To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

A few years ago there was a man who went out of his way to try and harm my DH. He spread false rumours and tried to get DH kicked out of a social club he had belonged to for 35 years. The reasons were small-village political..... DH was standing for election for something against this man's friend. It all got pretty vicious and nasty- as village politics can.

He died. We did not go to the funeral, which because of the nature of the little social circle we lived in we might have been expected to. But, we thought it was the height of hypocrisy. So, we sent a card to his widow, in acknowledgement of her loss, but we did not go to the funeral and when people asked us why we said simply that given our relationship to the person it was not appropriate for us to attend.

You can feel sorry for the people who lose a loved one- but still refuse to go.

Jilly12345 this is totally outing I am afraid !!
ESPECIALLY if -when-- the Daily Fail get hold of it !
This is exactly the kind of stuff they like !

And if you had just lost someone age 45 with all the other matching details you have given out it wouldn't be hard to figure out now would it

Just decline, they don't have to make you go and there is no need for all of this.

Don't try to get others to not go too!

Just go back to your boss and say that you've thought further but for your own personal reasons (which you would rather not go into), you won't be attending his funeral. You will be in work as normal, however if she's insisting you take the morning off, you won't be at the funeral.

Trying to get a gang of you to refuse to go is petty. This isn't a group issue, you don't want to attend his funeral, so won't do. What everyone else does is their business.

Well, tbh given the OP is sure it can't be outing then I would assume that like most of us do on here, she has changed the identifying details while the essence remains the same.

Well if you didn't like him when he was alive. You're not going to start liking him and mourning him now he's dead, so YANBU.

However one thing I will say is. I'd say an eternal rest for his soul, and pray for his family. If he has any
This is a 45 year old man who has passed suddenly. Regardless of liking or not likng him. You've got to have a bit a respect

Fair point Secret

I completely agree that you shouldn’t be forced to go to the funeral. However I think you are coming across pretty badly on this thread with all the snarking and ‘LOL’ing. People are allowed to disagree with what you’re saying.

Also, can I say that that around 10,000 people die every week in the UK. It's not THAT identifiable from the OP's description. There will, sadly, be several unattached 40-somethings who have passed in the last few days.

I had an interesting situation recently where I posted about the death of a mother of a friend, and someone PMed me to say that they knew who I was talking about! It was actually two totally different people, in different parts of the country. We all assume that death is far less common than it actually is - perhaps that's self-protective!

Stick to your guns op.

Ignore the people shouting about you being nasty.

What your manager is asking is really inappropriate. Call HR or acas if you want a bit of backup. For gods sake don't ring in sick.

RhiannonOHara, surely it's obvious why OP wants to rope in her colleagues. It's safety in numbers. It's because a number of compaints holds far more weight than a lone voice, and it's much "safer" to get back up when dealing with employers than to make a protest alone. I don't blame her one bit for not wanting to go to the funeral, or for not wanting to be the lone dissenter. They've already said they don't want to go either, but I suspect they will because they won't have the guts to stick by their principles.

Oh and there could be cultural issues why your boss thinks the whole team rather than just one or two representatives should go. I know in many European countries it's perfectly normal for everyone who's got even the most tenuous link to the deceased to go to the funeral - and of course you would go to the funeral of someone you don't like, you'd met them!

Just repeat that you won't go. Be professional, trying to whip up a rebellion is not professional and seems foolish to let this man fuck your work reputation from the grave. Quietly say you won't attend, no discussion, personal reasons, as it's in your "own time" then they don't have a right to know what those are.

Of course you don’t have to attend his funeral, that’s ridiculous.
But you are coming across as very ‘dancing on his grave’ which is awful really, even if he was unpleasant.
A dignified silence is always the way to go in matters like this.
Speak privately to your manager.

”I think if I can't get other people at work on board, that I will ring in sick.”

Why would you do that?

Just go to work! You’ve told your manager you’re not going to the funeral, just go to work and do your job. No need for drama or “getting people on board”. Just carry on as normal. If anyone asks you whether you are going tell them, but otherwise leave the subject alone, surely?

Funerals are not compulsory. There could be hundred different reasons why you do not want to go.

Whatever your relationship with the person who has died you are not obliged to go, ever.

I know in many European countries it's perfectly normal for everyone who's got even the most tenuous link to the deceased to go to the funeral - and of course you would go to the funeral of someone you don't like, you'd met them!

Even if it means shutting down a company’s whole department for hours and apparently forcing staff to take leave (possibly unpaid)? What an unusual practice, considering how many people die each day, attending the funerals of people you have the most tenuous links to must take up a lot of time/effort/unpaid leave. I could understand a small business doing such a thing, but larger ones surely just send representatives/anyone who might have cared for that person in the workplace?

YANBU!

You would be hypocritical to go, and why should you use holiday time? So you’re absolutely right, OP. Also, 30 odd people from one office is a lot! We had a v popular colleague who died suddenly. She was lovely. The managers were very sensitive about who represented the office, and in the end those closest went along in office time to the funeral and wake. It wasn’t actually appropriate for 50 of us to pile into the service and then turn up for food. I’m not clear why the manager thinks that’s okay in this instance!

Haven’t read THT, apologies if this has already been said, but what I cannot work out is the manager’s reasoning. How would the relatives even know if not everyone from the office had turned up? It’s not like there’s a list which the relatives will be ticking off!

Stick to your decision, OP, the manager is being inappropriate and disrespectful to you and the deceased (and his family).

Just email HR and your boss and her boss saying your going to come into work as normal on the day of the funeral and let others who were close to him pay their respects instead. Don’t fight other people’s corners though. Just opt out yourself

Absolutely ridiculous to try and force you and your colleagues to go, and to use your own leave-wtaf?! Don't put yourself in the wrong by calling in sick, just tell your manager and anyone else when it comes up in conversation that you weren't friends and aren't going because it's inappropriate. There is no way there is any kind of disciplinary comeback - only potentialally for the manager trying to make you go. And don't give any money without a clear explanation of where it is being spent.

HOWEVER...I agree with others that you have given too much detail and anyone who knew this man is definitely going to have more than a strong suspicion about who you are discussing. For that reason I do think you should request to edit the OP.

Good luck resolving a thoroughly unpleasant situation.

Yanbu not to go
However you YABU for the personal details given in the post
I also think it's fine not to like someone but no need for the nastiness

I think the OP is being given a hard time. She would not be posting at all if she wasn't being strong-armed into spending a lot of money and time "mourning" a man who was actively unpleasant to her.

If I was this man's relative, even if I loved him regardless of what he was like, i'd be horrified at the idea of his work colleagues being forced to mourn him. That isn't the way to make people think kindly of him after his death, however untimely that death was.

OP - don't go., and just turn up to work as normal. If they try to discipline you for not taking holiday time then they've got a cracking case for a tribunal on their hands.

He was an obnoxious arsehole when he was alive, now he's a dead obnoxious arsehole.

The only thing that has changed is his state of being, not sure why some people on here seem to think that this immediately elevates him to sainthood .

Work cannot make you attend a funeral or indeed contribute to a collection. Stick to your guns on this - if they decided to close the office so they can attend then that's their outlook, otherwise just turn up & do your job as usual.....

And his relatives will know what he was like if they were close and will know that people are "faking" concern by attending.

And if they weren't close they won't give a shiny shit if anyone from his office is there!!!

Op of course this is identifying, you have given far more details about this guy than necessary. We have his age, when he died and when his funeral is, cause of death, length of marriage and when he separated, how many floors are in his office/his rank. how many are in his dept. If someone who knows this guy read this then of course they would immediately know it is about him.

Don't go to the funeral. Do not rope in colleagues, let them make their own decisions. Stop posting about this guy online.

It is ridiculous of your work to expect you to go and lose pay!!!

Op of course this is identifying

Maybe, but realistically what difference does it make? Believe it or not, most people aren't on Mumsnet, and of the proportion that are not all go on AIBU.

And even if it is identifying - so what?