To be a annoyed that hubby will give banter but not take!

[melclaire1111]

So hubby is really good at giving banter. He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

When we argue he is also particularly nasty, and will call me some horrible names and accuse me of being a horrible person, and a bad mother etc.

So today is the first Saturday since DC was born 17 months ago that I'm out for a few hours on a Saturday and leaving DC with daddy. (I work full time mon-fri so saturdays are normally mine and dc's day as daddy goes to football every week so i'm not really looking forward to this afternoon)

Hubby knows some of the girls going today and speaks to them more than me. This morning he said be careful what i say to one of them as they're not talking to him, so I jokingly said oh i'll moan about u all afternoon as they Don't like u anyway! I realosed it sounded harsh as soon as i said it and apologised but hes now in a massive strop, called me a horrible and vindictive person and hasn't spoken to me for hours! I've apologised several time, it honestly wasn't meant to be that harsh but he doesn't want to know!

So am I being unreasonable or should he learn to accept banter as well?

I hate the us of the word 'banter' as it seems to be the term people use to cover up nasty, bullying behaviour.
What you describe is dreadful. As others have said your children will think this is how you treat people; is that what you want?
Stop covering up his abusive behaviour.

You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship.

It’s NOT BANTERRRRRRRRRRR

please open your eyes

Don't put up with this - it IS abuse.

Stop calling it banter. It's not banter. I know 'banter' is more palatable for you to digest but you are only fooling yourself. It's abuse.

He's not giving banter, he's being a twat.

I’ll add as well he’s conditioned you well to have you excuse such tyrannical behaviour as “banter”.

Re-read your post from 13:45.

Imagine your daughter writing that.

The man’s a shitehawk of the highest order.

"He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh."

Who are these people, & how do they react? Why do they have anything to do with him?

This is not banter. Banter is two-way, affectionate, and humorous. This is none of those.

Hmmm. An example of banter might be when I had a bf with a posh RP accent and I would gently rib him saying "there's no 'r' in bath." For example. It wasn't a criticism, he thought it was funny too. No hurt feelings or harm done. I think you need to readjust your ideas of what banter is. I sometimes call DH a daft old git. But it's said with a smile and usually followed by a kiss. It's a joke. I would never call him anything that he wouldn't call himself and even then, only as a joke. The difference is, I think, he knows I don't mean it. And I would NEVER say anything, even as a joke, if knew it would hurt him. He never says anything like this to me at all. He wouldn't consider it gentlemanly. Although he does laugh at me when I have a "malteser moment" I can take it.
The rule of thumb surely, is that if it hurts, it's NOT banter. And it's NOT funny to hurt someone.

Something for you to read OP. xx

www.liveabout.com/how-can-someone-identify-and-respond-to-verbal-abuse-1102424

Does he give banter to men or is it just you and his mum that he 'banters' with?
It might be time to have a honest chat with your family about what they think of him. If your DF is having to pull him up for the way he's speaking to you then they obviously know this isn't acceptable either.

He sounds quite nasty tbh OP, he is your husband and you know him best but he shouldn’t be speaking to you that way. Also using the word ‘retard’ in 2017 isn’t really on tbh

Banter is two way lighthearted teasing. I know a few people who banter a lot. This is not it. This is abuse.

He is being consistently verbally abusive to you and others. Please read the links above and seriously look at getting away from this vile bully.

He sounds like a nasty abusive piece of work, why ate you with him.

OP, I haven't read the full thread so apologies if I am duplicating other responses.

I was in your situation a few years back, almost exactly. It got worse, and although he tried to improve that was just the way he was, and I couldn't be happy with him.

You might not be ready to leave him, and that's ok, but prepare yourself. If you do leave, you will be fine and your DC will be fine. I met a lovely man and he would never speak to me the way my ex would. You do not have to put up with it. Take care.

Totally what The12days has said.

And babyspider is right - I have found that advice to be true.

Banter is lighthearted, generally amusing, two way ribbing.

It is NOT offensive or abusive.

This is NOT banter OP. Not at all.

"Hubby" is an absolute abusive knobhead. How you even came to the point of having a child with this man I don't know.

He is a bully.

That isn't banter it abuse, what a disgusting person
Why are you still with him?
If he called me a retard he'd be gone, I'm afraid.

Santaslittlemonkey - these men are often worse after a baby. What was jokey becomes insulting and what was strong-minded becomes controlling and twattish. It's like they can't cope with their partners having a new important focus (other than them)

It's not banter, it's bullying.

He sounds nasty and abusive OP. Do you want your DC learning this from him? Do you want him to speak to them like that? I am sorry, but if you put up with this, you'll share the blame.
My DH calls me a fat lazy ugly bitch in front of my children when he's drunk. My 15 year old son told me what a terrible example this is to my 10 year old daughter. He's right. So I've left him.

I grew up in a household like this. Except I was the most insulted victim by my mother and brother. My mother often called me a degrading names and my brother ended up calling me vile and demeaning sexual names / names to state I’m mentally disturbed throughout my teens and 20’s. He uses constant put downs at my expense.

My mother and brother also do it to my dh because he’s below average height and foreign. Even at my stepdads funeral he couldn’t keep a lid on it. He is also physically threatening and abusive to me.

Your children are hearing this. They are absorbing it. Please please do something.

He is verbally abusive, and if you feel the only way of dealing with it is to give it back then he's doing a great job of pulling you down to his level. Really bad if your family have to intervene! You need to be more direct, non emotional and clear in your confrontation of his behaviour, even if you do LTB, you can't escape him as he's the father of your dc and you don't want him thinking its acceptable to speak to them like that. You need to make him understand his behaviour is 100% unacceptable, and you need to keep telling him directly until he gets it. 'Wolf in Sheeps clothing' is a great book actually but the author gives advice on covert aggressives, I fear your dh is an out and out overt aggressive.