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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

317 replies

orangecloves · 01/12/2017 14:37

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 01/12/2017 18:10

Yes, it will be more uncomfortable to have a flat share.

But uncomfortable, for a sustained period of time, making mistakes, having to tightrope walk without a safety net for a bit, is what gives people an adult personality. You sound like you're in a state of arrested development where you never evolved past adolescence because you never had the crises of adolescence.

You will never know who you are, and how you respond to conflict and adversity and those are the things that will make someone fall in love with you, or become your friend in adult life until you get out from the comfort zone you've wrapped around your entire existence.

Hercules12 · 01/12/2017 18:11

Cross posts with others. How long did you try antidepressants? There are some fab threads in mental health about people's journeys taking meds.

WombOfOnesOwn · 01/12/2017 18:11

PS -- of course many of the things you have tried have gone disastrously at first. But instead of persevering, it sounds like you just go back to wrapping yourself in cotton wool and telling yourself that it's better to be comfortable than to live any kind of life of your own.

NightRaven52 · 01/12/2017 18:11

I don't think it's pathetic at all, especially when you factor in how ridiculously expensive rent is nowadays.

Me and OH had to move back in with my DM (I'm 23 and OH is 29) earlier this year when we were made homeless when I was 39 weeks pregnant! We're still living there (DS is almost 5 months), we don't pay rent however OH pays for a majority of the bills/food shopping and I essentially act as a live in housekeeper and do pretty much all the housework, laundry and cooking. DM is completely fine with this set up and I do think she'll miss us once we're able to afford our own place.

I think as long as everyone in the household is pulling their weight and contributing somehow and everyone is happy with the situation, there's no issue. Ignore the jokey/judgey comments Wink

starsorwater · 01/12/2017 18:13

Don't you think your parents might want a bit of life to themselves?

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:14

I have persevered, I promise Smile

Sorry for being an arse.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 01/12/2017 18:15

Tell us about the antidepressants. Honestly I bet there's a way we can help.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:17

I’ve tried citolopram, mertazipine (sp?) and another I don’t know the name of

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 01/12/2017 18:18

What do you mean by 'it's too late' and 'the end'? That sounds worrying. What would you like to happen now? Why do you think it won't? Why do you think you are useless?
You've made a great start by posting here. Tell yourself that. If it was too late you wouldn't have.
Do you have any interests, any at all no matter how weird? I went through a stage of really liking My Little Pony as an adult and joined a forum 😳 no fucks given - these days you can be whoever you want to be.
Would you consider having a child alone if that is what you are really getting at? I might be barking up the wrong tree.

Hercules12 · 01/12/2017 18:18

Was your gp helpful with dosages?

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:25

No. I wouldn’t go down the sperm donor route, it’s for women who have it together.

I just mean I’ve tried everything, it does not work, and I need to accept things.

OP posts:
ChocolateRaisin09 · 01/12/2017 18:26

37 is definitely not too late to start again. Have you tried CBT? It took a few counsellors for me to sort out various problems, but it feels good to take control.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 01/12/2017 18:27

I personally don't think there is anything remotely pathetic about adult children living at home where it suits all parties to do so. It is more common in other countries, where living alone is seen as strange, so people only move out to cohabit/marry.

In your case anxiety/depression are a complicating issue which you can hopefully address successfully, but don't let living at home be another issue to feel bad about. Anyone who makes an issue if it is an idiot.

ChocolateRaisin09 · 01/12/2017 18:28

Are your parents helping you? I wonder if they have affected your self esteem 😟

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:29

Not really. They are very helpful in that they let me live here and so on.

OP posts:
PleaseDontGoadTheToad · 01/12/2017 18:30

How do your parents feel about you living with them? Would they/do they support you if/when you want to move out?

Pearlsaringer · 01/12/2017 18:31

There’s nothing wrong with living with your parents at your age but it might be nice for you to widen your social life. Is there a CitySocializer group in your area? It’s not a dating organisation but a way of meeting people socially. However I know of at least one person who met their OH through it, and others who have made a whole new circle of friends.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:32

I’ll have a look ... Thanks.

My parents want me to be married and normal.

OP posts:
ChocolateRaisin09 · 01/12/2017 18:33

For what it's worth, I know you'd prefer a family, but lots of people don't have partners/kids and have fulfilled lives they enjoy. You can still be happy I promise.

Reallycantbebothered · 01/12/2017 18:34

My niece lived at home until she was in her mid 30's...she did go to uni, but after a disastrous relationship finished she moved back home aged 22
Despite having a degree in languages and law she ended up working as a receptionist at her dm work, so not only working with but also living with parents!
However, somehow ( I'm not sure of exact details, think it may have been online dating) she met a her now dh in her late 30's - although she had moved into her own flat by then
Sometimes you have to go outside your comfort zone to find what you want....what do your parents think of the situation....do they not think it a bit strange that you're still living at home and in the nicest way possible, do you not think they might want a bit of time together now without you

Letmesleepalready · 01/12/2017 18:40

Apart from meeting a man and having a family, what would you like to do? I think until you figure that out, it’s going to be hard to see an alternative to your current lifestyle.
We found evening courses in life drawing, and ceramics, and there was the pantomime /theatre group. None of them were to find a man, but the groups were small enough to make friends. And maybe you’ll not find a man, but it’s a pity to not be doing anything in the meantime.
I don’t think living at your parents is the main issue, but giving up on activities because you’re single seems a pity really.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 18:41

I think asking on AIBU is never going to help your self esteem because you will get posters answering the question you asked, 'am I pathetic'' with 'yes you are pathetic', as people are blunt on here.

It will be hard to feel better about yourself whilst you're in debt as well. You could look at finding another job, which pays better, or maybe having two jobs. If you can clear your debts you can then start saving money which will give you options.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:43

Lizzie that’s okay, I know I am so it makes no difference.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 01/12/2017 18:44

OP, do you want to be “normal”? You’ve said something about that a couple of times. There’s all sorts of normal.

Is there something you want that you think isn’t normal? what does normal mean to you? Is it safety and familiarity? Is it an appearance or a reality?

When you say you want to be married are you interested in sex, romance, companionship, someone to do things with? What atttracts you about the idea?

I used to want marriage and kids because I thought that’s just what you did. But my ideas have changed a bit about both of those things.

SilverySurfer · 01/12/2017 18:44

OP, I didn't intend my posts to be goady or aggressive, I thought we could better understand your point of view if you said for how long you had tried living alone. For some reason you're reluctant to share that info which is, of course, entirely your choice.

I must confess that it leads me to assume you have not given it a serious try. Not that you care what I or others think, obviously.