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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

379 replies

Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 11:44

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either. Confused

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

OP posts:
Ilovelblue · 17/11/2017 12:35

I have been to two funerals of work colleagues and both times it was because I wanted to go. The first one was done in my own time (we had flexitime so it was quite easy) and the second one I was given the time off. We did collections for both and in each case, the money was donated to a charity. The company itself provided the flowers.

I can't imagine our entire department would have been allowed to go anyway, even if they had all wanted to do so - does somebody not need to stay behind to hold the fort?

It's honourable that the company want to send representatives to his funeral, regardless of what sort of man he was in life, but I think it is completely over the top to expect everyone to go and as for taking it unpaid/using holidays that is bang out of order in my view.

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 12:36

However, had I lost my unattached 45 yr old brother/cousin/nephew who worked in a largish office to a brain embolism on Monday, I'd probably not need to hear how much his workmates detested him. TMI.

EXACTLY@blackpeppercorn ... SO why should loads of people who couldn't stand this man, go to his funeral? Confused

OP posts:
Frege · 17/11/2017 12:37

I wouldn't go. However, I absolutely wouldn't try to get other people to join you- it's entirely for them to decide. I'd also ask MN to delete some of the detail in your first post- not necessary and potentially outing.

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 12:37

My lunch break is over now. I best shoot off.

Thanks for all the posts. May pop back later. Smile

OP posts:
niknac1 · 17/11/2017 12:38

The half days wage or annual leave is meant to pay for your life, most people don’t go to work just to pass the time of day , it’s to pay the bills, food etc. I remember when taking a day off on strike for better conditions meant I wouldn’t be able to pay for everything that month.

I also think donations are voluntary, your company should send a representative and a company donation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/11/2017 12:38

I think if I can't get other people at work on board, that I will ring in sick

I really, really wouldn't do that; why put yourself in the wrong when all you've done is make a perfectly reasonable decision?

TBH I think there's far more being made of this than there needs to be. It's a funeral ... there's no obligation to go ... you don't want to go ... so don't

Job done Wink

HolyShet · 17/11/2017 12:39

How dreadfully sad to die like that, after being so unhappy, at only 45.

I'd give the fiver.

Your manager probably just doesn't want to be there alone.

Protocol surely would be for close colleague to attend on work time, if they wished, if it is about representing the workplace.

RhiannonOHara · 17/11/2017 12:39

Puzzled, that's what I'm getting at. Why not just not go, end of? Why rope in colleagues? Or ring in sick under false pretences? (and who would you ring in sick TO if everyone is going to be out at the funeral anyway? Confused)

JustDanceAddict · 17/11/2017 12:40

Why do you have to go to a funeral of someone you disliked? Doesn’t make sense. Agree with the person who said if work has requested you go, why do you have to take holiday?

WeAllHaveWings · 17/11/2017 12:41

Someone has died, it is not the time for getting other people on board etc. Do not get involved with other people decisions or any immature pack mentality. You don’t need to lay it on thick how much you hated the guy it’s irrelevant.

Simply say, you weren’t close so you will not be attending and leave others to their own decisions. If anyone asks if you are going again say no we weren’t close and leave it at that, you don’t need get people with you, that distasteful.

It is appropriate for your workplace to send a company representative or two out of respect, but they are usually line manager and HR.

Sarahjconnor · 17/11/2017 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Polarbearflavour · 17/11/2017 12:45

If you want people to willingly go to your funeral then don’t be a prick. Simple.

LagunaBubbles · 17/11/2017 12:45

And you are a deeply unpleasant person

Oh give over with this and all the posts about OP being nasty. No she was honest and it was to set the scene about not wanting to go to his funeral. If it was someone nice then I imagine it would be different. But this person wasnt nice. To call someone unpleasant just because they are not being hypocritical and pretending they care whether this person died or not is a bit much. How horrible someone was when they were alive doesnt just disappear because they've died.

WatchingFromTheWings · 17/11/2017 12:45

I’d just turn up to work as normal tbh. Why should you lose money for a funeral you have no interest in attending? I’d certainly not phone in sick as that would be far too obvious.

whiskyowl · 17/11/2017 12:46

I am torn.

Recently, I didn't attend the funeral of an ex-colleague. He died very young, leaving two children. But he was a bully, a bigot, and a toady to an even bigger piece of shit manager who used to rank all the women in the office out of 10, and who used the n-word in the office. He was a real part of making my life thoroughly horrible, stoked all kinds of negative drama and was thoroughly unpleasant. He lived not too far from me, and I used to dread possibly bumping into him when I was out, and to be honest when he died all I could think was what a relief it was to be freed of that fear. To be honest, I still get the feeling at least every fortnight that I've seen him (he had a common 'look' for my area of the country), and I then repeatedly have this moment of fear and then relief that it's not actually him, because he's dead. It makes me feel like an awful person each time. I am having counselling and apparently this is not uncommon as a PTSD reaction.

However, I'd left the job for some years, so I no longer had relationships in the office to support. Had I still worked there I would almost certainly have felt obligated to go, not so much for the guy but to support colleagues/the guy's family. Whether that would have made me a hypocrite, or someone just trying to make the the most supportive and collective choice in conflicted circumstances, I'm not sure. Maybe a bit of both?

AmeliaFlashtart · 17/11/2017 12:46

No don't go. I work in a large place/open plan offices. People I know have died but I only go to the funerals of those I liked/respected. I've actually been quite ecstatic (quietly) when one horrible former manager croaked.

TheMerryWidow1 · 17/11/2017 12:46

just don't go, they can't make you and you don't need a reason. I also wouldn't go off sick that will be so obvious after you had mentioned to your boss you don't want to go. You will land yourself in hot water then.

Mia1415 · 17/11/2017 12:47

It is your choice whether to go or not and management can't force you (especially as it is unpaid!).

However please DO NOT try and influence your colleagues decisions. By all means say you are not going if they ask you. But it isn't morally right to influence their personal decision about whether they go to the funeral and becoming the office troublemaker isn't a good idea either.

Plus as you have already told your manager you are not going, phoning in sick is an incredibly bad idea!

eternalopt · 17/11/2017 12:47

I had exactly the same thing not so long ago. A generally disliked colleague died and suddenly it was "so which car are you going in to the funeral". Um, I'm not going! He didn't deserve to die and the circumstances were utterly tragic, but I couldn't pretend I liked him and I decided it was more disrespectful to turn up and be in a room full of people who were genuinely sad and who would genuinely miss him when, rightly or wrongly, I didn't have many nice things to say about him when he was alive (and I'm not kidding myself that the feeling wasn't pretty mutual!). Just felt too fake. Not going to the funeral doesn't mean you wished him dead. Just means that you've decided there are people better suited to mourning him than you.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 17/11/2017 12:47

I feel rather sorry for this man, precisely because of his habitual unpleasantness. He lived a relatively short life and behaved in a way that caused many of those he met to dislike him.

Why was he such a misanthrope? Could he really have changed or was he stuck in that groove?

I don’t think you should go to the funeral, nor should anyone else who is not mourning his death, but I hope he does have some family and friends who will shed a few genuine tears for him.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2017 12:51

If your manager feels so strongly about this, she should go as a representative of the workplace, taking a floral tribute bought with any (voluntary) contributions given. They are worth the money. The rabbits at the crew eat them when they are in the Garden of Remembrance.

I wouldn't go either - but I can't help but feel sorry for him. What a miserable life he made for himself.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/11/2017 12:51

*at the CREM, not crew

FFS autocorrect!

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/11/2017 12:52

I’m very surprised your workplace is forcing leave/unpaid mornings on a whole department. I mean, it’s bad business for one, and a surprisingly amount of company effort for someone who wasn’t even well liked/in a high position. Amazing quick turnaround for a funeral as well, unless he’d been unwell for a while? To suddenly die on Monday and already had the funeral arranged by today, very quick! I could be wrong on that point though.

ElephantsandTigers · 17/11/2017 12:52

If someone is reading this who knew him is pretty identifiable and I'm 100% sure they wouldn't want you there either after reading your posts.

Flowers for anyone reading this who has lost this person.

Gazelda · 17/11/2017 12:53

I’d refuse to go.
And I’d refuse to contribute to the collection unless it were announced that the proceeds were being given to an appropriate charity.
No one becomes likeable just because they died.
However, I do agree with other posters that the vitriol in your posts is unnecessary and disrespectful. in your opinion he was an awful man. But how do you know that other people don’t have a very different opinion of him? He may foster stray dogs, give all his cash to homeless, have suffered horrible abuse as a child ...
Or even if he was an out and out dreadful man, why did you feel it necessary to assassinate his character so awfully?
How will you feel if a relative reads this and identifies him? Or if the daily mail pick it up?