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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a annoyed that hubby will give banter but not take!

225 replies

melclaire1111 · 25/11/2017 12:31

So hubby is really good at giving banter. He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

When we argue he is also particularly nasty, and will call me some horrible names and accuse me of being a horrible person, and a bad mother etc.

So today is the first Saturday since DC was born 17 months ago that I'm out for a few hours on a Saturday and leaving DC with daddy. (I work full time mon-fri so saturdays are normally mine and dc's day as daddy goes to football every week so i'm not really looking forward to this afternoon)

Hubby knows some of the girls going today and speaks to them more than me. This morning he said be careful what i say to one of them as they're not talking to him, so I jokingly said oh i'll moan about u all afternoon as they Don't like u anyway! I realosed it sounded harsh as soon as i said it and apologised but hes now in a massive strop, called me a horrible and vindictive person and hasn't spoken to me for hours! I've apologised several time, it honestly wasn't meant to be that harsh but he doesn't want to know!

So am I being unreasonable or should he learn to accept banter as well?

OP posts:
TheHodgeoftheHedge · 25/11/2017 13:31

That's not banter. That's being an arsehole.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/11/2017 13:32

You taking the piss museum.
I hope so, but sadly I don't think he/ she is taking the piss, sadly.

Oh and I agree with pp it seems he can only "banter" with women. If a man fronted up to him. He'd run for cover

Hogtini · 25/11/2017 13:34

Banter is banter. Abuse is abuse.

ManchesterGin · 25/11/2017 13:35

Not banter, just cruel insults. He sounds horrible.

Some of the kids where I work protest "it was just banter miss" to try and cover up their vile behaviour and bullying.

Dothedamnthang · 25/11/2017 13:37

I never normally join a thread to second what someone has said but I totally agree with overnightangel and all the other pps who've said what a nasty piece of work this guy seems to be.

Mxyzptlk · 25/11/2017 13:40

Why are you apologising when he's said far worse? Tell him "it's just banter".

...and if he doesn't like it, tell him you don't like banter either, and maybe you (both) shouldn't do it anymore?

^^ This

Some of the kids where I work protest "it was just banter miss" to try and cover up their vile behaviour and bullying.

OP, your DC could well become this type of child if they have to live with their dad behaving as he does.

InsomniacAnonymous · 25/11/2017 13:40

"You taking the piss museum"

Sorry, but I couldn't help thinking how terrible a piss museum would be. I'll get my coat.

brasty · 25/11/2017 13:41

That is NOT banter. Banter is a two way thing. What he is doing is insulting you.

ChuffMuffin · 25/11/2017 13:42

There's banter, and then there's being a cunt. I strongly suspect your husband is the latter of the two. I hate nasty people who try to dress it up as banter or a joke when you pull them up on it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/11/2017 13:43

your first mistake is in imagining that the way your husband speaks to you and others is "banter". Banter is light hearted, can be an exchange of insults between friends but is never taken seriously.

Your husband is an abusive, rude arsehole. He is a bullying twat and of course he can't take it back because he expects you to know your place and stay in it, which is as his whipping-girl (verbal).

He "reduces his mother to tears" and you think that's still banter? No.

Wake up, please - see this arsehole for what he is and decide whether you want your child to be brought up in a home where the father regularly insults and abuses everyone around him, or whether you'd prefer your child to grow up in a different environment.

Aspergallus · 25/11/2017 13:44

It all sounds very demeaning. Banter, apart from being a wanky word, is fun, mutual. Me and DH doing each other's accents, trying to out-do each other on playing exhausted when the DC need something. What you are describing is someone belittling you with nasty derogatory words. And it's one-way. I'd also be interested to know if he spoke to men like that, particularly men who are bigger than him. Men who save this kind of "banter" for home may be domestic abusers, particularly if they also use other forms of abuse -shutting you down, the silent treatment etc...bit like you are describing now.

Original poster
melclaire1111 · 25/11/2017 13:45

I've tried asking him to cut down on the banter/insults but he lasts about a day before he does it again. He is also one of those people that if you Don't agree with him or do something his way it's wrong and that lead to a whole load more of name calling!

I admit I have let him get away with it for years and as I Don't want DC growing up seeing it I ask him to think about what he says in front of them. It lasts about a day and then we back to square one!

He will so think nothing of picking an argument in front of DC with me over everything I do (my dad even had to ask him to stop moaning at me when we were roubd the other day) so yeah I probably have bigger problems than just the banter.

OP posts:
Lemonnaise · 25/11/2017 13:49

YABU for apologising to him, tell him to dry his eyes. Why are you allowing him to say all these horrible things to you? It's not banter. He makes his own mother cry and doesn't feel bad about itAngry I think that says it all about this 'man'.

TheGoalIsToStayOutOfTheHole · 25/11/2017 13:50

He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

I would not say any of these were 'banter' tbh. Sounds like he is just being insulting for the sake of it. Dare I say it...a bully Confused

TacoFlavouredKisses · 25/11/2017 13:50

Why would you want to spend your life with such an ignorant twat bringing you down? Particularly when you have children who he'll treat the same and, even if he doesn't, will see him speaking to you like this and think it's okay.

Fuck that. Life's too short.

GreatWesternValkyrie · 25/11/2017 13:50

I’m assuming you’ve put up with this for many years because what you’re describing as banter is so far removed from it and is actually terrible verbal abuse and bullying. Unacceptable from anyone but even more so from your own husband. Hopefully the pretty emphatic responses from so many posters will help you to recognise this for what it is and to take action.

You should not be ignoring this and certainly should not be forcing yourself to retaliate in kind in the hope that he will ‘take it’ as that doesn’t sounds like the kind of person you are or want to be judging by your comments, so will just make you even more miserable as it will become one long cycle of insults, abuse and his sulks.

Please don’t put up with this any longer Flowers

Lemonnaise · 25/11/2017 13:51

Oh God he sounds awful, I feel for you. Life's too short for putting up with that shite. I'm glad your dad stuck up for you, it must be so frustrating to see his daughter being verbally abused in front of him.

happypoobum · 25/11/2017 13:53

This bloke sound like an abusive dickhead to me. What on earth do you tolerate this for? Have you no self respect.

It sounds like he has done a real number on your self esteem over the years so you now accept this daily abuse as "normal banter" It bloody isn't.

Tell him to pack it in or pack his bags.

ObscuredbyFog · 25/11/2017 13:53

OP please clean your glasses and truly see him for what he is, then get him out of all your lives immediately.

I've seen posts on here from women saying they've always tolerated their husbands' 'banter' (i.e. abuse) but now are in bits because their kids treat them just the same as he does.

Nip this in the bud, he is abusive.

Bratsandtwats · 25/11/2017 13:55

Sorry OP, but from what you are telling us, that is not banter, it's verbal abuse.

Banter is lighthearted and funny, give and take. What he is saying is not.

MissConductUS · 25/11/2017 13:55

@melclaire1111 do you have any idea what's made him so bloody angry? Did he have some huge disappointment or betrayal in his life that he's still fuming about? The hostility is coming from somewhere, either an event in his history or some psychological problem.

Don't think you can shield your DC from this either. He's poisoned the whole atmosphere at home. He needs to knock this off or you need to take the dc and go. You can't keep exposing your kids to this.

custarddinosaur · 25/11/2017 13:57

That is nasty, insulting verbal abuse, not 'banter'.

Eolian · 25/11/2017 13:59

That is not banter. Banter is light-hearted, amusing jokiness or teasing between people who both get to participate.

He is a rude, aggressive bully and he will either traumatise your children or make them be like him.

WineGummyBear · 25/11/2017 14:00

Banter implies both parties participating equally in light-hearted joking.

Not one person going through life being abusive to his family.

So sorry OP.

Traffig · 25/11/2017 14:03

Being called a retard is not banter.