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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

317 replies

orangecloves · 01/12/2017 14:37

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

OP posts:
IslingtonLou · 01/12/2017 16:23

I moved out at 18 (to London as well) and I love my life now. Yes I have been a broke student at times but I could never go back to living with my parents, I’m an adult and need my space and freedom. And my parents are nosy, controlling and irritating to live with. So there’s no way I’d be at my parents at 37 but everyone’s circumstances are different

RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 16:24

It's fine if you don't like online, many people don't. But in that case you have to get out there socially to meet people.

If you don't know what to do on dates then you haven't done enough dating and need to practice. (You just chat basically).

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:24

I suppose but plenty of people don’t like living alone.

OP posts:
brasty · 01/12/2017 16:24

And traditionally most people lived in extended families, and still do in some countries, because there is no welfare state, so without close family, many people literally can not survive.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 16:25

I couldn't imagine anything worse than living with my DM as an adult, for either of us actually. She lives in the same city as me, but we only see each other occasionally. But then, I've been married for 14 years and have my own family so that plays a part in what I think obviously.

Tiny is right, that not everyone lived with their parents until they married in previous times. My MIL did, she trained as a teacher whilst living at home then got married. My DM, who was orphaned at 10, lived with an aunt and uncle, and left as soon as she possibly could. She lived independently in flat shares before getting married. So everyone is different.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/12/2017 16:27

Oh OP, this isn't about living with your parents is it? It's you don't like the way your life is now, you are plodding, but not happy. You sound depressed and just getting by. In that case, living with your parents so they can keep an eye on you and give you company is probably for the best short term, but you might want to look at getting some help.

brasty · 01/12/2017 16:27

You need to take risks OP, go outside of your comfort zone, and get out there and meet people. It is hard, I know I had to do it when I loved to a City where I knew no one. And a lot of the getting out there, I did not enjoy. But it allowed me to make friends eventually, and my DP.

LisaMed1 · 01/12/2017 16:30

Lizzie48 I used getting away to uni as a way of escaping my mother, and it was accepted that the minimum safe distance between us was 100 miles. If I hadn't managed to get away to uni I don't know what I would have done.

It's funny how experiences differ. My father was a regular in the army, back in the fifties, so was in his late twenties when he came out of the army and it was very much expected of him that he would of course move back into the family house as a single man. Mind you, I expect that they had a keen eye on whatever pay packet he could bring home. Yet at the same time people were moving out all over because they could.

Bythebeach · 01/12/2017 16:31

OP - you sound curiously stilted and dissatisfied yet so passive. You want a partner and a family of your own but don't date or socialise......why not? Some questions which you are free not to answer: how long did you live away from home for? How long ago? Did you go to uni? And what job do you do that pays so poorly you can't leave your parents' home after 19 years as an adult.... can you change it? Do a course and increase your salary prospects?
I don't think you are pathetic but it doesn't sound like this is what you want from life so it would be sad not to try and live the life you want!!

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:32

I don’t think I’m depressed.

My life isn’t how I would choose it to be. I’ve tried so many times now to go outside of my comfort zone and it ends disastrously!

OP posts:
InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/12/2017 16:32

Look at your language OP - you think you might be pathetic, no man would want you, you can't cope with chatting on a date, you have given up on having a social life.... It is highly unlikely this is all true, it is much more likely you are depressed and have been for a while.

It is so hard to find the motivation to fix problems when depressed, holding down a job, keeping yourself clean and fed is about as much as most people can deal with in that state.

Please go and talk to your GP. A thread of people on here going "yep, you're right, super pathetic, sort yourself out" will not help you.

I promise you are worth love.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2017 16:32

If it works for all concerned it’s not a problem.you don’t need to conform to a majority
So long as you pay digs and you all get on it’s fine.really
Flat shares are a pita. The politics of it. Always at least 1 unreasonable git

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:33

I want to date and socialise

I can’t. No one wants to date me. My friends are married with young children and not interested in nights out, or holidays.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 01/12/2017 16:33

OP how much do you do apart from your parents? I think there is a difference between living at home due to affordability and living at home because of worrying about lack of comfort and fear of the unknown.

Looking back at your parents' generation, how many are still living with parents or children and how are their family dynamics? It may shed light on your own.

steff13 · 01/12/2017 16:34

I can’t see any decent man being interested!

As a 40-year-old woman with a good job, who owns my own home, I wouldn't be interested in a man who lived at home with his parents. I would imagine a man in my position would feel the same. I don't think most people would choose a relationship with someone who they think might be dependent on them; they want someone who's their equal.

Kitsharrington · 01/12/2017 16:36

OP you sound like you need to shake things up big time. I reckon that starts by moving out and growing in new ways that will give you the confidence to go out and create the life you want to have.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 01/12/2017 16:36

If your friends all have young children and don't want to socialise, then you need new friends. Doesn't mean dump the old ones, but build a new group.

Join things, volunteer. Try to meet new people. Some may well introduce you to single male friends.

But none of that is 'doable' if you are struggling.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 16:36

Of course you wouldn’t and I don’t expect a man to be interested in me. But people asked why I didn’t date and I answered

OP posts:
steff13 · 01/12/2017 16:42

Have you thought about taking a class, or a second job, something where you could meet some new people? What sort of work do you do?

JennyOnAPlate · 01/12/2017 16:45

I don’t think it’s pathetic but it’s probably time to take steps towards moving out. I love my dc and love being with them, but I know I won’t want to be living with them when they’re 37.

loobyloo1234 · 01/12/2017 16:46

I have debt robin so need to sort that.

How do you have debt when you live at home? Surely you have no bills to pay and so on. Sorry OP, you really need to stand on your own two feet. You are unlikely to meet someone that finds that 'normal' - in my opinion at least

Fly the nest

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 16:46

I think you've posted before and shot down every single suggestion people gave you? You claim you want to date and to socialise but you don;t make any effort to do so, so you don't actually want to.

RidingWindhorses · 01/12/2017 16:48

I don't get the impression that OP is likely to change her life in any way.

She will live with her parents til they die and then she will live alone.

It's sad, but there's nothing anyone on here can do or say that will make the slightest difference.

tinysparklyshoes · 01/12/2017 16:48

You seem really upset that I have this experience

I'm not even vaguely upset (jesus, how arrogant are you that you think your daft comments could actually upset people?). You were just wrong and I said so. Get over yourself.

steff13 · 01/12/2017 16:53

I love my dc and love being with them, but I know I won’t want to be living with them when they’re 37.

Also, this. I adore my children, and thinking of them moving out makes me weepy, but, I also want at some point to have my independent life back. And, I'd feel like I'd be doing them a disservice if I allowed them to live with me indefinitely.

Regarding people living at home until they got married, I know that was common here in my grandmother's generation, but it was also common for people to marry at 18, 19, 20 years old. They weren't typically living at home until middle age.