To be a annoyed that hubby will give banter but not take!

[melclaire1111]

So hubby is really good at giving banter. He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

When we argue he is also particularly nasty, and will call me some horrible names and accuse me of being a horrible person, and a bad mother etc.

So today is the first Saturday since DC was born 17 months ago that I'm out for a few hours on a Saturday and leaving DC with daddy. (I work full time mon-fri so saturdays are normally mine and dc's day as daddy goes to football every week so i'm not really looking forward to this afternoon)

Hubby knows some of the girls going today and speaks to them more than me. This morning he said be careful what i say to one of them as they're not talking to him, so I jokingly said oh i'll moan about u all afternoon as they Don't like u anyway! I realosed it sounded harsh as soon as i said it and apologised but hes now in a massive strop, called me a horrible and vindictive person and hasn't spoken to me for hours! I've apologised several time, it honestly wasn't meant to be that harsh but he doesn't want to know!

So am I being unreasonable or should he learn to accept banter as well?

It's not banter it is abuse. I would get out of the relationship. Before long you will have either a DC repeating these insults to you & others or a child with horrifically low self-esteem when he starts on them.

Does the falling out with the mutual friend have to do with his banter talking bollocks?

He sounds vile

First rule of banter in my house and even my 12 yo dd knows that. He’s being a massive sensitive arse.

This is not a nice relationship. It isn’t banter! He’s just horrible to you!

If he can't catch, he shouldn't throw. Sounds like a weak bully.

I hate the word banter. Like a PP I think it's used by arseholes to try and claim their rude and abusive behaviour is just a joke.

Couples can joke about. DH is almost a year younger than me. After he has his birthday I generally joke about him being old. We are the same age for a few days. I then have a birthday and he jokes about me being ancient as I'm older than him.
We both do it.
Neither of us is upset by it.
We find it funny (I know. I know. Not very. Maybe you have to be there!)
Nothing like what you describe. That's verbal abuse. Calling you a "retard"? He's an abusive bully and an arsehole to boot.

I think you should come over to the relationships boards.

Fuck that. Life's too short

This. Do you ever have a laugh? Have fun?

I hate the word banter. In truth it's just fucking rudeness.

Tbh I agree with everyone else, it’s abuse, not banter. His insisting that it’s your fault for taking offence and it was only a joke is designed to ensure you continue to accept it.
Don’t.
Issue an ultimatum and if it comes to it, LTB.
I have a relative who treats me like this, my children actively dislike him.

I think you should come over to the relationships boards.

Agreed. Although it is not often that all the posters on aibu are unanimous (Museum excepting).

Your husband is verbally abusing you, and then gaslighting you when he calls it "banter".

Men like this do not improve, because they enjoy the rewards of terrorising their wife and children.

This is a book that states the truth about abusers, written by a person who has professional contact with them and doesn't get the wool pulled over his eyes. You may be able to borrow it from the library: www.goodreads.com/book/show/56465.The_Gift_of_Fear

Your family don't like him. Your friends don't like him. One of them isn't even speaking to him. He makes his own mum cry.

In what way is his behaviour even vaguely 'banter' (banter is meant to be a back & forth comedy act, like the 2 Ronnies, btw) when everyone finds him abusive & upsetting?

Won’t be long before your dc starts using the same language. Are you ok with that?

Really sorry but he’s abusing you.

He's a dick to his mother.

He's a dick to his wife.

What are the chances he's going to be any different to his kids?

Fucks sake. Banter?? Nope. He's a bullying fucking arsehole.

If your own Father had to ask him to curb his tongue, that says it all.
My first ever LTB.
Stop making excuses for this saddo. Calling you a retard is disgusting, you are lining yourself up for a fall here, do something, please !

My partner and I have “banter” but I can’t imagine ever using words like ugly or loser or retard ever about him let alone banter!

Your partner is horrible. Which you probably must know. But in my experience when abusive men behave the way he does- starting an argument like this when you’re going out is to spoil your time away so you don’t go out again and enjoy yourself.

I agree, this isn’t banter. Banter is a friendly exchange of teasing comments. This is just nasty abusive shit.

I don’t know why you ar apologising to him. And everytime he gives an insult infuture immediately call him out on it harshly and loudly till he repeatedly apologises.

I don’t know how you can be with someone like that.

Firstly, what would his reaction be if you reacted to his 'banter' in the same way he does? (Eg storm off and refuse to talk to him?)

Secondly, it's not banter. My DP takes the mick about me not being very stable and falling over a lot, I do the same back to him about his lack of emotions. However it's never nasty and we're both laughing at it. What he's doing is abuse, plain and simple and your DCs are going to grow up thinking this is normal.

I second looking at how a man treats his mum to see how you'll end up being treated. Always been true, good or bad, for me.

He will so think nothing of picking an argument in front of DC with me over everything I do
Which, of course, they'll be picking up on and considering normal behaviour.

He's emotionally abusive every day, including in front of your children.

Time to leave.

Not even read the full thread but wanted to say that he sounds like a right cunt.

"I recall a wise elderly lady saying to me watch the relationship with their mother.
If he's a horrible to his mum. He'll be a horrible to his wife."

Very true.
And you still married him.

He sounds horrible OP.

This is not banter it is abuse. He isn't even pretending to be joking. He sounds completely horrible.

Please save yourself and your children from this