Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

379 replies

Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 11:44

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either. Confused

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

OP posts:
TrojansAreSmegheads · 17/11/2017 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 11:45

Oh, he was 45 by the way.

OP posts:
PinkHeart5914 · 17/11/2017 11:46

Then don’t go! Your line manager can not force you to attend and yes you can absolutely refuse to go

I hate this thing that once someone has died you just forget if they weren’t a nice person, why should you pay respects to someone that wasn’t respectful to you?

TrojansAreSmegheads · 17/11/2017 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nikephorus · 17/11/2017 11:47

If all of you say you're not going there's nothing they can do. Just turn up to work as normal.

livefornaps · 17/11/2017 11:47

They shouldn't be expecting you to use leave or lose pay if putting on a united front is so bloody important to them!!! What if you have a funeral of someone you actually like?! I would put it to your boss like that. You can't afford to lose pay or leave so you will be attending work instead. What a bloody nightmare.

MyKingdomForBrie · 17/11/2017 11:47

Go over her head, she’s being ridiculous.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 17/11/2017 11:47

Can’t say I blame you in those circumstances.
Your boss (or anyone else) has no right to pressure you.
Say “I won’t be attending the funeral”.
No need to state why or point out the real reason.

DramaAlpaca · 17/11/2017 11:47

You don't have to go to the funeral, they aren't compulsory.

I'd expect a few people to go to represent the department, but not everybody.

Surely somebody needs to be in the office to hold the fort while others attend the funeral.

Namechanger38 · 17/11/2017 11:48

Fuck that. Stick to your guns. Or make up a medical appt 😉

AnnaleeP · 17/11/2017 11:49

You can't be expected to use leave for this. If it's compulsory it should be counted as part of your working day.

Call acas!

LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2017 11:49

No way would I go, and no way would I lose pay for it. Whilst I can see how sad this is for any friends and family he does have, I to hate the view that you have to mourn or think nices things about someone who was horrible just because they have died.

KurriKurri · 17/11/2017 11:50

They can't force you to go to a funeral, it won't look terrible. Who would it look terrible to ? - the man had no family so presumably it's going to be largely work colleagues there - why would they care who turns up?
Your line manager needs to get over herself.
I wouldn't donate a fiver either for someone I didn't like. People don't start being nice just because they have died.

SecretSmellies · 17/11/2017 11:52

God I'd like to see the 'you have to go and lose pay / use your annual leave' scenario be tested in court.

Ellendegeneres · 17/11/2017 11:54

Utterly ridiculous!
No way would I go. They can't do anything to make you. Paying respects is for those you love and respected, not those who were horrible and you had no positive relationship with.

To expect you to use precious leave on it as well is taking the piss.

ohfourfoxache · 17/11/2017 11:55

Fuck that.

There is no way I’d be going. Especially if you have to lose either leave or pay.

Could everyone club together with their £5 for a letter from a solicitor? Might stop your manager taking the piss in the future..... Wink

littlebird77 · 17/11/2017 11:59

Tell them you can't go end of. You don't 'do' funerals. They can't force you to go, you are not ten years old.

Sad he was so young and died under such difficult circumstances though.

NoSquirrels · 17/11/2017 12:00

If attendance is compulsory then they pay you & no loss of holiday. In these circumstances I'd go but not be impressed. tbh.

In the circumstances you outline, I'd certainly NOT go. No way I'd inconvenience myself losing pay or holiday for someone I'd actively avoid if I hadn't been forced to work with them.

Also, donations should be transparent (donating to what cause) and voluntary. I'd expect the company to pay to send flowers to a funeral, frankly. Donate your £5 to a feminist cause or local paramedics instead!

BarbarianMum · 17/11/2017 12:00

I lost a colleague to a heart attack at a similarly young age. He was a good guy. A few of us went to the funeral to represent the company, others went as friends (all on work time) and work sent a card/donation in lieu of flowers.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/11/2017 12:00

I wouldn't go, no.
One thing I would make CRYSTAL clear is that if you were to go, it would be on the understanding that you had been REQUESTED to go by work. As such, you would expect to go on work time. Not work time = not work business.

They can't actually make you go at all. But they CERTAINLY can't ask that you go for their sake and then take your own time to do it!

RaspberryOverload · 17/11/2017 12:01

No way would I useleave or lose pay for someone I didn't like. If they insist, they give paid time for it.

I wouldn't add to the collection, either.

hotbutteredcrumpetsandtea · 17/11/2017 12:01

Go, don't go, whatever.

But writing a damning critique of someone online within days of their sudden death? Really?
How classy.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/11/2017 12:03

Stick to your guns.
You should not have to go especially if they aren't paying you.
Just go to work as normal.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/11/2017 12:04

If they keep insisting, tell them you will be getting advice from ACAS.

MissEliza · 17/11/2017 12:05

You shouldn’t be using your annual leave but how horrible of you to right like that about someone who has just died. How sad that he died at 45 with no wife or kids. I don’t care how horrible he was when he was alive. That’s very sad. If you can’t say anything nice......