To be a annoyed that hubby will give banter but not take!

[melclaire1111]

So hubby is really good at giving banter. He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

When we argue he is also particularly nasty, and will call me some horrible names and accuse me of being a horrible person, and a bad mother etc.

So today is the first Saturday since DC was born 17 months ago that I'm out for a few hours on a Saturday and leaving DC with daddy. (I work full time mon-fri so saturdays are normally mine and dc's day as daddy goes to football every week so i'm not really looking forward to this afternoon)

Hubby knows some of the girls going today and speaks to them more than me. This morning he said be careful what i say to one of them as they're not talking to him, so I jokingly said oh i'll moan about u all afternoon as they Don't like u anyway! I realosed it sounded harsh as soon as i said it and apologised but hes now in a massive strop, called me a horrible and vindictive person and hasn't spoken to me for hours! I've apologised several time, it honestly wasn't meant to be that harsh but he doesn't want to know!

So am I being unreasonable or should he learn to accept banter as well?

And he's jealous because he doesn't get enough attention ??? He needs a taste of reality. I've been there, it doesn't change, get out while you can.

it's not 'banter' it's cuntishness

It feels like He's upset He's not centre of attention anymore.

That's probably true.

But how old are your children now? If he hasn't adjusted to not being the centre of the universe by now, what are the chances he will at some point in the future?

Oh stop making excuses for him and minimising his behaviour!

This isn’t ‘banter’, this is him insulting you and then punishing you back. Open your eyes OP.

What happens when he starts on your DC? Do you really think he won’t? He’ll start insulting them as they grow up. And your dc will learn this is normal and copy his behaviour. Do you want your dc to grow up like him?

He goes away for a few nights later in the week
It'll give you some time away from each other so you can process his behaviour and what posters have been saying though. It must be hard to hear that what you always thought was acceptable is actually far from it.

I think you should report your OP and ask MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships as you'll get a lot of advice on there.

OP it is very common for abusive tendencies to come to the fore during pregnancy or after the birth of a child. It's as you say...these self-absorbed people can't cope with playing second fiddle to a baby and their needs as they fundamentally believe themselves to be the top priority and more important than anyone else. They are furious that they are not being given the attention they are used to having and believe they are entitled to. Decent people see parenting as a shared experience and responsibility, abusers see it as competition and they don't give a shit if their actions cause damage to their families because their goal is simply to serve themselves.

Abusive men are also aware that their partners are far less likely to leave them for poor behaviour once a child is in the picture so they feel more at liberty to dish out the shit unchecked, while being thoroughly defensive of their own feelings. They aren't like this because they misunderstand or are misunderstood, it's just that they're cunts. Some people just are.

People like this are extremely self-serving and there is nothing you can do to change their thinking. It's intrinsic, deep rooted and incurable. There is no set of words that can change it and no counselling that can cure it because the sense of shame and guilt to motivate the changes necessary are simply not present because they genuinely don't care about anyone else.

Your dh is a nasty piece of work. He speaks to you like a smear of shit in front of your kids. The first thing you need to do...and if you take nothing else from this thread, is to stop calling his abuse 'banter'. He's not a cheeky chappy...he's a nasty piece of work who is verbally and emotionally abusive to his family. When and only when you admit that to yourself will you be able to face sorting this out. Good luck. xx

It's not 'banter'. It's who he really is. He sounds utterly appalling.

Op you have three threads now in which you ask if dp is a twat and the unanimous answer is yes.
I second the pp who said get the locks changed while he’s gone, from all of your threads it’s clear “d”p is a selfish, abusive, controlling twat and you would be better without him.

OP, please don’t get upset or feel attacked by some of the harsher responses here. I promise you people really do mean well, and after seeing lots of lots of similar tales to yours on here (and often having lived through it ourselves) it can be frustrating to see someone suffering as you clearly are, and not taking some of the advice given. But most of us also understand that in the real world most people don’t go from posting on mumsnet one day to ‘leaving the bastard’ the next. It took me seven years to leave mine!

So what can you do now, today? You can start by giving yourself some respect and not constantly allowing everything to be on his terms.

When he calls you names, you can say ‘please don’t call me that, I don’t like it’. When he says ‘oh you’re so sensitive, I’m just joking’ you just repeat ‘maybe I am, but I don’t like it and I would like you not to call me that again please’. Don’t get into an argument about who’s wrong or right. Just keep stating that you would like him not to do that and it would be nice if he could respect your wishes.

Don’t get drawn into tit-for-tat. Don’t start insulting him back or getting into games of ‘you can dish it out but you can’t take it’. As you’ve seen, it never ends well. And you will (in his eyes) both be giving him permission to carry on with his insults, and also losing your moral high ground the next time you get upset at one of his ‘jokes’.

Resist the urge to ‘fix’ things when he gets angry and into a sulk. Apologise ONCE if you really feel you’ve done something you need to apologise for, then leave it. Don’t repeatedly try to initiate cuddles or start new conversations to bury the hatchet. Just say your piece one and then, if he’s still sulking and telling you to fuck off, then you leave the room. You just say ‘ok, that’s fine. I’m going to go do some laundry. You know where I am if you want to talk to me’.

I speak from years of bitter, bitter experience. All of the above is easier said than done, I know. I spent years pandering to my ex, who would sulk for DAYS over ever perceived slight or insult from me, and yet thought it was perfectly fine for him to call me a cunt and a fat fucking bitch ‘as a joke’ literally every single day.

Start respecting yourself and tell yourself that you actually don’t have to accept that behaviour. And then maybe, in a little while, you’ll be ready to think a bit more about whether the relationship is actually the one you want to be in.

OP, as others have said, it's not banter, it's bullying. He's an arsehole who makes his own mother cry! Have a chat with your dad about how unhappy you are, he's clearly got the measure of your husband.

OMG that is not banter!! That is def verbal abuse to me. Me & dh have banter regarding some of our physical attributes ie him being hairy & me having small feet and we joke that we’re both fat (middle aged spread type of fat), but if he said I was fat & ugly in a mean way I’d go mad and would have to think about whether I could remain married. The fact he can’t take it back and is also verbally abusive to his mum speaks volumes. Nothing wrong with gentle teasing within a family but it has to be within the realms of humour and no-one taking offence.

Just realised you've started other threads about him and he sounds awful on those too

I often read threads like this and gat a bit when everyone piles in to say leave him, you've got bigger problems than the one minor thing you first posted about but this time...sorry, he sounds awful and you're making excuses for him. My DH and I 'banter', what you're describing isn't right.

Even if you had done something wrong (which you didn't) you have apologised, so what possible excuse does he have for acting the spoilt brat?

Btw, he doesn't have more time off because he works shifts, he has more time off because you do all the child-work and all the housework. He just gets his time off at different times of day from you.

@melclaire1111

I'm no expert, but he sounds like a bully.

A man I'm acquainted with kept saying odd things, so eventually I got fed up and started parodying his yokel accent and sending up things he'd said.

His defence was to look all hurt and plead: "Mate, it was only a bit of banter!"

So it's banter when he says crap to me, and massively offensive when I send him up.

Is there some kind of governing body for Banter?

I'm sure the Banter Adjudication Board would have found in my favour.

I don't know your full circumstances, but I think I would find in your favour.

Good luck. I know how you feel, if that's any consolation.

You don’t want your children seeing you spoken to like this do you?

As said numerous times above, he’s a verbally abusive arse. You owe it to your children to show them no one should tolerate being treated like this and to tell him you won’t accept this behaviour anymore.

Another one to say he sounds ghastly. I feel so sad you have to live with someone like him, slowly wearing you down and blurring all your boundaries and self esteem to the point you even thought his abuse was 'banter'. You need to have a long think about your future OP, it's no way to live.
You deserve to be loved and looked after

Just read one of your other threads.
Please, please think seriously about leaving this awful man.

Jesus, he sounds awful. Are you happy to provide this example of a relationship to your children?

The only example of banter in your post is the one he is sulking about - as well as nicer, kinder, better than him, you're also funnier!

I can't imagine being so nasty to my mum as to make her cry - can you? It's not a normal way to behave and even someone trying to be funny and failing would be really upset by it. That shows he isn't even trying to "banter" he is trying to hurt people. Take care OP, take the rose tinted googles off and take care.

Ah yes, I read your other threads. Your husband,
Sexted another woman.

Wants sex every night, because "that's what other couples do".

Rang you to scream abuse down the phone, because you'd left the dishes to air dry instead of drying them up, and there were watermarks on the glasses.

Doesn't do any housework.

And had the audacity so say that YOU were damaging your child.

He's a nasty, abusive man, and nothing you do or don't do will change him. This is who he is.

Change will only come when you see him for who he is and leave him.

Please wake up and smell the abuse OP

Hope you are okay.
It must be tough to read but you know it yourself.
You don't need another twenty people to tell you the same thing.

I would much rather be on my own then have to tiptoe around someone like him. He deserves to be on his own.
I get the feeling that if you did split no one would be the least bit surprised and your dad would wonder why it's taken you so long.

When he's away this week start setting the wheels in motion.
Move this thread into relationships and ask what you should do first in terms of finance and the house.

If you don't go soon you are going to be exactly the same as his mum. You'll be a victim.

At the moment, his sharp tongue is directed at his family and you. How much emotional damage would he cause when he directs it at your children? Because he will. Question is whether it would be daily abuse if you’re still with him, or occasional due to how much access he gets if you leave