To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

Don't be daft, Emmas. How the hell is it outing?

Ernmas, I mean.

It isn't essential to discuss it with your colleagues, just say no, you won't be attending, you'll be working, don't explain how you couldn't stand the man, just keep it brief and professional.

That’s awful - you can’t forxe people to attend a funeral. Apart from anything else, he will no doubt have some family - at his age, I expect his parents are still alive, possibly siblings etc - how will it make them feel if they realise half the people there don’t want to be there?! Both the funerals I’ve attended were filled by people who loved the deceased, it would have been heartbreaking to realise that some of them hadn’t wanted to be there at all. It’s terribly insensitive of your manager to suggest it (and I’d consider making that argument).

It’s sad that such a young man passed away, but you can’t suddenly force yourself to like someone you genuinely didn’t. And although it’s not ‘nice’ to speak ill of the departed, you wouldn’t need to be saying all this if your manager wasn’t trying to impose this upon you.

What I don't understand is why they're so keen to everyone to attend ... I can just about see a few representatives to show willing, but the whole lot? It's not even as if it's a tiny company where everyone's very close and might be expected to go

And whatever he was like makes no difference; there's no compulsion to attend a funeral so just tell them you won't be there and that's that

And I am not being horrible FFS. Just honest. I couldn't stand the man, he was an utter git, he was nasty to me and others, and him being dead doesn't change that!

So come on you (few) people saying 'fancy saying nasty shit online.' Tell me who he is. Tell me where he is from - and where I am from!

@Ernmas Why is it outing?

As I said, if it is so outing, tell me who he is, and who I am???

Where are him and me from?

Oh everyone stop hoicking up the hypocrite pants.

OP set the scene to explain why she feels as strongly as she does.

He sounds like a genuinely unpleasant character, and that's relevant, as quite rightly if OP were simply going 'Wtf LOL why should I go, I didn't even know him' then folk would quite rightly say go, have some respect.

But it isn't that - she feels strongly that to go would be hypocritical given the strength of her feelings and prior interaction with him.

Obviously don't go. Obviously.

But this is a nasty post. You've identified his age and how he died (relatively rare) and you've given him a complete character assassination. There was no need for it.

You could have just explained the work situation and said "I deeply disliked the man".

I wouldn’t go to a funeral to pay my respects to someone I couldn’t stand when they were alive - especially if I was expected to sacrifice my pay or holiday entitlement to do so.

Say no more about it OP. Just turn up for work on the day. Nobody can force you to go to a funeral.

Thanks @Spudlet.

As I said, most people are seeing sense. Maybe I should just ignore the troublemakers and stirrers others !!!

@Lovesontap

Nasty post! Give over FFS.

I am answering no more posts like this.

If it's a work event, you shouldn't have to lose pay or use annual leave.

And, seriously, does your manager or whoever has decreed this actually thought about it? Were you all expected to go to the wake? Who was going to have to pay for all that extra food? I presume someone is going to have to pick up the bill for a bunch of people who don't want to be there and who aren't going to be mourning Steve. Nothing worse than a bunch of happy mourners.

It is essential to discuss it with my colleagues.

It really isn't. They're all capable of making up their own minds, aren't they?

I'm not making trouble, BTW; I totally agree it's fine, indeed appropriate, for you not to go. I just genuinely don't see why you need to rope other people in.

One of the paybacks about being unpleasant in life is that no one wants to go to your funeral.
If Op had written the same things the man and he was still alive people would be saying how awful he was. How has he suddenly become someone who cannot be criticised because he is dead ?

Obviously it is soon after his death - OP is asking about attending his funeral, - it is imminent, she can't exactly wait a year to say why she doesn;t want to attend.

And those getting thier knickers in a knot about writing on an anonymous forum - don't be ridiculous, it doesn't make the OP unpleasant. The man she's talking about is hardly going to be offended, unless being dead is the new 'being alive and able to hang out on Mumsnet'.

I think if I can't get other people at work on board, that I will ring in sick. Maybe the day before AND the day of the funeral. (I have not had a day off sick since 2014, so I don't feel bad.)

Wish I hadn't already said to the manager that I wasn't going.

I can’t believe the people saying you are being disrespectful OP. You are just being honest and not hypocritical. Regardless of the fact he died young and ‘had noone’, he sounded like a very unpleasant person. The fact that people are being made to go to his funeral says it all.

@KurriKurri

LOL

Genuine question, OP: why do you need to 'get other people at work on board' rather than just not going?

@LS83 Yeah I think he had no-one because he was a massively unpleasant and rude and bigoted little man God knows how his wife tolerated him for ten years!

@sarahjconnor

WTF?

Don’t go! Your manager is BU.

Not everyone who dies is a saint. I hate the faux outpouring of grief just because someone is dead. Quite a lot of people are simply nasty in life and they remain so in death.

If he has no friends / family it’s not like anybody is going to be sad he’s dead is it if they read this post?

I absolutely agree you shouldn't go, you shouldn't have to contribute to the collection, and management need to stop laying on the pressure. Ridiculous.
However, had I lost my unattached 45 yr old brother/cousin/nephew who worked in a largish office to a brain embolism on Monday, I'd probably not need to hear how much his workmates detested him. TMI.

Stick to your guns OP. Your work are being ridiculous.

And ignore the posters who say you are being mean. I see no value in being hypocritical / two-faced and pretending you liked this man. In fact if I was this man's family (like parent I mean, I know you said he had no wife or kids) or friend then I'd actually find it more disrespectful to having people showing up to the funeral who didn't even care about or like him, so I think you're doing the right thing by not going.

Nothing wrong at all with OP saying this man was a piece of shit. It's not identifying in the least - we don't even know what part of the country she lives/works in. And nasty middle-aged men do sometimes die suddenly - it's not like she's describing a newsworthy death that could make her/him identifiable.

And I agree it is unacceptable for employers to demand you use annual leave to attend a funeral, and you would be quite right to a) stand your ground and b) mention to your colleagues that you will not be attending.