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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to participate in Secret Santa this year...

220 replies

helen3000 · 25/11/2017 09:42

This is trivial - first world problems and so on.

So in my workplace (22 people,) we had a secret Santa last year. (First time we have done it.) We all work different shifts, (as the place is open 12 hours a day,) and some people work different days to others. We decided to pick names (out of a box!) and buy for whoever we picked. You probably all know how it works, you all pick a name, and whichever name you get, you buy for. (And the person you pick is unlikely to have got your name.)

So I picked someone - I will call her Alison - and set out to buy her a gift, which I did. I wrapped it, and left it in the 'Secret Santa cupboard' where we were all due to pick up our gifts on the Friday (the 23rd) which was our last day. People were picking them up at different times because of the varying shifts.

So, everyone went excitedly to the 'cupboard' for their gifts at varying times of the day (on the 23rd,) for their Secret Santa gift. I was one of the last on that day (1pm til 6.30pm shift,) and I went for my gift. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Sad

Long story short, I had no gift. I asked the manager where it was, and she said she has no idea, and didn't even know who was meant to be buying me, When I asked a few others, no-one else seemed to know either. Confused

Suffice to say, I was the only one without a gift. The only one out of 22 people. Sad

I did contemplate picking a name (this year,) and just not buying a gift (like someone did to me last year,) but that would probably make someone feel as shit as I did, and it is very unlikely I will pick the person who didn't get a gift for me last year.

It's trivial I know, but I was really hurt.

So AIBU to refuse to participate this year?

OP posts:
LiminalTides · 27/11/2017 02:05

OP, I think it's likely that your gift was nicked, sadly. Probably because you are actually extremely well liked and the thief knew the gift with your name on would be a really good one.

Abbylee · 27/11/2017 04:29

I asked that my ss gift be donated to the local charity. The giving tree, i didn't care. It was easier than being disappointed.

hesterton · 27/11/2017 05:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DivisionBelle · 27/11/2017 08:37

Whether you take part or not is up to you.

But as a boss I would be a bit eye-rolley at someone who came to me a whole year later with a tale of being hurt, etc. It is a long grudge to hold when you don’t know what actually happened (someone could have been off sick, your name slip could have fallen down a crack...), but you have taken it very personally.

Unless there is reason to suspect year round bullying or ostracisation from colleagues, in which case demand your manager deals with that!

As a manager I would be more impressed if you simply suggested improvements in tne system to stop it happening again, or just said ‘no thanks, I’m out this year!’.

FingerlingUnderling · 27/11/2017 10:10

I like a secret Santa where people get genuinely excited about getting something for each other but I have to admit I was 😒 The year I got nipple tassels....

BillywilliamV · 27/11/2017 11:14

Good grief you lot, its meant to be FUN!

ptumbi · 27/11/2017 11:17

RTFT BillywilliamV

It might be meant as fun but it doesm't always happen that way.

KAT0779 · 27/11/2017 11:39

I have never participated in secret santa as I don't really see the point of having to buy an extra gift and more than likely receive something I don't want (sorry if that sounds miserable).

I would personally just laugh it off and say something like "nah I don't think I will be buying one this year, I bought for someone last year and didn't get my present, maybe I will get bought one this year though"

JonSnowsWife · 27/11/2017 11:57

YNBU. I refuse to participate too.

It's not 'only' £20 to some. That's gas and electric for the week for many.

Abbylee · 27/11/2017 13:28

Whenever i participated names were put up with a wish list in appropriate price range. That would give a clue the ss about giftee.

user1483875094 · 27/11/2017 13:59

A simple round-robin email (which the mean person who didn't bother to do her/his bit will also get to read) mentioning that you will not be participating this year, as last year you went to the trouble of selecting a lovely gift for your "said" person, but sadly, you were the ONLY person left out, of 23 others, which was a bit dismal, so this year, sorry folks, I am ducking out of this practice. You will NOT be being unreasonable!!! I absolutely HATE this silly practice anyway.

rookiemere · 27/11/2017 14:30

Oh lord no. An email to everyone saying you didn’t get a gift last year will make you look positively unhinged.

Fine to verbally let anybody know who asks but an email to everyone would reflect a lot more on you than the stingy secret Santa (sss)

pollymere · 27/11/2017 18:34

I left an SS gift at home by accident one year...so I wrote an IOU. No excuse to knowingly take a gift when you know you haven't brought one. I wonder if someone took yours as they'd been left out. We have a check that the correct number of gifts is there and petty cash buys a few emergency bottles of wine if there's a shortfall. I think you're probably right to not take part if it's not better organised.

DivisionBelle · 27/11/2017 19:18

“A simple round-robin email (which the mean person who didn't bother to do her/his bit will also get to read) mentioning that you will not be participating this year, as last year you went to the trouble of selecting a lovely gift for your "said" person, but sadly, you were the ONLY person left out, of 23 others, which was a bit dismal, so this year, sorry folks, I am ducking out of this practice.”

However reasonable you might be in deciding not to take part, THIS course of action will make you look incredibly petty, manipulative, passive aggressive, obsessive and mean. It will definitely backfire. People will avoid you. At best they will be tactful, at worst take the piss.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/11/2017 21:39

Yeah, the bottom line is there is no way to state that you're not playing this yeah because you didn't get a present last year that will not make you look like a spoilt, self-obsessed whinyarse.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 27/11/2017 22:59

“A simple round-robin email (which the mean person who didn't bother to do her/his bit will also get to read) mentioning that you will not be participating this year, as last year you went to the trouble of selecting a lovely gift for your "said" person, but sadly, you were the ONLY person left out, of 23 others, which was a bit dismal, so this year, sorry folks, I am ducking out of this practice.”

You will become an office legend if you send that. Long after you have left people will still talk about the unhinged employee and the round Robin email.

DivisionBelle · 28/11/2017 08:25

The advice from User25796RoundRobinEmail is so spectacularly bad that I wonder if it doesn’t come from a Russian account somewhere, set up to de-stabilise Western workplaces.

Brexit, U.S Elections, Westminster Bridge, Catalonia and now Secret Santa. Wink

Shadow666 · 28/11/2017 09:21

Please do the passive aggressive round robin email. Then, report back and tell us all about it.

tinysparklyshoes · 28/11/2017 09:32

You're the only one who didn't get a gift. That's a pretty strong message

Yeah the message is "you're paranoid"

Littlenic73 · 28/11/2017 17:28

I think you should just say you are not participating as yoi are still waiting for last year's gift. £10 isn't a small amount if money for everyone, especially if you have a large extended family to buy for, are part of several teams and only work part time. I have worked with people who have said their wine bill is more than my salary, so for them it may be nothing. It is difficult trying to fit in lots of dinners in lots of departments. I haven't booked the work one this year, last year and the year before me they forgot to invite me (the teams changed around and they forgot I was now technically in their team so forgot to email me). Now we don't do secret Santa any more , and frankly it's a relief.

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