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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Non proposal and pissed off

193 replies

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:11

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 14/11/2017 07:35

That was very nasty.Who does he think he is? maybe next year?
What are you going to do now? I hope your not going to hang around waiting for him to change his mind and propose at some point.
I'd be telling him, I'd finished with him.He is leading you on OP.

schoolgaterebel · 14/11/2017 07:36

He bought a ring but has decided that wait another year because he doesn't want to be embarrassed by proposing?

He doesn't want to he married, have an honest conversation now, don't waste another year waiting for something that's never going to happen.

Collaborate · 14/11/2017 07:36

To be honest I'd rather remove a testicle with a rusty spoon than propose in public like that, so I kind of see where he's coming from. Perhaps your enthusiasm for such a proposal has thrown him.

Original poster

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:36

I told him he hurt me and I was very upset with him which is knows, we had a long talk after I had calmed down nd I said I never asked him to propose but what he did was shit and cruel nd made me feel that I wasn’t good enough once again.
I am still angry though and part of me wants to get up and go for breakfast alone right now

OP posts:

schoolgaterebel · 14/11/2017 07:36

I would also be finishing with him.

Skittlesandbeer · 14/11/2017 07:37

I’d be a bit suspicious that his ring ‘back at the hotel’ is a fictional one. He wanted in on the points that the other guy was getting from everyone (especially you). He was likely kicking himself that he hadn’t lined up a proposal, once he realised how perfect the surroundings would have been.

You know him best, I guess.

It’s one of those lovely life moments when you try and figure out if the bloke in your life is really that cruel or really that stupid (or occasionally both).

Either way the result isn’t good. In your position I’d cool off in a big way. Enjoy your holiday, but leave him to his own devices (polishing the fictional ring, perhaps?). I’d breezily mention that there’d most likely be other contenders for my hand in marriage in the next year, and almost certainly one who is more considerate and clever.

Then I’d dob him in to his mum and his mates.

Sheeeesh! Not proposing is one thing, snatching away a proposal that you didn’t know was imminent (and telling you) is unforgivable!

SpottedGingham · 14/11/2017 07:38

He didn’t have to say anything. I can understand how hurt and upset you must be feeling.

flowery · 14/11/2017 07:40

”just yesterday lunch time decided getting married was more important than saving for years for a fancy event.”

Hypothetically? Or getting married to each other more important than saving for a fancy event?

Because if you’ve already talked about getting married, have agreed you want to, and have decided you don’t want a big event, what’s this proposal for?

WhatwouldAryado · 14/11/2017 07:43

It sounds bollocks really. He didn't like the big attention proposal suggesting he would prefer something private. BUT he needs to wait a year if you're away? Very strange behaviour.
If he doesn't want it to be a surprise that is also find.
BUT a proposal a genuine one is pretty much a question you already know the answer to. A relationship where it is not predictable is either too new or dead in the water. Obviously that's my opinion. But in good relationships the partners know where they stand and are going or are comfortable with the conversations to establish that.

TheCatsBananas · 14/11/2017 07:44

That sounds cruel and odd. If it's true that he's got you a ring and wanted to propose but got cold feet then there was absolutely no need to tell you. He could have just thought about it a bit longer without you knowing. Or if it was the public proposal that looked scary, not the thought of actually getting engaged, he could have decided not to do the same kind of thing but proposed in private at some other point over the holiday. Again, no need to tell you.

To buy a ring, bring it on holiday with the intention of proposing, then see another couple getting engaged and think "do you know what, I'd rather do this in a year," is bizarre. Unless you've been together a short time and he feels it would be rushing in? But you would expect that in that situation he would say nothing, or would have a sensitive and honest conversation with you about the fact he wants to marry you, but wonders if it's too soon for you two.

If he really is serious that he wants to get engaged but has suddenly decided to wait a year, and to tell you that, I would be questioning the wait. He either wants to marry you or he doesn't. You can have a long engagement if that suits you, but waiting a year for him to ask you a question he's told you he's going to ask and has already bought a ring for is pointless, and seems like stringing you along or purposely going on a power trip.

Lweji · 14/11/2017 07:44

If you're talking about getting married and he mentioned a proposal in a year, maybe, if you go away, it means he may be talking about it but he doesn't want to.
He's just told you marriage won't happen for at least a year. Much more, considering the planning.
It has a feel that if you're a good girl then he'll reward you with a proposal.

I'd ask him right now if you're getting married or not and tell him the time frame and the conditions you see it happen. He should be as honest with you.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 14/11/2017 07:45

Would be telling him to take the fucker back but I am petty.

Bowerbird5 · 14/11/2017 07:47

It is the sort of crass thing mine would say. Write on a piece of card.

THINK! Before you speak.
Leave it for him. Go for a walk by yourself before breakfast.

My proposal? In a shop door way was..." I suppose I better get a suit." I was pregnant.
He has gone on to say other crap remarks at times. Really hurtful.

An unmumsnetty hug for you.

ElspethFlashman · 14/11/2017 07:48

This would be the point where I decided I needed a break once we got back from holiday to reevaluate what I wanted.

I wouldn't want to marry someone cruel anyway.

Mittens1969 · 14/11/2017 07:48

There was absolutely no need to tell you that. If the story was genuine, and he’d decide against proposing to you, he could have held on to the ring until a later date.

That’s actually very cruel.

Decemberqueen · 14/11/2017 07:49

Ask him to show you the ring he's brought with him.

whiskyowl · 14/11/2017 07:50

It sounds to me like you are being kept on the dangle-dangle.

I read about an actor who did this - sadly, I can't remember who it was - but he basically told his girlfriend that he was going to propose, and that she better be ready at all times, looking her best etc., to receive the proposal. And then let her wait and wait and wait, turning up to every date having made an extra-special effort etc. (She was completely stupid to let herself be strung along). It just struck me as a fantastically cruel mind game to play. Don't let that be you!

On the other hand, is there a chance you might have misunderstood here. I can easily imagine someone not wanting to propose in public with an audience, and feeling intimidated and embarrassed that there might be an expectation that they would. I think it's a shame that Youtube has turned proposals into a spectator sport - to me,
they aren't some big video event, but an intensely private moment between a couple. Performance isn't for everyone! If your "pointing out the couple" was more of a "massive hint that he should do the same", I can see why he might be reevaluating his strategy.

Dafspunk · 14/11/2017 07:52

This is not advice but when he finally does getting round to ask you, I couldn’t help myself but say ‘nah, I felt like it last year but not now, maybe next year’.

But I’m terribly contrary. Obviously you should not do this but have a serious conversation with him telling him how he’s made you feel and then deciding together when you’re going to get engaged and married (if this is what you still want).

But just to give him a taste of his own medicine - so tempting!

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 14/11/2017 07:53

Next time he wants a shag tell him maybe when you go away next year.
Or dump him now. .

Lilonetwothree · 14/11/2017 07:54

I have a feeling he is testing the waters to gauge your reaction. He will probably propose at another part of your romantic trip- probably in a more private location

Frazzled2207 · 14/11/2017 07:54

Wowsers. Odd and cruel. I can sympathise with him not wanting to propose in a public place and not appreciating your hints but totally ridiculous for him to say he won’t now propose for a year.
Unless he makes amends fast and has a good excuse for his behaviour I would be no longer wanting to marry this guy.

ahhhsalmonskinroll · 14/11/2017 07:54

Ahh the old dangle the carrot to keep you hanging on. And maybe just maybe if you’re a really good girl eventually he’ll propose - when the time is right.
I couldn’t continue a relationship after this. It was nasty and unnecessary and there is absolutely no way he couldn’t have known it was a shit thing to do. If he wanted to propose he would have, believe me. He doesn’t want to so he made up an excuse but he made it sound like he was this close.

Whataboutmeee · 14/11/2017 07:55

He couldn't have been planning to propose anyway as he left the ring back at the hotel (if there is a ring.)

Pombliboo123 · 14/11/2017 07:56

I'm sorry but what the actual FUCK. That is EVIL. What an arsehole!!!!!!!!!!!

tillytown · 14/11/2017 07:57

Is he normally an idiot?

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