this stage if either of us hadn't - flat mates feels somewhat different.

Dani240 · 01/12/2017 19:31

That makes a lot of sense. And that must have had an effect on your self esteem. I don't want to dwell on the negatives but have you got sorted in your head exactly what made it all go so wrong? Would you be confident that if you were to move out you wouldn't get in that situation again?

ChocolateRaisin09 · 01/12/2017 19:35

Could be wrong but I think it could be more about the social life and being happy thing than the living at home thing. I imagine once you're socialising regularly you'll see the appeal in living "away" 😜

ChocolateRaisin09 · 01/12/2017 19:42

Another for what it's worth... Sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind, and I think this may have happened on this thread. People are worried about you, and frustrated for you. We're trying to help because we think you're worth it. Step one: someone to talk to/listen

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 19:42

That puts a different spin on things, orangecloves, the fact that you lived independently for 10 years. You now feel like you've blown it so there's no point in trying things that haven't worked in the past.

But there's always something else you can do. You have a job, so you are in a position to earn more money to build up savings whilst you're at home, and during the time it takes you to do this you can work out what you want to do with the rest of your life, or at least the next stage of it. Smile

Guiltybystander · 01/12/2017 19:59

So what is the point of your thread and what is your question?
Why do you ask people if they find a person your age living with her parents pathetic? Even if they do, you already stated several times that there is no point of you moving out and living alone or in a house share, you are not interested in that and you want to stay put. Socialising and dating hasn't been happening in your life lately so what can we do for you? It just seems a pretty pointless thread, no offence. It is already 12 sodding pages and you keep repeating the same things like a parrot. What do you want?

You remind me of an overweight person who comes here whining that she is fat but she won't go on a diet because she loves stuffing herself with food and can't be arsed with exercise.

Runninglateeveryday · 01/12/2017 20:19

I love DD but I really really hope she moves out by mid twenties!

Op you do sound very down your thought process is very defeatist and negative. Things won't change till you are willing to leave your comfort zone, it seems your stuck in a rut and you've given up. Your still young you have plenty of time but living with your parents refusal to even think anyone would ever date you, not going out and feeling your useless will only attract knob heads that will trash your self-esteem further. So you need to forget everyone else and work on you. What do you enjoy doing? Do you like your job?

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/12/2017 20:39

OP if dating feels unachievable at the moment (and I tend to share your view of online dating) would it be an idea to just take that right off the table for 2018, and focus on forms of socialising that feel safe rather than intimidating?

Could you ask your friends if they want to form a team for pub quiz nights? Having a scheduled activity can make socialising easier.

Maybe find a local walking group and ask a friend to go with you for the first week? The other walkers may be older but that doesn't matter, outdoor activity will make you feel better.

Have you considered the Women's Institute? Yes, seriously. My local one is East London has a waiting list and the average age is about 35.

Little things like that might get you feeling a bit more confident - I am always a fan of working my way up rather than diving in!

LilOnline · 01/12/2017 21:00

Ditto to Tawdry.

Small steps. I'd do local walking group, or cycling group. I'm an introvert so I'd feel a bit overwhelmed in pub quizzes but thats me. I think with the walking you choose how much you want to chat/socialise. And there's usually a pub of caff after.

You're living at home because of circumstance. Thats not pathetic.

It is pathetic if you sit and wallow in self-pity / self-defeat, and don't make a tiny effort.

An earlier commenter also suggested going to a Christmas market and smiling and chatting to store owners. Thats a good small step too

UrsulaPandress · 01/12/2017 21:46

What do you enjoy?

I'm a great believer inthe power of nature and the great outdoors but walking alone is no fun for me.

A walking club or borrow my doggy?

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2017 21:59

Op, but of a drip feed going on here. Can you stop doing that please and just answer properly in more than single sentences.

Ok, so you did leave home, you Left home for a decade, you travelled extensively, this is not failure to launch, you launched just fine, but you built up a lot of debt and had to move back to your parents because of it, is this right? And because of that debt you can’t afford to currently move out.

When you say you messed up drastically what do you mean exactly?