To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

Either go along with the line ‘I don’t think I’ll hold myself together at the funeral, I would prefer to solider on at work to keep my mind busy’
Or
‘As sad as I am about the sudden passing of Steve, I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to go’ (don’t do an eyebrow wiggle, this could be mistaken for you and Steve being a bit more )

Just what I was thinking hot buttered. Very dismal that you are speaking so ill of a person who has passed away in terrible circumstances.

Wow, so the general consensus is that I should not have to go, and no-one else here would either.

I am shocked, but pleased. I thought you would all say 'you heartless cow!' But tbh. I cannot be a hypocrite. I couldn't stand the man.

As I say, a few others do not want to go either, so as someone said, if we all refused to go, then there isn't a lot they can

Not sure they can do anything anyway! But I was just putting the feelers out to see how people felt.

Cheers everyone. Need to plan my next move now. Maybe talk to the handful of people I have already spoken to who have no wish to go.

@MissEliza and @mabel. I am no hypocrite. You feel free to 'fake mourn' peopIe if you want, but I am not going to sugar coat it, he was a deeply unpleasant man.

And I have no intention of pretending to mourn him.

no she is not Mabel
wind your neck in

Wtf Mabel !
At the very least attending would be hypocritical- don't go op. I would refuse to go too.
It's sad, but hardly surprising, he apparently has no friends.

Death does not elevate people to sainthood, IMO.

As far as I can see, the OP was explaining exactly why she felt it was completely inappropriate for her to go to the funeral. Her feelings about him are valid, and what is NOT valid is the pressure she is subject to. Okay, so it is terribly sad for whoever was close to this man that he has died, her frustration at the treatment dished out by her work is pretty clear.

She might have given more details than perhaps is 'nice' but that was to provide context for her reaction as far as I can see.

OP, you don't sound unpleasant at all to me - I really dislike hypocrisy and don't really understand why it seems to be regarded as a virtue when it relates to someone who has died.

Also, YANBU. Your manager cannot force you to take leave to attend a funeral. And I really don't see how it would look terrible - surely it makes more sense to have some people from the department going and the rest keeping the actual department running.

I don't think you should go. Your work can't make you take leave to attend a funeral, but most importantly, from what you say, he actually didn't like you and attending actually would be a bit disrespectful of who he was. I wouldn't like my funeral to be attended by people with whom I shared a mutual dislike.

Need to plan my next move now. Maybe talk to the handful of people I have already spoken to who have no wish to go.

Sorry but that sounds like stirring to me. You don't need to get more people to say they don't want to go. You just need to say firmly but politely that YOU are not attending, and not enter into further discussion about it. If you are concerned about losing pay (but it doesn't sound like you would) then speak to HR.

Thanks Annette and Tiddly and secrets, badtime and muggins. At least the majority of people here are seeing sense.

I was expecting at least a few responses like this. (you're sooo nasty!) But then again, I am not someone who is going to turn up to a funeral of someone who I had nothing to do with, who was deeply unpleasant, and who was very rude to a lot of people, and pretend I liked him,. Even if those couple of posters above would do that.

I think as a whole group don't want to go, just be honest but also if they end up saying you have to go, that's a work event, so you shouldn't lose pay.

Have the company decided to go because there won't be anyone else there and some bleeding heart couldn't bear that idea?

some of you could pull the line about the office needing to be attended?

the poster saying "Very dismal that you are speaking so ill of a person who has passed away in terrible circumstances."

what terrible circumstances - it sounds like it might have been quite a quick death, which I think most of us would be relieved about! A horrible man who no one liked has died. I think it's quite hypocritical to say "never speak ill of the dead" if you were quite clear on your views before they died. Do people say this because they think they'll be haunted or something?!

Of course you don't have to go, you can make your own decision on that. However slating someone who has died unexpectedly in awful circumstances on a public forum is not nice and unnecessary.

No it's not stirring at ALL Rhiannon. Not when we are all expected to use holiday leave to go to a funeral we have no wish to attend.

Agree with the majority. I would get a united front and go above her.

It is essential to discuss it with my colleagues.

I would say to your boss, "I am AMAZED you think we should go, given the things he said about you."

LOL at @RosaTheOwl

I do wonder why people decide to mourn the death of someone they loathed when they were alive.

Don't go. There's no way your company can force you to.

But I agree in that you didn't have to be so horrible about him online. He may have had some friends or family that cared about him; you can't know everything. All you had to say in your post is that you did not get on with him at all and feel it would be hypocritical to attend his funeral.

LOL @MybrilliantDisguise

LOL at the comments about being so horrible online. Give over. Nobody knows who he is. I will give £1000 to ANYone who can figure out who this man is!

Are you in a union OP? I'm sure the union rep would have something to say about them trying to force you to use your annual leave for this.

This is so outing.