Non proposal and pissed off

[Mar84]

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

Take a deep breath, stop being cross.
He wants to propose but is phased by the fuss. Go to visit a less public spot today and just hold each others hand. You don't need him down on one knee to propose do you?
..or ask him? You love him. He loves you. A formal proposal after you have been sitting over lunch deciding to get married seems bonkers: If you've decided to get married then you are engaged!

As with most hotly debated OPs on MN is does come down to what the OP thinks was behind this.

Most have agreed you're not being unreasonable to be pissed off OP, which was your main question. It's been a fairly even split between he's being nasty and he's being thoughtless but forgivable.

What do you think OP? Is this his way of saying he's got cod feet? Do you feel dangled?

If he’s normally kind and thoughtful then I think this was probably nerves/embarrassment/panic as others have suggested. Proposals have turned into this whole big thing with elaborate set ups and public displays and that’s a lot of pressure. They don’t appeal to everyone.

Was he joking and his "joke" went the wrong way? If he genuinely had a ring back in the hotel and told you that then said you had to wait a year I would think he had lost his sanity.

"Maybe next year" is very off. I'd also be wary about agreeing to a tiny wedding if he does get his arse in gear; nothing against low-key weddings, but if you're not singing from the same hymn sheet that's not great. It can also be used as a stalling tactic (eg in my case, I wouldn't get married without family there - my ex used this as his get out of jail free card - he wouldn't get married until I agreed to it just being a statutory thing on a Wednesday lunchtime which he knew damn well I wouldn't agree to).

If the ring was at the hotel, how was he planning on proposing?

Or were you going to visit the landmark again?

Why not just ask at the hotel when you got back?

But the thing I really don't get is the maybe in a years time if you go away??

Do you even want an "event" proposal?

I think the only way forward is to tell him how this has made you feel. Talking to him about it will let you know more about his true motives.

This is why the tradition of men proposing to women HAS TO DIE

It's so fucking stupid. Grown adults who live together, have kids, mortgages etc don't get to discuss and agree this very important decision between them; the woman has t pretend to be all surprised and the man has to come up with this ridiculous contrived romantic scenario.

We ain't Victorian misses any more. Be a grown up. Have a conversation.

I think he panicked and just said something foolish in the moment.

I think this too. If I was you and I wanted to get married then I'd just ask him? I'm not a fan of the 'facebook' worthy grand gestures personally. It can often seem corny. I'd also have no time for the 'I know he is going to propose but I don't know exactly when' game. It's so contrived. If you've agreed to get married (which the OP has then it seems a bit silly.

DH and I had marriage pushed on to us by a Solicetor as we were working as expats and it made moving to our next destination much easier. The 'proposal' was over the phone and involved the word Solicetor 😂. I think it was perfect! and we are still happily married 30 odd years later.
OP, if I were you then why don't you ask him to marry you this evening. You've already seen the ring (I'm a bit shocked you looked - you could have just looked for the box without actually opening it 🤷🏻‍♀️) If you wait then it's going to feel like a test for your partner.

Bluntness
Honestly polly I think you’re being thick. If there is no formal agreement to marry there is no betrothal

And in addition an engagement is not legally binding

You can't have it both ways . How can it be a formal agreement and not legally binding ?

I think that if a couple have discussed a wedding and the type of wedding THEY want TO EACH OTHER they are as good as engaged. This was not- we are eld to believe- some abstract discussion over types of weddings; it was THEIR wedding!

So I've read more of the thread and I see you've actually discussed getting married. So how are you not already engaged?!

Re: the engaged to be engaged thing:

engagement is a hangover from days long gone by. Aeons ago the woman waited for the proposal and the engagement period was time to be seen in public, get to know each other, orgainise the event and decide who is going to live where.

Lots of people still like the idea of being officially engaged for a while and that's fine IMO. The engagement may not come a surprise to anyone at all but that in this day and age when everything is the other way around and we live together first anyway the whole getting married thing is what ever folk want it to be.

as long as you don't have grabby ''We're engaged come and give us cash to put towards our outrageously expensive wedding and honeymoon'' parties. looking at you DHs cousin

It's not the lack of proposal that is insensitive IMO. It's the fact that at lunchtime they were talking about marriage etc and then he lets it be known that actually, he had bought a ring and was planning to give it to the OP but now he thinks maybe he'll do it next year instead.

That comment alone invalidates even the discussion about marriage because the BF has made it very clear that even the thought of marriage or engagement is not on the cards for at least another year.

He doesn't have to go down on one knee or produce a diamond here, the fact that he's said "maybe next year" says everything that needs to be said on his part. Marriage is not in his immediate future plans, ring or no ring.

I wonder how it's going with OP?

My friend has a similar - but crucially different - story. Her now DH took her away for the weekend. She'd had a bad week at work, the weather wasn't kind to them and the hotel wasn't that great. So she had a bit of a moan about it. He had been planning to propose, was pissed off with her moaning and so didn't. He waited a couple of months and did it another time. The difference? He told her the "I was going to propose there but didn't..." story AFTER they were engaged. So they had a bit of a laugh about it and "the place we didn't get engaged" has gone down in their folklore.

What your BF did was crass and stupid. The perfect response? "I thought you might have proposed and I was going to say yes. Next time? Who knows. Something better might come up in the meantime". Cuts both ways, you know.....

He WANTS to marry you - he bought you a ring and brought it on holiday.
Then there was this big public proposal at some big tourist attraction.
It made him feel pressured (twit!)
He then blurted out to you what he was thinking: 'oh, it's not going to be any good now. I'll wait for a special moment next time/year'.

Just tell him: 'I love you and any proposal you make will be special enough'.

Then wait to be given the ring.

tbf, it does depend on whether the location etc re proposal is important to you. Wouldn't be to me, but might be to you?

"this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle."

No, sorry darling. This is not about you and allllll about him. You are on a hiding to nothing if you want to pursue that argument. He won't get it and it muddies the waters if you continue to believe it.

Make no mistake, what he did is really, really pathetic and I would be livid. But you have to be angry about the right things.

I do think that the "elaborate proposal" culture is really unhelpful for lots of women, because they want to be engaged to men who are simply too scared or unwilling to make this kind of spectacle. They want to propose, but lose their nerve, and fuck it all up.

Tis very frustrating for all involved.

The BF has made it very clear that even the thought of marriage or engagement is not on the cards for at least another year.

Oh come on now, he's done nothing of the sort. He said something stupid in the heat of the moment. Doesn't mean he's bound to it. It's not Article 50.

"tbf, it does depend on whether the location etc re proposal is important to you. Wouldn't be to me, but might be to you?"

Disagree pinking and I think you've missed the point of the post completely.

The OP is not saying she wants a romantic, public proposal. She simply doesn't want her boyfriend to do something as awkward and painful as saying, "oh, I was going to, but I won't now, and it may or may not hapen in the future".

That's shitty behaviour no matter how you look at it.

I’d be a bit suspicious that his ring ‘back at the hotel’ is a fictional one. He wanted in on the points that the other guy was getting from everyone (especially you). He was likely kicking himself that he hadn’t lined up a proposal, once he realised how perfect the surroundings would have been I thought this - but now you say there is a ring? Perhaps he thought they stole his thunder? That there would be an audience?

I know how you feel though - we went away to a once in a lifetime place and it was beautiful It should have been a lovely holiday but I spent most of it in a foul mood that despite all these unbelievable fantastic places we were going to, and the fact we had endlessly discussed marriage, there was no proposal. And I wasn't going to propose, I was too pissed off He did it a week later in bloody Stevenage I mean, top of a tropical mountain at sunset vs Stevenage He said he hadn't wanted to lose the ring

I don’t understand why he didn’t just ask you at the hotel when you got back if he didn’t want a public display. He didn’t need to say anything to you about any of his plans.

I guess just tell him that was insensitive. He may have no idea of his blunder. Then say when you would like to get married to him clearly.

He did it a week later in bloody Stevenage

But you'll always have Stevenage VeganIan. You'll always have Stevenage. And you can't say he wasn't original.....

I wouldn't proposed to somebody cross with me. It would be the equivalent of throwing lamb chops at a rampaging lion! I'd try and pick my moment a bit better.

I think he won't wait until next year OP, just for a break in the storm. I like what pinkingshears said: Just tell him: 'I love you and any proposal you make will be special enough'.