To refuse to participate in Secret Santa this year...

[helen3000]

This is trivial - first world problems and so on.

So in my workplace (22 people,) we had a secret Santa last year. (First time we have done it.) We all work different shifts, (as the place is open 12 hours a day,) and some people work different days to others. We decided to pick names (out of a box!) and buy for whoever we picked. You probably all know how it works, you all pick a name, and whichever name you get, you buy for. (And the person you pick is unlikely to have got your name.)

So I picked someone - I will call her Alison - and set out to buy her a gift, which I did. I wrapped it, and left it in the 'Secret Santa cupboard' where we were all due to pick up our gifts on the Friday (the 23rd) which was our last day. People were picking them up at different times because of the varying shifts.

So, everyone went excitedly to the 'cupboard' for their gifts at varying times of the day (on the 23rd,) for their Secret Santa gift. I was one of the last on that day (1pm til 6.30pm shift,) and I went for my gift. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Long story short, I had no gift. I asked the manager where it was, and she said she has no idea, and didn't even know who was meant to be buying me, When I asked a few others, no-one else seemed to know either.

Suffice to say, I was the only one without a gift. The only one out of 22 people.

I did contemplate picking a name (this year,) and just not buying a gift (like someone did to me last year,) but that would probably make someone feel as shit as I did, and it is very unlikely I will pick the person who didn't get a gift for me last year.

It's trivial I know, but I was really hurt.

So AIBU to refuse to participate this year?

I would love to say I don't want to participate in our one but haven't the nerve.

I was in a SS with a bunch of other lone parents, idea being we had no significant other to buy us a gift so we all got a little surprise gift that year. The concept was well meaning. I chose my recipient a thoughtful, positive gift. I received my gift (a little book called something along the lines of Life is shit get used to it ) and CRIED. I know it might seem a bit dramatic, but I am not a dramatic or emotional person at all. I'd have been happy with a bottle of cheap bubble bath or a chocolate bar. The point of the SS was to raise our spirits and make us feel cared for. I'd love to know who it was who chose me it as they obviously dislike me!

OP I agree with you. Opt out and explain why.

We do it well in my office. Very close team of 12. We have a £25 limit so you get a pretty decent gift.

I feel sorry for any new person coming in to work at your office and being told they have to spend £25 on a colleague. I don't even spend that on some family members!

I feel sorry for any new person coming in to work at your office and being told they have to spend £25 on a colleague. I don't even spend that on some family members!

Nobody has to do anything, they can opt to not take part. Each year, we discuss the budget and all agree it. It’s well within our budgets. It works out cheaper as we used to all buy each other gifts so 1 x £25 present makes much more sense.

Sabineundine - one of the reasons I'm not participating is because I suspect my present would involve magnolia because of my great age.

Of course it wasn't nice that you didn't receive a gift but I'm afraid you lost my sympathy when you said in your OP I did contemplate picking a name (this year,) and just not buying a gift (like someone did to me last year,) but that would probably make someone feel as shit as I did, and it is very unlikely I will pick the person who didn't get a gift for me last year. How could you even momentarily contemplate doing such a mean thing?

In the grand scheme of things is it really worth getting worked up about not receiving a gift a year ago which would, in all probability, have been a bit crap anyway?

Just don't participate this year.

I think the £25 budget poster is absolutely nuts! £25??? That's more than i spend on members of my family. Yeah it's a decent amount for a decent present - but fuck that is a lot of money. To me anyway. I certainly wouldnt know what to buy a colleague for that

I assume you mean the budget is “nuts”, and not me?

Otherwise, that’s not very nice. I could say I think you’re mean for spending so little on gifts for your family but I’m not rude like that, so I won’t.

Yanbu, Op. We do ss at work every year and a few years ago, we had a male colleague on our team. Everyone opens their gifts and gets things like prosecco, chocs etc. Male colleague, let's call him Mike, Mike opens his gift to receive a revolving bow tie and a Santa thong. There were lots of faces.

Last year, a colleague invited our manager, who turned up empty handed and everyone gets their gifts apart from one colleague. Organiser gets flustered as another colleague got two secret santa gifts. Eventually the colleague with two gifts donates one to the colleague without.

OP..i feel embarrassed for you What a hurtful thing to happen,
I wouldnt take part again and Id make sure they knew why.
BTW..your manager is shit at managing,

That's horrible. It's happened to me too but the gifts were being given out at a staff meal and the person who had me had forgotten.

As a manager I now always bring a few spare booze/chocs gifts to prevent that happening to anyone else.

What a bunch of lovely posts, thanks so much everyone.

Yeah it was hurtful, and right at this moment, I am still not participating. I know a small handful of people said 'try again as it's unlikely to happen again,' but I am just not feeling it. I will think about it over the weekend and talk to my manager about it in a few days.

When my team suggest doing SS I always ask them to make sure they nominate someone to oversee it and keep a list of who has whom, and to take 'delivery' of the presents. Keeps it organised and also ensures that nobody is left out - accidentally or otherwise. It works well and crucially, is completely optional. There are a couple of people who don't participate and it's a complete non-issue. I don't take part either, but I buy a token something - usually chocs or wine - for all of my direct reports anyway.

'When my team suggest doing SS I always ask them to make sure they nominate someone to oversee it and keep a list of who has whom, and to take 'delivery' of the presents.'

Seems like it might also be a good idea to ban any gifts of a sexual nature, that could easily be construed as harassment.

MyrandaRoyce

Your experience on page 5 is interesting, because the possibility of that happening was the reason eventually given by the secret Santa organiser at our work once for not including any of the female members of the team (after we queried it). The proportion of male:female workers was more than 9:1, so it meant that the vast majority were invited to take part which felt a bit shit at the time.

It should be the case that reminding people that normal rules on appropriateness apply even at Christmas is enough, without needing to either exclude (completely blameless) people or allowing them to be made uncomfortable.

Expat yes, absolutely. Fortunately my team are all nice and pretty sensible people so beyond a brief "keep it appropriate", it's not been necessary to do anything else. They all seem to put some time and effort into it as well, which is nice. And those who don't participate still gather round for the exchange of the gifts session as they like seeing what people got.

For Secret Santa last year I received a pair of cheap body piercing studs. I have no body piercings, the person who bought them must have thought they were earrings (or thinks I have some exotic hidden piercings!) Completely useless. I would love not to do it but it's not worth the politics (small office).

Good on you OP for refusing. SS is shite. It just perpetuates the proliferation of shops selling cheap random crap that should never be made in the first place.

The last SS I took part in I was given the lowest of low SS gifts - lottery tickets. Everyone knows whoever bought this put zero thought into buying it and probably bought them in the shop round the corner with seconds to spare before the deadline. What made it worse was that everyone who knows me knows that I think the lottery is bollocks. I spent far too much time wondering if it was given by someone who just couldn’t be arsed or given by someone who was surreptitiously trying to flip me the bird.
And no I didn’t win anything. Fuck off SS

YANBU. There are a dozen ways a Secret Santa exchange can go wrong and it is up to the organizer to make sure it doesn't! If they aren't making sure everyone does their part, it's very reasonable to not participate.

JustHereForThePooStories - no I think you are nuts for agreeing a budget of £25. As I said upthread, I don't spend that on some members of my family - I can't afford it for xxx number of family members. My own children, yes, but not everyone.

I could say I think you’re mean for spending so little on gifts for your family And who the hell are you to tell me what I 'should' spend?

And as for 'no-one has to be included' - a 'close office of 12 colleagues'? How would that work if a new member joins? My old office (of 6) 'agreed' a budget of £15 per person (still way too much for me, for only a colleague) and as a new, 6month in, joiner, I couldn't say 'that's too much'. It had been agreed years ago.

And who the hell are you to tell me what I 'should' spend?

Oh, the irony!

Everyone in my team earns between £70k and £90k. £25 isn’t a lot of money to us. It obviously is to you, which is fine, but don’t go using terms like “nuts” to compensate for what appears to be bitterness at your own circumstances.

Nope - you think someone spending less than £25 on a family member is 'mean'? Well, no, I don't earn upwards of £70k, that figure is not even in the same ballpark. So don't tell me I'm mean for spending £x on my family members.

And do you know what 'irony' means?

Any new member of staff coming into your office on a 'normal' wage will be crippled by a budget of £25 for a fricking colleague. My old office budget of £15 was bad enough.

My workplace did secret santa until 2 years ago, then someone suggested we all buy a gift to donate to charity.
Last year the YMCA collected over 100 gifts for those who needed them most.
We will repeat this again this year

This is why I won't take part.
I always used to buy nice stuff as I don't get many presents at Christmas (just from my parents and they always ask me what I want so no surprise) but most of my colleagues just bought joke tat.
No I really don't want a cup with a penis handle cheers.

A couple of years ago dds school did a class one and the bully got matched with dd. The teacher didn't check and basically the bully ripped dds name up, threw it in the bin and when it came to handing the presents out in class dd got nothing. It was awful.

How could you even momentarily contemplate doing such a mean thing?
Oh for christ's sake silvery, you pretentious thing. Are you seriously presenting yourself as someone so utterly perfect you don't even have a momentary mean thought, ever?

don’t go using terms like “nuts” to compensate for what appears to be bitterness at your own circumstances
Careful, your mask slipped a bit there