To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

[orangecloves]

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

[LifeofClimb]

I used to be pretty judgy about it, but I'm not anymore.

After I split with my ex I moved back in with my parents so I could save enough for a deposit for a house. This is where I am currently. I do have an end in sight, though.

So, to answer your original question, it's not pathetic, no.

I would only think it was pathetic if the person was not ill (physically or mentally) and didn't contribute as an adult (financially or just physically with cleaning/cooking) to the household. There should be a good reason someone, as an adult, doesn't contribute.

Reading further on in the thread, it does seem you're quite unhappy about your decision to stay though - can you set yourself achievable goals that might help you move out in the longer term?
I know you might have tried various things already, but could you look at what you eventually want, and take very small steps towards that rather than looking at it as big steps i.e. clear 25% of debt by X date, then 50% debt by X date etc.

[typo55]

OP

Are you sure you haven't posted before? The language you use is very similar to this thread where the OP is 37 as well

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3053953-AIBU-to-wonder-why-I-have-never-had-a-boyfriend?pg=1&messages=100

not trying to "out" you, or anything just curious and btw - your choices are yours and not pathetic

[Sienna333]

Not pathetic if you pull your weight and help out round the house. Moving out as a single person is hideously expensive these days. Anyone who judges that has their own issues.

[Summerisdone]

If it works for you all then I don’t see what’s wrong with it. Although for yourself I do think you should still be as independent as possible, such as paying your way in the home, cleaning up after yourself and helping with things like laundry and cooking meals, otherwise it’s less that you’re living with your parents and more that you’re living like a teenager still.

Tbh my DM and I always say how we’re going to get a little cottage together when my DS has grown up and moved on

[2rebecca]

But the OP's headline showed she wanted this judged. AIBU is full of threads judging lifestyle choices. Go and join fluffy mums or something. I think she should have given more info to get more informed and sympathetic replies though but that applies to many threads

[PinkSparklyPussyCat]

I didn’t leave home until I was 29. If you and your parents are happy with the arrangement then it’s nobody else’s business. I actually think it’s more pathetic to judge people’s lifestyle choices.

[SingingSeuss]

No issue with families living together, although at that age wouldn't it normally be parents moving in with you rather than the other way around?

[Ansumpasty]

I don't think it's pathetic, no.
It's pathetic that people think it's pathetic, actually, just because our society has brain washed us into thinking it's the done thing and nothing else is normal.

It's very desirable in other countries to stay living with parents (some live on another floor of the house, some do not) and the mental illness rates are lower.
If you think of the amount of (especially female) mammals that stay living with their mothers, it shows it's a pretty natural thing to do.
I think it goes against human nature to live completely alone. There are always the anomalies, of course, but how many of these have been brainwashed at a young age to outwardly demonstrate how 'independent' they are and how somehow this is a desirable and enviable trait.
It's completely different if people choose to live alone because of bad relationships with parents/health issues/poverty issues/etc.
I left home at 19 to move in with my boyfriend but if I hadn't married and had kids, I'd definitely be living with my mum.

[Casschops]

Not something for me I left at eighteen. But none of anybody's business but yours and your parents.

[LondonLassInTheCountry]

Who cares what anyone else thinks.

If you want to for any reason or no reason then do that.
Noones business!

[Caulk]

It sounds like you didn’t post to ask people’s opinions on living with family but to talk about the negative cycle you feel you’re in.

Do you want things to change? The thing that made a difference to me was open ended therapy and finding the right House. I had to try a few therapists and a friend places to live until I found something that worked.

Maybe look at your resilience?

[sweetsomethings]

Live your life the way you want too . Who cares what people say

[Iforgotmynameimdrunk]

yes it is .

[LilOnline]

If OP is in debt and her job doesn't pay a lot it makes financial sense to live with her parents, presuming there is enough room at home and she's paying towards food and bills.

However, I think OP should stop spending all her time at home, and give her parents their space. Don't stay home every night and every weekend, even if you're up in your room. They will feel sad and guilty that you don't have a life - spare them from having to see that.

[YetAnotherNC2017]

Moving back in with parents at that age... yeah, it is a bit.

I moved out at 18 and I’d rather be in a bloody hostel than mooching off my parents in my 30s. If I met a bloke living with his parents I’d run a fucking mile!

[Bluntness100]

But she’s not still there, she’s back there, after a decade away, which is very different.

[gillybeanz]

My ds2 is still at home and 23, ds1 left home at 19, and dd13 has both eyes on the door now. She'll be off at 18 and back to visit.

They are all different, but personally I'd feel I'd failed one if they were still here at 30. I want them to be independant and managing their own lives.
Oh and marriage is far from normal, many things but not normal

[Bluntness100]

Op, but of a drip feed going on here. Can you stop doing that please and just answer properly in more than single sentences.

Ok, so you did leave home, you Left home for a decade, you travelled extensively, this is not failure to launch, you launched just fine, but you built up a lot of debt and had to move back to your parents because of it, is this right? And because of that debt you can’t afford to currently move out.

When you say you messed up drastically what do you mean exactly?

[UrsulaPandress]

What do you enjoy?

I'm a great believer inthe power of nature and the great outdoors but walking alone is no fun for me.

A walking club or borrow my doggy?

[LilOnline]

Ditto to Tawdry.

Small steps. I'd do local walking group, or cycling group. I'm an introvert so I'd feel a bit overwhelmed in pub quizzes but thats me. I think with the walking you choose how much you want to chat/socialise. And there's usually a pub of caff after.

You're living at home because of circumstance. Thats not pathetic.

It is pathetic if you sit and wallow in self-pity / self-defeat, and don't make a tiny effort.

An earlier commenter also suggested going to a Christmas market and smiling and chatting to store owners. Thats a good small step too

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

OP if dating feels unachievable at the moment (and I tend to share your view of online dating) would it be an idea to just take that right off the table for 2018, and focus on forms of socialising that feel safe rather than intimidating?

Could you ask your friends if they want to form a team for pub quiz nights? Having a scheduled activity can make socialising easier.

Maybe find a local walking group and ask a friend to go with you for the first week? The other walkers may be older but that doesn't matter, outdoor activity will make you feel better.

Have you considered the Women's Institute? Yes, seriously. My local one is East London has a waiting list and the average age is about 35.

Little things like that might get you feeling a bit more confident - I am always a fan of working my way up rather than diving in!

[Runninglateeveryday]

I love DD but I really really hope she moves out by mid twenties!

Op you do sound very down your thought process is very defeatist and negative. Things won't change till you are willing to leave your comfort zone, it seems your stuck in a rut and you've given up. Your still young you have plenty of time but living with your parents refusal to even think anyone would ever date you, not going out and feeling your useless will only attract knob heads that will trash your self-esteem further. So you need to forget everyone else and work on you. What do you enjoy doing? Do you like your job?

[Guiltybystander]

So what is the point of your thread and what is your question?
Why do you ask people if they find a person your age living with her parents pathetic? Even if they do, you already stated several times that there is no point of you moving out and living alone or in a house share, you are not interested in that and you want to stay put. Socialising and dating hasn't been happening in your life lately so what can we do for you? It just seems a pretty pointless thread, no offence. It is already 12 sodding pages and you keep repeating the same things like a parrot. What do you want?

You remind me of an overweight person who comes here whining that she is fat but she won't go on a diet because she loves stuffing herself with food and can't be arsed with exercise.

[Lizzie48]

That puts a different spin on things, orangecloves, the fact that you lived independently for 10 years. You now feel like you've blown it so there's no point in trying things that haven't worked in the past.

But there's always something else you can do. You have a job, so you are in a position to earn more money to build up savings whilst you're at home, and during the time it takes you to do this you can work out what you want to do with the rest of your life, or at least the next stage of it.

[ChocolateRaisin09]

Another for what it's worth... Sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind, and I think this may have happened on this thread. People are worried about you, and frustrated for you. We're trying to help because we think you're worth it. Step one: someone to talk to/listen