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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non proposal and pissed off

193 replies

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:11

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

OP posts:
gunsandbanjos · 14/11/2017 07:58

Wow, that was an awful thing to do!

And yes, ask to see the ring.

Original poster
Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:59

I checked while he was sleeping and there is a beautiful ring in a box from Goldsmiths which leaves me even more confused but he must of had thoughts about doing it at least which is why I don’t understand the saying what he did!
Right now he is sleeping so I think I need to get up and go for breakfast and a walk to clear my head as I have to say I didn’t react too well last night and walked off for an hour when we got back saying he was cruel and I didn’t have time for mine games

OP posts:
Fatbergs · 14/11/2017 08:02

OP, does he understand why you're upset?

TheNaze73 · 14/11/2017 08:02

I think he have panicked & could be having second thoughts about the enormity of being married, especially if it’s secind time around for him

silkpyjamasallday · 14/11/2017 08:02

I actually think it sounds like he was getting ready to propose, but the incident at the landmark and you expressing how romantic/amazing it was has made him realise or think you want the proposal to be a much bigger deal than he was expecting or prepared for and he understandably feels deflated. If this sort of trip is a once a year thing for you then presumably he is waiting a year until you can go away for a romantic break together again so he can plan the extravaganza he now thinks you want. Perhaps he was planning on doing a classy understated proposal over dinner, but now thinks that won't do and you want a big public display. Yes he shouldn't have said anything, but if he has realised you have a fundamental difference in opinion over engagement/marriage he probably felt really crap that the effort he had gone to wasn't going to be enough. I don't think he is being cruel at all, you've just pissed on his chips because you made a fuss over the wonderful romantic public display at the landmark.

GrumpyOldBag · 14/11/2017 08:03

Errrr ... weird.

If you want to get married, just ask him if he's up for it too.

I just don't get this obsession with "romantic proposals". We're not in the 18th Century any more.

Original poster
Mar84 · 14/11/2017 08:04

He says he does understand why I am upset but he didn’t mean it like that so I should of told him how I felt before getting so upset- I know he has a point. I also explained that he should think what he says and something like that was cruel and I feel crap about the whole thing, at this point I don’t even want him to propose to me

OP posts:
DrinkReprehensibly · 14/11/2017 08:04

Three things bother me about this.

  1. It's cruel and at best thoughtless.
  2. He's presuming he knows better what Op wants than she does (the grand gesture on holiday).
  3. If they discuss it, any subsequent proposal is going to feel forced / he's guilted into it somehow.

Is it recoverable? The proposal for my first marriage was a bit of an "oh alright then" during a discussion with ExH. It didn't work out.

Original poster
Mar84 · 14/11/2017 08:06

I said the proposal was lovely not that it’s what I wanted he has has just said that he was going to do it in he exact same place but how busy and involved everyone got wasn’t for him - so it’s him that changed not me

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 14/11/2017 08:08

That's so nasty and cruel. Like he wanted to get to you and knew where it would hurt the most given that you want to get married. Sounds like a nasty piece of work and he's stringing you along. The fact he's in possession of a ring doesn't make it any better - it could as well be a carrot that he dangles for many years. Doesn't mean anything unless he actually proposes and plans the wedding.

TheDaysOfYore · 14/11/2017 08:10

It sounds to me like he was trying to fish and see what your response would be before actually doing it... maybe he’s really nervous and just blurted out something stupid?
If he’s bought the ring and he doesn’t do it by the end of the trip away then ask him about it.
Just maybe hint that you would say yes?

3Boys1Mum · 14/11/2017 08:13

I think he panicked and just said something foolish in the moment.

I think we forget the pressure placed in men when it comes to proposals. I would hated something public, we just agreed to get married and went and bought rings (we bought wedding rings as well as my engagement ring). It was perfect for me but he wanted something more spectacular. Then the amount of people who asked us

“Omg how did he do if”

“Was it romantic”

“Mine was the best moment of my life, was yours”

And all that kind of nonsense really got to him. He felt like he’d let me down and that everyone was looking at him as if he was useless. I felt so sorry for him.

It’s the one and only time I’d wished I’d let him do something his way.

Laiste · 14/11/2017 08:14

[he said] I should of told him how I felt before getting so upset

Hmm. That's not really how getting upset works.

If you are not meeting eye to eye on this i would get through the holiday and then cool off a little about the whole thing once you're both home.

I see you both have kids so can't literally flounce off, nor would i advice that, you're both grown ups.

I'd give yourself a time frame to re-evaluate this a bit. Don't make any rash decisions now. Aim to see how you feel in the new year perhaps?

LazyDailyMailJournos · 14/11/2017 08:14

Oh dear, it sounds like a bit of crossed wires and he's blurted out a response without thinking.

I can understand how he might be a bit put-off from doing a big public gesture. It sounds as if that's what he meant, but he didn't think about how his words would sound. He's not realised that you don't want a big gesture and that it's the meaning behind it that matters. He's overlooked the fact that by saying "maybe next year" he's treating a proposal as if it was a reward that he's dangling in front of you.

If he is usually pretty good then I'd go for a walk, clear your head and try and get your emotions under control. Then come back, have a chat with him and tell him how you feel. Hopefully the two of you can get past it.

bufin · 14/11/2017 08:15

I don't think he's nasty or cruel, just genuinely clueless and a bit stupid.

Allthewaves · 14/11/2017 08:18

Oh no he panicked then felt bad and wanted to let you know he did want to propose. He's made a bit of a mess. You need to calmly sit him down and explain you don't need a big proposal that he can go and get the ring stick it on your finger and you will say yes.

Sounds like he seems think you expect some amazing proposal (even if you don't). Just talk to him, calmly. Tell him what you told us about how great he is

Laiste · 14/11/2017 08:18

The thing is, even if he saw OP liking the public engagement of another couple, why on earth would he say i was going to ask you but i'm not now?

In what world is that an ok thing to say to anyone?

No one had his arm twisted to do the proposal in a grand/public/OTT romantic way. I just don't get why seeing it done one way would put him off doing it AT ALL. For a year! Confused

Sarahh2014 · 14/11/2017 08:19

Has he definitely got a ring with him? Might have felt awkward coz realised u expected it

WizardOfToss · 14/11/2017 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AfterSchoolWorry · 14/11/2017 08:21

What did he say in return OP?

Whataboutmeee · 14/11/2017 08:21

When he says he might propose 'next year' does he mean in January or in a whole year?

dissapointedafternoon · 14/11/2017 08:23

Pretty sure he is going to propose at a more private time on the holiday and he was trying to et the chance to ask at a time when he had chosen.
Let's see what happens but don't kick up a stink.

PollyPerky · 14/11/2017 08:24

This is most odd.

If you have discussed the type of wedding you'd like, then surely you are engaged already? A ring is a token.

And being charitable, are you happy to have a ring chosen for you rather than choosing one you'd like?

I don't understand your relationship one little bit.

Like the other posters, having some sort of public proposal sounds tacky to put it mildly.

You both sound as if you are very young and playing at having a serious relationship .

As I said, if you have talked of marriage and the type of ceremony YOU ARE ENGAGED ALREADY. An engagement is a promise to marry. The ring is not even necessary.

If you are serious about marrying each other, you need to set a date and/ or get to the nearest register office and get it done.

LoverOfCake · 14/11/2017 08:26

Clearly he had second thoughts before they got to the attraction though given he said he'd left the ring at the hotel so he actually had no intentions of proposing at all.

I agree that the proposal doesn't need to be all that, my first proposal from xh was romantic and nice, but with current DP there wasn't really a proposal just a talk of shall we get engaged as a sign of our commitment to each other sort of thing, and there are children involved so their feelings needed to be considered as well, and I do have a ring but we can't currently plan a wedding due to other stuff going on however when we do it'll be a low key thing. But the game playing for me would be a big deal.

If marriage is important to you then I would be re-thinking the relationship tbh. However if in the scheme of things marriage isn't important and you can see yourselves cohabiting in the long-term, then I'd be likely to have a conversation with him along the lines of "look, it seems clear that marriage isn't actually what you want, so let's just ditch the idea of marriage, proposals, rings, any of that kind of stuff and go on as we were, assuming of course that you actually still want to be with me as a couple." And then I'd let it go. But I would need the commitment of whether the relationship was in fact what he still wanted and just marriage wasn't.

Butterymuffin · 14/11/2017 08:28

I think he panicked and just said something foolish in the moment

Me too. It just went horribly wrong. He actually has the ring there so I would believe he genuinely intended to propose. I would say to him you two should start afresh and ignore the day all this happened.