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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

379 replies

Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 11:44

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either. Confused

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

OP posts:
Clovertoast · 17/11/2017 13:46

Count down to Daily Fail linking to this in 10.....9....8......

CoxxoC · 17/11/2017 13:47

That's ridiculous - I wouldn't go either.

At my place of work only staff who were particularly close to the deceased and a member of senior staff would go to a funeral (and we are not expected to lose pay/take it as holiday).

Collection is odd too - what is it for? The chosen charity? Help his parents with funeral expenses? Most funerals only have family flowers these days.

I hope you have changed some information in your OP - otherwise it is quite identifying for the deceased and I can't imagine that his parents/siblings etc would like to read this thread.

Mia1415 · 17/11/2017 13:47

And even if it is identifying - so what?

I can't believe I've just read this.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 17/11/2017 13:50

It does seem a bit distasteful to be bitching about a colleague that has died well before his time, 45 is too young to die.

Presumably he didn’t come into this world a nasty miserable baby, and Instead was a product of his life experiences, like we all are for better or worse .

Have you also considered that what killed him may also been having an impact on his personality, brain problems can cause personality changes.
You are fully entitled to not like the guy, and no one should be forcing you to go to the funeral, but it is not hypocritical to acknowledge and show your respects to a fellow human being that has passed prematurely. Respect doesn’t mean fake crying, its just acknowledging that underneath it all he was still a human being - maybe a bit fucked up, but still a human being.

IrenetheQuaint · 17/11/2017 13:52

Speak to HR - in a company of 150 people presumably you have a couple of HR staff. They will surely confirm that you can't be made to take half a day's leave or lose pay to attend a colleague's funeral.

Then turn up at work as normal.

PiffleandWiffle · 17/11/2017 13:54

I can't believe I've just read this.

Believe it.

So come on then. Hit me with the horrifying consequences & chain of events that follow on from someone (who probably knew already) finding out that Grumpy Uncle Dave was thought to be a bit of a twat by someone on an anonymous forum who doesn't want to waste half a days leave to travel (at their own cost) to his funeral....

Mumsnet seems to have little foibles that instantly generate mild hysteria - "Identifying Posts" and "dogs eating chocolate" are the 2 that spring to mind today....

Polarbearflavour · 17/11/2017 13:59

Oh dear. So many PC he was a human being too / lovey dicey posts. Confused

Some people are dicks. They die. Should the OP be wearing sackcloth and ashes?

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 13:59

To the ones who are saying it's so identifying, go on then, tell me who this man is, what company it is, and where I am from. Go on.

If you can't do this, then please do shut up going on about it! Hmm

As for the daily mail will pick this up comments..... it's like a few people are WILLING this to happen.

I bet a couple of people have already contacted them about it.

Am I bovvered?

No.

OP posts:
Polarbearflavour · 17/11/2017 14:01

I like you Jilly! Smile

Original poster
Jilly12345 · 17/11/2017 14:03

@Polarbear

Blush Grin

OP posts:
Jerseysilkvelour · 17/11/2017 14:06

I love how going to the funeral is so compulsory that you have to take leave or be unpaid. If it's a compulsory work activity you would be getting paid for it.

In your shoes I wouldn't go either. There have been occasions at my work when people in the office have died and those close to them have been allowed special leave to go to the funeral, which I thought was good because it can support colleagues coming to terms with it. But no one else was forced to go!

Stick to your guns

PiffleandWiffle · 17/11/2017 14:09

As for the daily mail will pick this up comments

And even if they did, what would the "headline" be?

"Woman didn't like work colleague so doesn't want to go to funeral - Shocker"

The papers will just fly off the shelves.... Grin

PiffleandWiffle · 17/11/2017 14:10

I think a few people on here are arseholes at work & are now worrying that there'll be zero attendance when they pop their clogs....

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 17/11/2017 14:10

EdmundCleverClogs, it’s not necessarily that quick. I arranged my Mum’s funeral the afternoon she died. We went from the hospital to the funeral director.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 17/11/2017 14:12

Squarerouteofsquirrel I agree with you.

AshleySilver · 17/11/2017 14:15

I'll be looking out for this story in the Mail Hmm

I wouldn't be going either. How can your manger argue that attending a funeral is part of your work role? I doubt it's in your job description.

One of my colleagues died recently. Our management have circulated details of the funeral and said to let your line manger know if you plan to attend. That's it. No mention of taking annual leave.

LivLemler · 17/11/2017 14:16

If details haven't been changed, it's extremely likely someone who knows this man (directly or indirectly) will read it and recognise him. The news of his sudden death at a young age will have travelled and heard by many. OP, you should just hope it's seen by someone who's several degrees of separation removed, and not someone in the family or someone who will gossip about it.

I guess if enough details have been changed, you may get away with it.

Here, (NI) it would be absolutely the done thing for the whole department to go to the funeral, assuming that wouldn't mean shutting down an essential service. Although I absolutely agree it shouldn't be compulsory and you certainly shouldn't be made to use leave.

It is extremely poor form to post in such a way about someone who is recently deceased. Of course you don't have to like him, but is there really no part of you that sees how sad it is that someone has died at 45, with no warning, possibly alone, and having been unhappy in life as well. Being sad about that certainly wouldn't make you a hypocrite.

AshleySilver · 17/11/2017 14:20

Being sad about that certainly wouldn't make you a hypocrite.

But the OP is not sad about it. If she lied and pretended to be sad when she did not feel that way, THEN she would be a hypocrite.

EdmundCleverClogs · 17/11/2017 14:23

PinkSparklyPussyCat I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t claim to be an expert on the matter, just musing that a sudden death like a brain embolism (or assuming sudden) would take more time to both have a post mortem and arrange a funeral. I’m not an expert though, apologies.

Polarbearflavour · 17/11/2017 14:36

Why would OP think it sad that a man who was a nasty piece of work died alone? People make their own choices in life to be dicks.

SilverSpot · 17/11/2017 14:46

It is extremely poor form to post in such a way about someone who is recently deceased.

He wasn't a nicer person to work with. He died. He doesn't get to become remembered as a nice person just cos he died. Nasty people die as well as nice people.

LivLemler · 17/11/2017 14:51

But she could have simply posted "A colleague has died suddenly. We are expected to go to the funeral, and to use annual leave to do so. To be honest, colleague and I didn't get along and I'd feel a bit hypocritical going - I usually only go to the funerals of people I was close to. AIBU to think that my employer shouldn't be forcing me to go, or to use annual leave to do so?"

To post as OP did was completely unnecessary. Why slag off someone who has just died when you don't need to do so to explain your dilemma. Just bad form and not exactly classy.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/11/2017 14:55

Have you also considered that what killed him may also been having an impact on his personality, brain problems can cause personality changes.

FFS. There is no person so badly behaved that posting about it on mumsnet doesn't bring forth some sanctimonious person saying we must make excuses in case the badly-behaved person had SN.

You know what? Most arses don't have SN. And most SN people aren't arses. And having SN doesn't mean you are doomed to be an arse. In fact, it's bloody ableist to assume an arse is an arse because they have SN.

Squarerouteofsquirrel · 17/11/2017 14:56

silverspot are you familar with the expression ‘if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all’ I would say on this occasion that expression applies.

No one is asking the op to go about singing his praises, but to show respect as in stop bitching about a recently deceased colleague.

TemptressofWaikiki · 17/11/2017 14:57

To those sanctimonious and obnoxious posters berating the OP, hope you mourned for Jimmy Savile… You know because once dead, obviously hypocrisy rules supreme for you!

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