To refuse to participate in Secret Santa this year...

[helen3000]

This is trivial - first world problems and so on.

So in my workplace (22 people,) we had a secret Santa last year. (First time we have done it.) We all work different shifts, (as the place is open 12 hours a day,) and some people work different days to others. We decided to pick names (out of a box!) and buy for whoever we picked. You probably all know how it works, you all pick a name, and whichever name you get, you buy for. (And the person you pick is unlikely to have got your name.)

So I picked someone - I will call her Alison - and set out to buy her a gift, which I did. I wrapped it, and left it in the 'Secret Santa cupboard' where we were all due to pick up our gifts on the Friday (the 23rd) which was our last day. People were picking them up at different times because of the varying shifts.

So, everyone went excitedly to the 'cupboard' for their gifts at varying times of the day (on the 23rd,) for their Secret Santa gift. I was one of the last on that day (1pm til 6.30pm shift,) and I went for my gift. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Long story short, I had no gift. I asked the manager where it was, and she said she has no idea, and didn't even know who was meant to be buying me, When I asked a few others, no-one else seemed to know either.

Suffice to say, I was the only one without a gift. The only one out of 22 people.

I did contemplate picking a name (this year,) and just not buying a gift (like someone did to me last year,) but that would probably make someone feel as shit as I did, and it is very unlikely I will pick the person who didn't get a gift for me last year.

It's trivial I know, but I was really hurt.

So AIBU to refuse to participate this year?

My DH earns upwards of £80k and would not be caught dead spending £25 on a colleague for secret Santa. It's not tight, it's just normal.

Ours is 25-30 (we are all friendly outside of work though), 20 seems pretty normal around here in my previous jobs.

poostories - you earn between £70-90K? And spend £25 on SS.

Ok. I earn less than a third of your lower end (Highly educated but public sector) - in fact probably more like a quarter of lower end, give or take a thousand or two. So to feel as comfortable as you do on your SS I should be paying roughly a quarter of £25 - say £7 for the sake of argument. In fact my office SS is £15 - which is twice your comfortable. So how would you feel about £50 on SS?

That's roughly my weekly food bill for me and dc! (I have NO idea what £70K looks like )

I'm not mean spending £15 on members of family - I'm living within my budget. I don't believe in going into debt to pay for christmas. I suppose you, earning 4 times my salary, should be spending £60 each on extended family? Otherwise you would be 'mean'? And, by extension, hundreds on close members?

Lucky you.

You tell 'em ptumbi.

I can never get over how people are criticised for making decisions that are based on them staying within budget, not going into debt, and not losing their house!

Sadly, I think this total lack of understanding/empathy and assumption that everyone can afford the same things, only comes to light when it comes to idiotic flippin' SS, or going out for lunches, or team Christmas do's. Some people have NO idea and yet seem to enjoy gloating about the fact that 'they' can afford it. Not a lot of help to the people that can't. Managers should be MORE aware and considerate AND inclusive.

I did it last year & I bought a sort of jokey present for my recipient and everyone else bought ‘proper’ presents as they’d been there much longer than me and/or sat in th same office. This year we don’t seem to be doing it! I think if you opt out totally it’s fine. We didn’t have to do it, but I like entering into the spirit of things and being a team player as we are a small team.,

Ours is 25-30 (we are all friendly outside of work though), 20 seems pretty normal around here in my previous jobs

Is that a stealth boast? I work in a sector where many people, including myself, earn far more than the national average.

My firm's budget is £10. I go over that because it requires less effort to find something nice but no one would dream of suggesting anything higher.

Some people have NO idea and yet seem to enjoy gloating about the fact that 'they' can afford it. Not a lot of help to the people that can't. - totally.

I can't afford £25 for a colleague - I can't afford £15 but I 'have' to suck it up (close office, you know, not being a meanie grinch...)

But even when I 'only' spend £x on family - no-one comes to my house and thinks I am a grinch. I bake, I make, I decorate, I have a tree, and presents; and every/anyone who comes will go away with something, even if it's a bag of homemade biscuits or choc truffles.

I don't blame you. Secret Santa only works with small groups who know each other well.

BTW, if I'd been your boss, I would have got you something myself. Shrugging it off is just horrible.

I hate secret Santa. I’d rather just buy myself something I actually want for 10 pounds. I hate book clubs too though. Would rather spend my time reading a book that I’m interested in. I guess I’m not very adventurous in that respect or perhaps I just value my time and money too much.

My workplace did secret santa until 2 years ago, then someone suggested we all buy a gift to donate to charity.
Last year the YMCA collected over 100 gifts for those who needed them most.
We will repeat this again this year

So much nicer than more tat for everyone. One year as everyone at work argued about where to go for our Christmas meal I suggested we have a get together in the office and donate the meal money to a charity. I nearly got lynched.

Jokey presents are always shit. And a lot of the reason why SS is so shit. Someone always hands over some inappropriate crap or uses it as an opportunity to bully or humiliate others.

Is that a stealth boast?
No just what we do. I am in Australia though so I think it converts to less.
I must say, I'm happy to fork out for a ss gift but I always vote no to having our get together at expensive restaurants or club/shows. I tell them I'm happy for them to go without me but I'm not interested in spending so much so close to Christmas. Work pays for our normal nibbles etc when we have it after hours so I'm happy with that.

A colleague and I entered into a Secret Santa Pact. we did it slightly differently where I worked, you bought a present in and put it in a pile so in theory you only had a gift if you had brought one in. You then drew lots to work out the order of picking out a present from the heap.

We made sure that we knew how each other's presents were wrapped , and did not wrap them attractively so they were unlikely to be chosen by others then put them at the bottom of the pile. it worked! but it was a risky strategy so the next year we both bowed out, especially when we realised one of the "gifts" we had avoided was a child's jigsaw puzzle. nice.

I always vote no to having our get together at expensive restaurants or club/shows. - oh and I vote no too! (Proper grinch!)

Last year in addition to the SS (£15) we were expected to join in the christmas meal (min £35, 2 courses) with drinks on top. Then some bright spark decided that to make it more 'fun' we should buy a silly £5 present - like a lightup hat, or silly festive earrings, or glittery deely-boppers - to exchange at the meal...

In total, with the SS and meal and drinks and silly gift it would have cost nearly £70.

No way.

£70 is probably the Christmas budget for some people so ridiculous to spend it on SS and a works do. I always had the added joy of being the non drinker so obviously I was happy to be a free taxi for the drinkers.

I remember at my last organisation one of my colleagues was left out of the SS completely by accident. The person organising it wrote one guy's name twice and because the numbers added up she didn't realise my colleague had her name left out. The woman who was omitted was absolutely fine about it. I think the rest of us were more upset for her than she was!! I think my manager bought her a nice gift at a later time.

YANBU - it happened to my daughter when she was 11 - choir of 16 girls 2 were away on Christmas morning when the gifts were given out. There were gifts for both the absentees but nothing for my daughter and they refused to let her take one of the missing girls gifts either.... she came home in tears.

Yup more Christmas work” fun”. Always causes issues .

This makes me so sad for you OP 💜 Xx

I hate secret santa, it's so awkward and it's like you're obliged to do it. Also the same thing happened to me last year, we all were supposed to leave our gifts on the recipients desk, suffice to say nothing arrived on my desk. I didn't say anything

That happened to me one year, then about a week later, someone said my secret Santa was in the kitchen. It was a 4 pack of strong bow in a carrier bag! 😂 Anyway this year we’ve decided to buy something for £5 or less for a child/teenager and donate to an appropriate charity

You could try and pick your own name out and by a nice bottle of wine & some chocolates for yourself!

Helen 3000, like you I was the last one to get my secret Santa gift one day after everyone else, and when I opened it in front of the whole office, it was a copy of the Big Issue, I was so embarrassed and needless to say no one owned up to it. Still smarts years on.

I used to be a Y7 form tutor and always made sure I bought and wrapped a few spare gifts in case someone forgot to bring their present in.

I do remember own year when a slightly socially awkward boy got the wrong end of the stick about the nature of SS (or perhaps his parents did): all the other kids had bought small toys or sweets/chocolates, whereas his recipient was given a lovingly wrapped...lightbulb.

My current place of work isn’t too big with a mix of male and female, and we all get on fairly well. £10 budget and everyone gets something that’s thoughtful. I’ve also worked in places where people have literally give their SS a £10 note back!

This year we are doing SS and another SS style donation for a local children’s charity where your given something to buy which I like.