To not go to a funeral of a colleague I disliked/who was unpleasant/who I had nothing to do with.

[Jilly12345]

So I work in a place that has 5 floors, and 150 people. One guy from my department- I will call him Steve (who was lower management) has always been a curmudgeon, and a right old misery. Whenever I asked him for anything that I needed, he huffed and puffed and said for fuck's sake! under his breath. He was very rude to people, especially women, and could never understand why WOMEN were in higher positions than him.

He was often passed over for promotion, because of his attitude, and was disgusted when a woman 10 years younger than him, rose above him in rank. (This was last year.) After that, he did everything he could to make life hard for her.

His wife left him 7 years ago (after tolerating him for 10 years,) and he has been alone since. A miserable, bitter, angry little man.

So on Monday, he died. A brain embolism. The funeral is next Friday. Everyone is being asked to give to a collection (don't know why - or who it's going to - as he had no wife or kids,) and to give a fiver each. Maybe it's for flowers. F knows. Also, everyone in our department is expected to go. (35 people.)

I am not a hypocrite, I couldn't stand the man, and have no wish to mourn him. He barely spoke to me, he was rude, he was a misogynist, and he was a bigot. I have told my line manager today that I am not going. She has gone batshit, and said I cannot refuse to go as that would look TERRIBLE.

Hilariously we are all expected to use half a day's leave or lose the morning's pay to attend the funeral. I have spoken to several colleagues of mine since speaking to her, and they don't want to go either.

What can I do? Why should I go, when I couldn't stand him, he was a miserable git, and we rarely spoke?

blodpod * perhaps the op could have posted her question in the work section of the site then. Instead of AIBU which is obviously going to illicit a range of responses on such an emotive topic.

I’m also wondering why the op had not reported (a ticklist of things guaranteed to get mn’s support ) this sexist, racist, bigoted man to her employer prior to his early demise. If she’s such a champion of women’s rights (even though she’s calling women bitches a couple of posts above)

Finally, do real people even use Catherine Tate references anymore, all quite suspect.

Grandma, can you point me to the OP’s post where she’s calling women bitches? The time/page would be great because I genuinely can’t find it despite going back through her posts again.

This reminds me of a Not The Nine O’clock News sketch.

YouTube link here

She didn't call anyone bitches

I think Blod the problem is that

(A) death is a very emotive topic
(B) a few people expressed concern at her language around the deceased in pretty gentle terms and got lambasted with 'bovvered'

And the below are some of the terms she used to describe people who pulled her up on her language

Trouble makers
Stirrers
Chatting shit
Bollock
Baiters
Ignoring the precious pearl-clutching snowflakes on this thread, trying to stir the pot and baiting.

So I think that's why people got upset ! It's Aibu and in general we are allowed to disagree with a posters way of speaking without getting fucking slated !!!

It's got fuck all the do with the funeral now

So to be clear, all the things she’s been accused of she didn’t do?

As I said earlier she just got attacked. One person started and the rest followed.

Fuck knows I've lost track

I just wanted to respond as in general I try NOT to be an arsehole in here and get into fights . It's not cool

But I took umbrage at the terms used to describe my opinion and that's all I can say . and it's a complete waste of time as with all Aibu debates as no one reallly listens anyway

As I said earlier she just got attacked. One person started and the rest followed.

Yes, Blod, posters must be allowed to attack the OP, but how dare she 'slate' posters!

Hypocrisy at its finest.

I dont see it like that blod . She used some fairly scathing terms that I posted earlier and I think people collectively reacted to the terms she used

Some people posted very gently actually
well about 3

Let's agree to disagree shall we ?

You seem just as unpleasant as your colleague that has passed away OP. Maybe the reason you two didn't get along was because you were both so similar in your lack of empathy and care for others.

I think we will have to agree to disagree, I do agree that at times some are not as eloquent as others but in fact I think the OP handled some of the attacks far more calmly than I could of done. She however, did not accuse people of doing things they haven’t. She on the other hand has been accused of 3 separate things (screaming and shouting, telling people to fuck off and calling women bitches). All of which we’ve all now concluded and proved she didn’t do. Whether this is AIBU and raising emotive reactions that’s just pure bullying. And unacceptable behaviour.

I'd love to know if the employer really has enforced all staff to attend even if against their will, when the late employee was known to be unpleasant.

Would an employer really do that? (I've never in all my years at work been told I have to attend a funeral and use my AL to do it.). Or maybe the OP is embellishing truth a teensy little bit to make this AIBU thread a bit more "meaty"? ....

What is the point of suggesting that?

Either you believe the OP, in which case engage with the thread and offer your opinion/contribute to the discussion or you don't believe them and you move on.

It is utterly ridiculous to pick bits of people's posts and decide that they have been fabricated/exaggerated. If the OP isn't telling the truth, any responses wouldn't be relevant to her RL situation and the whole thread would be an exercise in futility.

How about we leave the troll-hunting to MNHQ?.

I think people just use AIBU as an excuse to go for mob mentality, real unpleasantness verging on bullying. People should be a bit kinder generally - as hopefully they would never be so nasty in real life.

Exactly Squeegle.. i never normally get involved in threads that go all mental but the bullying on this thread has been quite shocking. 3 separate accusations on this page alone of things she didn’t say or do. That then leads to yet more posters wading in with more insults because they haven’t digested the thread. All the OP was is honest with her valid opinion of ex work colleague. That’s all. It’s really upsetting to see the mob mentality at its worst.

People went at the op from the get go because she described an unpleasant man’s poor behaviour/attitudes in detail.

Cause now he’s dead that’s apparently unacceptable.

I wouldn’t go either OP. And would be happy to say why, if asked.

I don't care whether the OP has exaggerated or made the whole thing up - not that I'm accusing her of doing that, but people do.

It's an interesting topic. I find the principle that you cannot speak ill of the dead weird and in some circumstances oppressive and harmful.

Obviously, there is a time and place but apart from that, I don't see why I should forever from giving my honest opinion on someone out of some nebulous idea of respect or to avoid upsetting people who either have different memories of the person or who have processed them differently.

I wouldn't have expressed myself in the way the OP has on her thread but neither do I understand why some people are getting so exercised over someone who we don't know and may not even exist and made personal comments about her morals. I particularly like the one accusing her of lacking class

I'd love to know if the employer really has enforced all staff to attend even if against their will, when the late employee was known to be unpleasant.

I wouldn't be surprised daisychain01. People get really weird about grief, even it the dead person has nothing to do with them, as some responses on this thread illustrate.

It's happened to me twice. Both times the person wasn't my employer but was my ultimate boss. I'm sure if I'd gone to HR about it they'd have taken a dim view, but they wouldn't necessarily taken my side because, as many people don't realise, HR are on the side of the company, and these bosses were more valuable to them than me.

The first one was the person I've said in earlier posts whose long and painful death I yearn for. He imposed a compulsory £5 contribution for flowers for the dead mother of his PA, who was also extremely unpleasant. That sum was quite a bit in those days but I didn't even want to give 10p.

However, there was no possibility of getting out of this. It was a combination of his bullying, special treatment of pet workers and creepy mother love. Bit like the Kray twins.

The other one was a boss who demanded we all gave a contribution to the present of a new employee that she'd brought in from a previous place where they'd worked. There was a lot of dissent and when he heard of the plan he was horrified. It was making people hate the bloke before we'd even got to know him. He understood that even if she didn't.

Twenty years on I'm friends with him but have lost touch with her because she's tin-eared and strange. I think she just wanted us to confirm her brilliance at the new appointment.

I take your point on-Board, limited, and yes people's response to death can be strange and unpredictable.

To those who think I'm troll-hunter, I'm sorry but it sounds an extreme and draconian action of an employer that, at least in UK, need to operate to a reasonable and rational framework of decision-making. I questioned it because it seems so far fetched.

Quite frankly it seems bonkers to enforce such an expectation on their staff and will create resentment and bad feeling, which does nothing for good employee relations. Attending a funeral is a deeply personal experience to honour the deceased. What business it is of their's to force people to go against their will. Not a company I'd want to be employed by!

I don't think you're a troll hunter daisychain01 and I don't think that is a bad thing, seeing the way MN is going. I think it's very much in the spirit of the site to point out dodgy posts and sometimes MNHQ don't do that.

But I also think that sometimes some questionable posts are worth debating. I think this is one. I'm directing no bad intentions to the OP

I can believe that a section manager would be this officious and stupid. Middle managers are in a good position to impose their personal twattery on their section and get away with it unless and until someone complains. I expect this one has some deluded obsession with the workplace - and especially her department - being one big happy family and always presenting a united front, and thinks that she can make them all toe the line.

The fiver contribution and funeral attendance cannot be compulsory. They don't form part of your employment contract and any deduction from pay would be unlawful.

The fiver contribution and funeral attendance cannot be compulsory. They don't form part of your employment contract and any deduction from pay would be unlawful.

We all know that SandyY2K but unscrupulous people have ways of making your life very difficult if you don't fall into line. I doubt if they'd put their demands in writing.

That's why I think the scenario is ludicrous Sandy it's unenforceable even if they say it's mandatory, that's rubbish. Nobody could possibly get sacked over it, or bullied into attending without repercussions.

I appreciate you not seeing me as a troll hunter limited