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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it’s pathetic to live with parents aged 37?

317 replies

orangecloves · 01/12/2017 14:37

I just don’t like living on my own but I’ve had a few ‘jokey’ comments at work about it and I’m wondering if 2018 should be the year I fly free ...

OP posts:
Spangles1963 · 01/12/2017 17:54

I left my parents' home when I was 18 because I felt I was being suffocated. It was just constant arguments and I really couldn't take any more. I think if I hadn't taken the plunge then I would have still been there in my 40s! Ironically,once I'd moved out,I got on fine with my parents.

RhiWrites · 01/12/2017 17:55

Please don’t call yourself worthless. AIBU can be challenging but there are lots of people trying to understand so they can help.

You do sound so sad, Xmas is a difficult time of year for lots of ppl. It reminds us of what we wish we had.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 17:55

I don’t really know why I posted. I probably don’t want advice because most of the advice just isn’t relevant.

I did go travelling. I don’t think you need to be of a particularly anxious nature to find it a bit scary being completely alone.

OP posts:
PrincessSparkleWings · 01/12/2017 17:55

You're not giving a lot away. People are trying to help and you are only replying with one line answers / very little info.

To answer your original post; yes I would find it pathetic. My husband was only 30 when we met and lived at home with his parents and I found that pathetic too.

You sound like you have issues to me OP. You sound very lacking in self esteem and social abilities; sorry to sound harsh but that is what I am getting from the comments such as few friends, your flat share experience and experience with hobbies and volunteering. I think your using not liking living alone and therefore staying with your parents as an emotional crutch so that you don't have to face the possibilities of failure or rejection; again I get this impression from your remarks about dating and how nobody would have you.

Is there something you haven't mentioned adding to this story?

Why not start small; join some forums for things your interested in (be that gaming, knitting, religion, singing) ... Branch out online and expand your confidence that way and then get out there into the world.

You said yourself you won't speak to anyone but your parents now until Monday; don't let it be that way.

JonSnowsHair · 01/12/2017 17:56

Clearly you have absolutely no interest or inclination in changing your life, so I’m not sure why you bothered posting in the first place.

steff13 · 01/12/2017 17:56

What is your job? Do you enjoy it?

Fairylea · 01/12/2017 17:56

You don’t like yourself very much do you, op?

I think that’s at the root of it all.

RhiWrites · 01/12/2017 17:57

@NameChanger

I agree, but dreams while often unobtainable do give an idea of other more achievable goals.

I don’t live somewhere sunny but I try to take advantage of the sun we get IYSWIM.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 17:57

I’ve done all that.

I’ve tried loads. Really, I have.

You’re not being harsh but it makes very little difference because I know I’m a pointless piece of crap anyway.

And I know it can be frustrating when you perceive someone won’t help themselves but I’m not at the beginning of my journey, I’m at the end.

OP posts:
LisaMed1 · 01/12/2017 17:57

Sending hugs, you sound really lost.

I don't think it's about living at home. Like RhiWrites says, it's like a peg to hang all your frustration and disatisfaction on.

Have you considered getting a life coach or even some private counselling. They may be able to help unpick it all and help you see what you want and what you can do to get there.

Dani240 · 01/12/2017 17:57

OP, why not have a little brainstorm this weekend about how your ideal life would look? And then think of some things that would bring that ideal life closer. For example if it could be "I want to live in my own house with my partner and our children." The steps might be 1. Strict budget, paying down debts, start to save; 2. Build up social life by joining clubs or even online groups to expand your social circle; 3. Ask out someone you fancy, join a dating site, ask your friends to introduce you to single friends.

If you always do what you've always done you'll always get what you've always got.

noradurst · 01/12/2017 17:58

OP, what do you enjoy doing? It's fine to try things like travelling that everyone jabbers on about and not enjoy it. Not what are your hobbies, what do you enjoy? No matter how big or small. There has to be something you can do.

I also think you seem terribly depressed.

loobyloo1234 · 01/12/2017 17:59

OP you aren't pointless. There have been 240 odd replies to your post. Please speak to your GP if you honestly think this. You aren't thinking straight

I think finding a hobyy/group/gym etc will be a massive help though. It gets you out and about and sometimes we all need that distraction

You have to help yourself though OP. We can't do that part for you

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:01

It’s lovely of you all to reply.

But I have tried it. Trust me. Counselling, hobbies, volunteering, the lot.

It’s too late.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 01/12/2017 18:03

OP says she has tried but it hasn’t happened for her.

Op, it was brave of you to move out and try travel and try dating. I’m sorry none of those things brought you the joy you hoped for.

But you are not worthless, I’m sure you are loved by your parents and appreciated by your colleagues.

Would it help to think about the good things about you? Or nice things you have done for other people?

I think lot of people reach their 40s without really knowing what they want or who they are. It’s okay to feel low about the opportunities that have passed you by but people much older than you do find a new interest or meet a lover or get a passion. You can too.

The best time to plant a tree was 50 years ago. The next best time is now.

formerbabe · 01/12/2017 18:03

If I was you op, I'd move into a house share. Because you are in no great rush to find accommodation, you could really take your time to find one you like with people you gel with. That might help open up your social circle.

zoomer445 · 01/12/2017 18:04

Have you even been prescribed medication for anxiety / depression?

runwalkrun · 01/12/2017 18:04

If my kids still lived at home at 37, barring homelessness, disability or illness, I'd wonder where I'd gone wrong

Me too.
When they have the confidence to Fly The Nest, you know it's a job well done.
Also, it's not fair on the parents to have children living with them indefinitely.
What about their hopes and dreams of a good child free retirement.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:06

I have zoomer but I hated it.

I do believe I am a nice person and give a lot in terms of voluntary work and my day job.

But I want something for me.

OP posts:
Dani240 · 01/12/2017 18:07

orangecloves it is definitely not too late! Do you want to live the life you have now for another 40 years, or do you want to make a change?

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2017 18:07

OP, you're 37, it's definitely not too late. There's plenty of time to start a new life. But things don't just fall into your lap, you need to make the changes happen.

The first thing, I believe, is to get some help. Your GP is your first port of call. If you're suffering with depression or anxiety, then treating that will help you to see things more clearly.

zoomer445 · 01/12/2017 18:07

Non of the ones I've tried helped either. Could you ask to try a different one? I don't think you can even begin to think about moving out until you feel better about yourself.

UrsulaPandress · 01/12/2017 18:09

Your life is what it is. If you enjoy living with your parents for company and security then that is fine.

Original poster
orangecloves · 01/12/2017 18:09

Oh dani no, I don’t ... but like I say, I’m at the end of this journey, not the start.

Lizzie as above.

I’m going to a carol concert anyway. That’ll be nice.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 01/12/2017 18:09

Oh op I feel for you. I have a dear friend in a similar situation and no matter how much people try to give her advice she doesn't try things they suggest. It's got to come from you and be a very small step to begin with.
How about having a chat with your go? What you want you want
Is achievable but you're not in the right place mentally to make a start on changing.