Non proposal and pissed off

[Mar84]

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

He was telling her the truth, he was going to propose and whe its come to it, he’s changed his mind and he’s will reconsider if he wishes to propose to her next year, right now he’s not sure if he wants to marry her or not. The type of proposal is irrelevant, he doesn’t want to propose at all, even in private.

we have some great mind readers on MN.

These threads are like Chinese whispers . someone posts something, where they show they don't quite get the gist or nuances of the original post. Then someone else wades in and their take on it slightly changes the nuances again..and so it continues until finally the jury is reading something that is so far removed from the actual OP it's laughable.

What he said was he didn't want to propose in a public place as the OP had expected/ fantasied about.

I don't see him as saying he won't marry her or give her the ring; just that he wants to save it for their next 'special ' holiday if it happens.

Not saying I agree with this- seems rather silly. If you want to get engaged, married, whatever, just do it. I have never been able to understand this 'let's get engaged in 12 months' time' . In my day, you set the wedding date once you were engaged, and you didn't set a date to get engaged, you just asked, and got on with it. We arranged a full wedding within 12 weeks of being engaged. Dress, cake, church, invites, hotel- all done.

I'm baffled by this whole thing of 'surprise' proposals that aren't really surprises.

However, there is so much about marriage and weddings that still reeks of the patriarchy and makes me want to be sick in my mouth (the bride being 'given away' for a start).

Oh god yes.

"He’s testing you OP. To see how much shit you are prepared to put up with."
^^
I agree with this.

Reading this reminds me that after we split up, exH told me that before he proposed to me, there were a couple of occasions when he was thinking of doing it but changed his mind based on something I’d done. He didn’t tell me at the time but now I know it makes sense that he was using withholding that as a way of punishing me. Of course I didn’t know about it then - I probably wouldn’t have seen it as a red flag even if I did, just been contrite about how I’d messed up. I wouldn’t now! Getting married isn’t a treat you get for being a good girl.

Getting married isn’t a treat you get for being a good girl

How I wish someone had told me this a decade ago.

It's also not at all uncommon for a certain type of abusive man to spend years pulling this shit. He will milk the 'maybe the proposal's coming' strategy for a good long time, and if the woman finally looks like she's about to tell him to fuck off, he'll do it. It might be a big showy number, but he's more likely to pick a moment when she's crying after a row and do it either grudgingly or condescendingly - 'stop crying, here's your sweeties' so he can then remind her, every time she's being insufficiently compliant, that she wanted a proposal.
He can then put all sorts of obstacles in the way of an actual wedding. Not enough money; his best friend can't make that date, wouldn't it be better to buy a house (in his name of course) first... And then, once he's had all the fun he can possibly have - and once the woman has waited until her ovaries dried up - he will move on and start this wonderful game again.

Don't know if this is the case with OP, but it might be worth considering.

Don't think they've been together long enough for that to be likely - on another thread from August OP mentioned she'd only been with him for 6 months. And he's bought a ring already! I reckon they've sorted it all out by now and are happily planning a 2018 wedding

I also wish someone had told me that, SGB

My now husband was going to propose at the top of the Empire State Building but forgot because he was so blown away by it! I thought it was funny. He finally proposed a little bit later at the top of the Guineas factory in Dublin instead which was perfect. It’s made for a great story!

Sorry for no reply my account locked me out and the reset emails are not working to my phone so will have to wait till I am home to sort so set up this one.
So I decided to enjoy my time here and once I am home take some time to evaluate what’s going on and what I actually want from this. I didn’t know he didn’t say it to be controlling but he doesn’t always have a filter or think about the effect of what he says. We had a lovely day and meal yesterday and the ring stayed in the room so no proposal which I am glad about as this has taken the shine off it so to speak

Do what's right for you, OP/Mar1984. People are looking through their own filters and their own experiences. You don't need a lecture and it sounds as if you have your head properly screwed on.

Giving yourself time to process and think about what you ultimately want will never be time wasted. Best wishes to you.

I didn’t know he didn’t say it to be controlling but he doesn’t always have a filter or think about the effect of what he says.

It's often said that we should believe what they tell us.

Not having a filter means that you know what he's thinking, so you can decide if it's someone you can be happy with.
Take him at face value and not what you hope he is.

We are women, here us roar!!!!

Except when it comes to engagements and proposals. Excuse us whilst we do our very best impression of a meek, docile, house pet.

FFS.

1. Propose to him. Its 2017, its allowed.

or

1. Tell him to go get the ring, get down on one knee and ask the bloody question. You can even ummm and ahhhh for a bit before giving your answer.

Roar where?

I love Scottishdiem

Why does he hold all the power here and why are you telling him you don't feel good enough?? If you are discussing being married and your wedding together then haven't you both already agreed that its happening?