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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a annoyed that hubby will give banter but not take!

225 replies

melclaire1111 · 25/11/2017 12:31

So hubby is really good at giving banter. He will think of nothing of insulting people to their face and is often quite harsh. Even with me. He will think nothing of calling me fat, stupid, ugly, a loser etc. This morning he called me a retard because I couldn't reverse into a space properly, but i just ignore him.

When we argue he is also particularly nasty, and will call me some horrible names and accuse me of being a horrible person, and a bad mother etc.

So today is the first Saturday since DC was born 17 months ago that I'm out for a few hours on a Saturday and leaving DC with daddy. (I work full time mon-fri so saturdays are normally mine and dc's day as daddy goes to football every week so i'm not really looking forward to this afternoon)

Hubby knows some of the girls going today and speaks to them more than me. This morning he said be careful what i say to one of them as they're not talking to him, so I jokingly said oh i'll moan about u all afternoon as they Don't like u anyway! I realosed it sounded harsh as soon as i said it and apologised but hes now in a massive strop, called me a horrible and vindictive person and hasn't spoken to me for hours! I've apologised several time, it honestly wasn't meant to be that harsh but he doesn't want to know!

So am I being unreasonable or should he learn to accept banter as well?

OP posts:
LazyDailyMailJournos · 25/11/2017 18:33

He sounds utterly vile.

Is this what you want for your children?

Leave.

Dancinggoat · 25/11/2017 18:46

You are making excuses for him calling it banter. It's your way of minimising his behaviour. Actually accepting it is validating it. It's not about how he talks in front of his child it's how he is in front of everyone.
Banter does not cause upset it causes you to laugh. Who is laughing apart from him.

ifcatscouldtalk · 25/11/2017 18:46

I love banter. Would consider myself not easily offended and certainly playful, cheeky and humorous remarks from both people when it is very tongue in cheek is banter and a laugh.
Reading your op I cannot spot one piece of banter. This sounds controlling and nasty. He makes his own mother cry fgs. That's not banter.

SilverBirchTree · 25/11/2017 18:52

'Banter'? I think the word you're looking for is 'abuse'.

Mxyzptlk · 25/11/2017 19:14

my dad even had to ask him to stop moaning at me
And I'm guessing he didn't answer your dad like he does to his own Mum.

I hope you had a good day out with your friends and will now start to think about whether you and your DC really want to live with someone who acts so nastily.

Mittens1969 · 25/11/2017 20:43

I agree that he's being abusive, OP, this is not banter. To call it banter is to minimise what he's been doing. And you should seriously consider whether this is the kind of behaviour you want your DC to be growing up around.

AppleAndBlackberry · 25/11/2017 20:59

Banter is things like joking that someone always takes 3 hours to cook a meal or falls asleep in meetings or can't live without coffee. What your DH does is just meanness. Why are you with him???

justilou1 · 25/11/2017 21:55

Has it occurred to you that what he called banter is actually verbal abuse?

nancydrew · 25/11/2017 23:00

My ex-husband used to say 'I'm only winding you up'. It made it look like I was being uncool and lacking in a sense of humour when in fact he was being horrid to me. It was mean. I am divorced now, due to that aspect of his behaviour and other more unpleasant ones. I really don't think that your husband's behaviour is kind, loving or ok. It's abuse OP.

frieda909 · 25/11/2017 23:12

I’ve been in this relationship Sad

Every single day. Insults and abuse always followed up with ‘it’s just a joke!’ It’s a form of gaslighting, I think. You end up constantly questioning yourself, wondering whether you really are just oversensitive or missing your sense of humour.

I can promise you, you’re not.

HPandBaconSandwiches · 25/11/2017 23:13

You are not responsible for his behaviour. He is an out an out abusive individual.

BUT you are responsible for allowing your children to be exposed to this. Would it be ok for them to learn these words and use them with the same angry expression to other children at nursery? Do you want them growing up and thinking this is an OK way to behave? What would you think if your son behaved like this to his future partner?

You’ve asked him to stop. He won’t/can’t.

I’d tell him to leave. He can sort out his anger issues on his own time.

Your strongest duty is to your children and yourself. Time for big girl pants and pack him a suitcase.

Original poster
melclaire1111 · 26/11/2017 08:13

So I had my afternoon out, got home and hubby is still sulking.

Tried talking to him once DC had gone to bed but he wasn't interested. He stayed up playing on the PlayStation while I went to bed.

I tries to cuddle up to him in the night and he just threw my arm off.

He goes away for a few nights later in the week, Don't want him to go with us not talking but at the same time maybe the space will be good

OP posts:
CarrieBradshaw85 · 26/11/2017 08:14

What a child...LTB he's an abusive arsehole.

pictish · 26/11/2017 08:32

Well...there's your punishment for your insubordination.
I'm really sorry...it's horrible. What are you thinking?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/11/2017 08:34

Why are you chasing round after him? Where's your self-respect? Your pride?

Look at him - really look at him. Think about the way he treats you and the way he speaks to you. Are you actually happy? Or do you spend your time gamely putting up with his "banter" and biting your tongue knowing that you can't say anything back because he'll sulk? Walking around on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods? Do you really want your kids to grow up and think that this is what "love" looks like?

Quartz2208 · 26/11/2017 08:35

Even here it’s all about him and power and control. Making you feel bad until you grovel.

Wibblywobblyfoo · 26/11/2017 08:36

if i was you ,i would b hopeful that he wouldnt come back.

Angrybird345 · 26/11/2017 08:39

Seriously, you need to understand this is ABUSE and NOT banter. That’s your first problem. Now get rid of him.

ButchyRestingFace · 26/11/2017 08:39

I tries to cuddle up to him in the night and he just threw my arm off.

Why? Why do you want to cuddle an abusive twat?

You’d get less spikiness from cuddling a cactus.

He goes away for a few nights later in the week, Don't want him to go with us not talking but at the same time maybe the space will be good

If the house is in your name, I’d be more inclined to change the locks.

Although in that case, he’d possibly go to his mother’s, which wouldn’t be ideal either.

Anasnake · 26/11/2017 08:40

Why are you trying to cuddle him or appease him ?? - he's an arsehole, tell him to fuck off. He needs to grow up and stop being an abusive twat. Standing up to him and taking no shit is what you need to do. Get some self respect.

chocolateorangeowls · 26/11/2017 08:46

It’s not banter, he is a nasty bully!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/11/2017 08:47

He sounds like a spoilt over grown child. My 4 year old nephew acts more mature. That's not tongue in cheek, either.

Perhaps you can use the time he's gone to get away from the cunt.

He makes his poor mum cry. He's corrupt. I'd have laid down and died for my mum.

Raisedbyguineapigs · 26/11/2017 08:55

Why are you trying to make peace and cuddling up to him? He now thinks he is in the right and you are in the wrong when he is the bully. That isn't 'banter'. For a start, banter is two way- humorous joking between two people. Not a way of insulting someone and making them cry. He's a moron and he should be apologising. Not expecting you to apologise to him! Was it 'banter' when you said your friends dont like him? They may have good reason. Maybe he talks to them more than you because he thinks they are better than you, you pointed out some home truths that they dont like him, they think hes a dick and thats bruised his ego.

whoareyoukidding · 26/11/2017 08:55

Start making plans, OP. Do you own or rent your place?

pictish · 26/11/2017 08:55

"Why? Why do you want to cuddle an abusive twat?"
Because the current atmosphere is unbearable. The tension, the fear, the fact that the kids are around and in the mix, the desire to put an end to the bad feeling, the doubt that a reasonable person invariably feels in a situation like this that they have done something to create it. She wants it to stop so she is trying to diffuse it.
Why do you think?

This is what abusive people do...they behave like a total shit and then make their victim grovel for upsetting them.