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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non proposal and pissed off

193 replies

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:11

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 14/11/2017 07:15

BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.

Really horrible.

MrsMozart · 14/11/2017 07:17

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

ethelfleda · 14/11/2017 07:17

Maybe he is bluffing? Putting you off the scent so to speak and plans on doing it sooner?

ineedamoreadultieradult · 14/11/2017 07:17

Yanbu, if he had changed his mind he shouldn't have said anything. Sounds like he likes stringing you along.

KarmaNoMore · 14/11/2017 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Splinterz · 14/11/2017 07:19

How long have you known him? And where did you meet him? I only ask because this sounds like a second relationship and you've dipped in the PoF pool

guineapig1 · 14/11/2017 07:19

If marriage is important to you, you need to tell him that and suggest setting a date to get married. I have never understood this nonsense of waiting for a special proposal if it causing you to feel pissed off! Just have a calm and rational adult discussion about where you see the future going and how to achieve that

flowery · 14/11/2017 07:20

I don’t understand. He’s decided he wants to marry you, and has bought you a ring. But has decided he doesn’t want to know whether you will agree to marry him for another year?

How odd. And contrived.

GherkinSnatch · 14/11/2017 07:20

YANBU that’s an unbelievably cruel thing for him to say/do - almost guaranteeing your good behaviour for another year until something else puts him off the idea until the next big event.

If he wants to marry you, he will. Don’t hang around based on empty promises.

Lweji · 14/11/2017 07:20

Why is he a boyfriend and not a partner?
Do you have children together?

Whataboutmeee · 14/11/2017 07:21

Has he definitely got the ring?

Original poster
Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:23

I am not waiting for a special proposal at all actually being engaged is more important than a big ‘show’. It is a second relationship for us both but we live in the same town and met through mutual friends- no internet dating site.
He is usually lovely and notices the smallest things about me and always has my back so to speak but this just really hurt- if he changed his mind just bloody say nothing!

OP posts:
MargotsDevil · 14/11/2017 07:24

If I'm being honest being proposed to in public like that would be my worst nightmare - I genuinely can't imagine anything worse and to be honest don't really understand why people are so desperate for such a personal and private moment to happen in this way. Confused Our engagement was private over a very posh dinner and we see our wedding as the public bit.

That said - if he has a ring and has made the decision he wants to commit why can't you have an adult discussion whereby you agree to get engaged? Especially if you now know this?

SummatFishyEre · 14/11/2017 07:25

That was very cruel of him. Don't bite your tongue, tell him how he's made you feel

Whataboutmeee · 14/11/2017 07:26

Well he didnt have to do it in public. If he had the ring he could do it privately later.

pigeondujour · 14/11/2017 07:26

If he decided to himself it was too public and you'd/he'd be embarrassed so he'd wait for a few weeks, fair enough, but a) telling you about it is bizarre and unkind and b) a YEAR? No.

icelollycraving · 14/11/2017 07:26

That sounds utterly shit and you're perfectly entitled to feel upset.
That would really make me reconsider the future of the relationship.
The only reason aside from being flaky/generally unkind is if he is always very shy and the idea of a public down on one knee proposal is too much. Maybe he planned a quiet proposal and saw how much you loved the hoohah? clutching at straws

ShiftyMcGifty · 14/11/2017 07:27

Much worse than actually not saying anything. I would need to leave someone who is that vindictive and manipulating at worst and that self-cantered at best.

Sorry OP, that's one of the worst things I've read on here (in the category of shite your partner said)

Original poster
Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:28

I wasn’t hoping for a big gesture at this landmark and would prefer something intimate between us it’s just the act of telling me like this.
We discuss weddings and actually getting married all the time and just yesterday lunch time decided getting married was more important than saving for years for a fancy event.
We both have children each but none together

OP posts:
MrsExpo · 14/11/2017 07:29

Maybe he was planning to pop the question at the special place but bottled it when he saw the other couple and all the other people there. YANBU to be upset about what he said, but who knows .... other opportunities may arise before you go home.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/11/2017 07:30

Is he really that sure that you'll hang on for another year?
If he thinks proposals in public places are embarrassing, he could always propose in private. This does seem very contrived, and rather unkind.
If he doesn't want to get married to you, better you know sooner rather than later son you can move on.

Laiste · 14/11/2017 07:30

How odd.

It's like dangling a carrot.

I think i'd have to talk to him about it. I know talking about it spoils the spontaneity but tbh he's buggered that up now anyway.

KarmaNoMore · 14/11/2017 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jasminedes · 14/11/2017 07:32

Framing it in the most positive way possible, I guess he was really anxious about it and left the ring in the room as a form of avoidance - in his head talking about a year from now, also avoiding, but then it came out verbally. Or he did have it in his pocket and wanted it to be perfect and then the other engagement happened. I would say try to let it go and enjoy your holiday, if any re- evaluation needs to happen it can happen when you are back home in harsh reality.

Olikingcharles · 14/11/2017 07:32

I can't for the life of me fathom why he would even say anything at all? Surely he'd have know it would hurt you? Very shittty thing to do!!!

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