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AIBU?

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Original poster

Non proposal and pissed off

193 replies

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:11

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 14/11/2017 09:47

"This is why the tradition of men proposing to women HAS TO DIE

It's so fucking stupid. Grown adults who live together, have kids, mortgages etc don't get to discuss and agree this very important decision between them; the woman has t pretend to be all surprised and the man has to come up with this ridiculous contrived romantic scenario."

Hole in one!

I think it looks increasingly ridiculous, stilted, and anxiety-laden for all concerned. It's part of the event-ization of everything. Thanks, social media!

sizenines · 14/11/2017 09:49

Put the ring on and wear it as it's meant for you. He will have to say something then, won't he? (That doesn't stop him being a div, though).

BuzzKillington · 14/11/2017 09:53

He sounds a bit clueless.

But as an aside, it's 2nd time around for you both, you've got children, it's 2017 - just ask him if it means so much to you to get engaged?

JaneEyre70 · 14/11/2017 10:00

I can understand him panicking and changing his mind - but telling you about it is beyond cruel Sad. I am sorry OP but he sounds like he's a headfuck. I'd be on the 1st train/plane/bus home.

scaryteacher · 14/11/2017 10:05

Next year is about 6 weeks away......

Temporary2002 · 14/11/2017 10:06

I think he froze with anxiety with an audience, and blathered all that because he didn't want you feel bad if you were wishing for a proposal. Nervous verbal diarrhea. Sounds like he has a vision in his head, but it was ruined by somebody else doing it right where he planned you two would be. I am not quite sure how I would feel once I got over his dumb move...maybe say that 2017 will end with a ring on it..
Or else!Grin Winks

PeawitPerkins · 14/11/2017 10:11

It honestly sounds to me that he wants to propose but in an original way. The other couple being there in front of you made him say something silly - thoughtless I think, but not cruel. I don't think people usually discuss marriage in the way you both have unless they are seriously committed and ready. And he sounds like he's usually lovely to you. Wait and see what happens - don't do anything you might regret

LoverOfCake · 14/11/2017 10:24

People are missing the point. This wasn't a case of the bloke buying a ring and then bottling it at the last minute, he bought a ring and changed his mind about proposing to the OP before they even left the hotel to go to the place where he says he was planning to propose. Not only that, but he told the OP he was planning to propose there and changed his mind so left the ring at the hotel.

So somewhere between him having a conversation with the OP about marriage at lunchtime and going to the place he had originally planned to propose, he changed his mind.

He wasn't thoughtless, he deliberately left the ring at the hotel because he didn't want to propose to the OP. Fair enough, he's entirely within his rights to change his mind, but then he told the OP that he'd bought a ring and then changed his mind, and that "maybe next year," and was surprised/annoyed that she was upset?

That's not thoughtless, it's deliberate game playing.

I wouldn't give an ultimatum and I wouldn't want that ring any more anyway since he didn't intend to give it to the OP after all.

ElspethFlashman · 14/11/2017 10:34

Exactly, it's not as if the ring was in his pocket. He had left it behind, he had never any intention of proposing at that spot or any other that night.

Yet he thought it a good idea to fill her in on how not only had he changed his mind about asking her to be his wife, but he wasn't even intending to do it any time soon now. Nahhhh.....maybe next year.

Maybe. He could change his mind then too of course. And be sure to tell her all about it.

What an arsehole. Talk about putting the OP back in her box.

goodmum23 · 14/11/2017 10:37

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PeawitPerkins · 14/11/2017 10:37

Think people are analysing and reading a lot into this. Only he knows what's really going on in his head. Still think OP shouldn't do anything she might regret, and wait and see. And only OP knows if he is usually a game player, which would obviously affect how this should all be interpreted

MerryMarigold · 14/11/2017 10:38

That's not thoughtless, it's deliberate game playing.

Yup.

I'd ask to see the ring (does it really exist?) and then have a VERY honest conversation about why he doesn't want to propose. It's got nothing to do with people watching, clapping etc. He could have given it to you in the hotel room if he felt that was too much.

Take the game playing out of things. It may not be too romantic, but this is second time around and you want to make totally sure you're not getting into another bad relationship.

KurriKurri · 14/11/2017 10:45

Why does he get all the say in when you get engaged or married (or not). I think saying 'maybe next year' is vrey arrogant. he thinks whether you get married or not and when is entirely up to him. I'd start putting your own views forward about what you want, not wait for him to say he might propose next year (subtext 'if you are good''if I feel like it')

If marriage is a make or break thing for you, tell him and say how you would like thing to progress, and he can agree or not, and you can decide by his reaction whether you want to be with someone who messes you about and plays mind games.

He didn't have to say anything, what he said was deliberately hurtful, how many more times is he going to dangle the 'reward' of marriage under your nose and then withdraw it at the last minute? And then he thinks he can tell you how you should feel and when you are allowed to get upset. Red flags for me.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 10:45

Totally bemused by some of these answers. Clearly people think the ops partner is a complete and utter idiot who suddenly says he doesn’t want to propose and maybe reconsider in a year when he didn’t mean it. The heat of what “moment”, he didn’t even have the ring with him. It was in the room, He wasn’t planning proposing there and then. There was no heat of the moment.

He was telling her the truth, he was going to propose and whe its come to it, he’s changed his mind and he’s will reconsider if he wishes to propose to her next year, right now he’s not sure if he wants to marry her or not. The type of proposal is irrelevant, he doesn’t want to propose at all, even in private.

She can’t say to him “well we discussed it over lunch so now we actually are betrothed, fuck you”.

innagazing · 14/11/2017 10:52

I agree with Bluntless100.
But then, I always agree with what Bluntless says.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 10:56

But then, I always agree with what Bluntless says

Hmmm. Didn’t know my husband was on mumsnet,,,Grin

KimmySchmidt1 · 14/11/2017 10:58

Yes. You need to get married ASAP for legal protection reasons - I wouldn't ever have a baby with someone i wasn't married to for very practical legal reasons (cf the million threads on here from people who have been screwed by exes they were not married to).

He has expressed a desire to get married, he needs to get on with it ASAP. Just get it done. Don't start an argument about it (you're not in Eastenders) just say "we want to get married, we have a child together, I think we should do it now, not next year". End of.

RockinHippy · 14/11/2017 11:04

Mine did this. It was almost the end of “us” as I was so pissed off even though I wasn’t particularly hankering after a proposal. Turned out he was partially calling my bluff & it was meant as a bit of a joke & partially testing the water for how I would react if he did propose. He proposed the following Valentine’s Day

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2017 11:05

Hets behave like this because they actually revere and fetishize traditional marriage. The men who won't marry women who want marriage actually, deep down, feel that marriage is much more than 'just a bit of paper'. In some cases they know that marrying a woman gives her more legal/financial protection, especially if kids and property are involved; in other cases it's a matter of thinking that marriage is 'real' in a way that mortgages and babies aren't - so as long as you don't marry the woman, you can still walk away if you get a better offer.
Het women who make a big deal out of the perfect proposal and the perfect day may have the pragmatic knowledge that marriage is a legal contract (and a very good idea if they plan to have DC and give up waged work) but they've also swallowed the dangerous idea that a wedding ring is a reward for being a Good Girl, and the only reward worth having.

Honeycombcrunch · 14/11/2017 11:06

Op, just put the ring on and tell your tongue-tied DP that the proposal bit doesn't matter.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/11/2017 11:13

"BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away."
Maybe next year. The rest of it could be stupidity/panic/social awkwardness, but not that. That is pure dangling the carrot. I think what Mar84 is currently experiencing is the total loss of respect for her boyfriend. She thought he was a good guy, but with that one sentence the scales have fallen from her eyes and she's looking at someone she doesn't recognise and who she no longer respects. And without respect, love and affection cannot long survive Sad.

JetCityWoman · 14/11/2017 11:23

my ex did something similar. Bought other expensive jewellery but not a ring. Turned out he was married and hadn't told me.

WinnieFosterTether · 14/11/2017 11:29

I agree with Bluntness.
It's not accidental to turn something that should be a happy occasion into one that's upsetting. Because no matter when/if the next proposal comes, it will always be tainted by these mind games. My first serious bf engineered a similar 'incident' around our engagement. I pushed through (as some PPs are suggesting) 'oh he made a mistake' 'let's just get on with it'. That was the wrong response. His ability and desire to fuck up something positive and to make it all about him and (in your case) to put you on warning for a year - is him showing you who he is. You deserve better.

LoverOfCake · 14/11/2017 11:39

Yep, agree with bluntness as well. There was no heat of the moment, he'd already decided he didn't want to propose.

And in fact if he'd wanted to say to the OP that he didn't want to propose in that setting it would have been easy to say "I'd thought of proposing here but thought it was too public," or "I don't really like those kinds of public proposals," but the addition of the fact that he'd bought a ring and was planning to propose but left the ring at the hotel because he'd changed his mind and now maybe next year if they go away... what's the betting they won't be going away next year then...?

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/11/2017 11:42

'Only he knows what's really going on in his head. Still think OP shouldn't do anything she might regret, and wait and see.'

This is exactly the attitude that gives him all the power, and leaves the OP powerless. I'm with Elspeth and KurriKurri and the PP whiskyowl quoted above.

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