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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non proposal and pissed off

193 replies

Mar84 · 14/11/2017 07:11

So me and BF are away for a few days somewhere beautiful and VERY romantic, I have always wanted to go here so have been so excited. Also a few nights with no DC and posh hotel are heavenly after a stressful year.
Last night we went to a landmark, the one I had been so excited about and I pointed out a couple getting engaged at the front. Everyone was clapping and cheering, it was truely lovely. BF turns around and says he had brought a ring with him (back in hotel) as he had planned on asking me to marry him but that looked embarrassing and too much so he isn’t going to now- maybe next year if we go away.
Am I AIBU to feel that is really shit of him and feel crap that he just thought telling me he was but now isn’t going to and might next year is horrible? I have spent years in a marriage not feeling good enough and finally I do but this just put me back a few steps that I felt I wasn’t worth the hassle. That aside there is a MILLION places here he could of done it if that was too much but to just cancel it and ruin it feels rubbish please tell me my mood is unreasonable

OP posts:
NoParticularPattern · 14/11/2017 08:29

I’m sorry but that’s really cruel. Like you I can’t understand why he didn’t just keep his mouth shut if he’d bottled it?! If you’re not one of these who goes all in for big proposals (I’m not either! We got engaged in our garden!) then why did he feel the need to be all “here’s what you could have won”?

Also with the getting upset thing- you have every right to be upset with the way he has handled it. You can’t tell someone in advance that you’re going to be upset because, well, that’s not how getting upset works. If he didn’t want to do it there and then that’s fair enough, but why the hell tell you all about what he was supposed to do and then tell you he will do it next year “maybe”. I think it’s really unfair and horrible to do that to someone. Especially someone who wasn’t even expecting a proposal anyway!

PollyPerky · 14/11/2017 08:29

You sound very insecure OP. You mentioned that in your first marriage you felt you weren't valued or good enough'. Is marriage a goal for you, as some kind of sign that you are worth something?
I think you need to work on your self esteem so it's not so bound up with getting a man to propose to you and get married.

DartmoorDoughnut · 14/11/2017 08:30

Why wait a year? Why blame you for getting upset about him saying he was going to propose but now he’s going to wait a YEAR?!

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 08:34

Honestly. What an absolute weirdo. This isn’t about you it’s him. He didn’t have to propose there, he could have done it at the hotel. He doesn’t have to propose at all. It’s like he thinks he should propose and doesn’t want to. Maybe in a year? I’d honestly send him packing. Tell him to go fuck himself. Even if he ever did, it will always be over shadowed by this.

JohnHunter · 14/11/2017 08:35

Clearly this was a clumsy thing to have done but I suspect he didn't anticipate the effect that this would have on you. Maybe he doesn't want to make a big deal of a proposal and/or compete with others that are naturally more romantic. He did want to tell you that he wants to be married (so couldn't stop himself spilling the beans) but wants to plan an actual proposal (like the one you just saw) at some point in the future.

I really don't understand all the "leave him" responses here, although that does seem to be standard Mumsnet fare.

DOI: Male, only proposed once, and didn't do it very well.

Laiste · 14/11/2017 08:35

See, i would have loved a big fancy proposal. I'm good at organising grand gestures for people and see the time spent doing it as a sign of love. (love language stuff- it's very interesting).

DH however is just not wired up that way. Grand gestures are not his 'language', he's not into saying or doing things for impact and doesn't like risks. He's a steady as a rock though, honest as the day is long and his love is very true.

One day a few years ago he asked me what i'd say if he asked me to marry him (!) I told him erm, i'd say yes. The about a month later one evening he turned the telly off, turned to me and asked me to marry him HmmGrin I said yes and we got married 2 months later. That's him all over.

What i'm getting to is: even with his lack of love for grand gestures there's no way he would have dangled a proposal or taunted me with a ring but ''not yet''. It's just not kind. At best it's very very lacking in any empathy.

scrabbler3 · 14/11/2017 08:36

Tell him you'd like to set a date. You don't need a proposal, you're not a pair of 1940s teenage virgins. His reaction to fixing a date will tell you what you need to know about his feelings for you.

Ceto · 14/11/2017 08:41

Because if you’ve already talked about getting married, have agreed you want to, and have decided you don’t want a big event, what’s this proposal for?

This. I really don't get this thing about agreeing to get engaged. Either you've agreed you'll get married, or you haven't. If you've agreed to get engaged, surely you're engaged?

MadForlt · 14/11/2017 08:41

I kinda feel sorry for him, he saw the fuss, saw you enjoyed it, knew he wouldn't cope with that and possibly felt because of that his proposal wouldn't be good enough.

And then he went and spoiled it by panicking and saying what he said, not realising you'd be happy with a much less public proposal.

I don't think he said it to be mean, I think he said it out of thoughtlessness and feeling maybe inadequate for not doing the big proposal, not realising how hurtful it would be.

Tell him you don't want something public, just something special for just the two of you. He might surprise you.

Venusflytwat · 14/11/2017 08:43

He just panicked and said something stupid. You can see he was serious because he has a ring.

You’re entitled to be hurt though. It was a stupid and clumsy thing to say.

Go for your walk and then try and salvage the day. Don’t let a blip become a major fracture.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 08:43

I think he knew exactly what he was doing and How it would hurt when he said it, unless he has additional learning needs, he knew.

My take is he felt it was expected of him, so turned nasty as he deep down doesn’t want to propose. In that moment he wanted to hurt you. He felt it was expected so he wanted you to know he had the ring, it was his decision, you came close, but maybe in a year maybe never.

Honestly, I’d end it. He’s shown his true colours.

claraschu · 14/11/2017 08:46

There are two ways that make sense to me get engaged. One way is that a couple can discuss marriage and decide they would like to marry and then figure out the details. If that hasn't happened, one person can propose, before marriage has been decided on (or maybe even mentioned), and the other person is either thrilled or not thrilled by the prospect. I don't really see how you can have it both ways: lots of discussion of marriage+a dramatic proposal of marriage.

Obviously, everyone can do what they want, but trying to do a proposal to someone whom you have already planned a marriage with seems kind of fake and artificial.

nocampinghere · 14/11/2017 08:48

I think there's too much talking about it between the two of you. Fine to sound each other out but to go on about it, is a bit weird/pressurised.

nocampinghere · 14/11/2017 08:48

I don't really see how you can have it both ways: lots of discussion of marriage+a dramatic proposal of marriage.
THIS

PollyPerky · 14/11/2017 08:49

Everyone is having a go at the bloke here, but in all honesty the OP sounds a bit daft too. One, for thinking that THIS WAS IT in terms of a ring. But she also comes over as not really in the real world. This is 2017 not 1917. You have talked of the actual ceremony. You are therefore already betrothed, to use the old fashioned word.

If he wants to wait a year to get 'engaged' ( a ring?) why?

When do you plan to marry?

Why do you want a formal, bended knee, produce a ring, proposal? Surely if you have discussed your wedding, HE HAS ALREADY PROPOSED? or at least you have mutually agreed to marry.

Or am I being thick?

doodle01 · 14/11/2017 08:53

Why marriage just enjoy it or not - I promise to be with you forever second time round

thegirlupnorth · 14/11/2017 08:53

Just bloody propose to him and get the ring in your finger 😉

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 08:55

Honestly polly I think you’re being thick. If there is no formal agreement to marry there is no betrothal. Discussing it in abstract terms doesn’t make you engaged. No one says “we are engaged as we talked about it and think one day we’d want to get married”. And in addition an engagement is not legally binding.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/11/2017 08:57

I don't see why some posters are getting so aerated about this?

Just because he had the ring in the hotel didn't mean that he was going to do it on THAT day, does it? He may have picked the location as OP said, and was going to pick another day of the holiday.

OP has found a beautiful ring. She says that he's a nice person and has her back. Why are some posters telling her to finish with him when they know nothing more about him than what OP is having a (deserved) bit of a rant about? It's not always easy to find a good person.

That 'think before you speak' advice is really pertinent (applicable for me too!).

OP... you've said your bit. He probably thought that you really enjoyed a 'public spectacle' because some people do. I don't, a lot of people I know don't either, but it's hard to gauge sometimes what other people would and wouldn't appreciate.

He has the ring, have a conversation about where you're both going and take it from there.

Julie8008 · 14/11/2017 08:58

Case of foot in mouth disease, but he is not wrong, these public engagements are cringy.

If you want to get married how come you haven't asked him?

PolkaDottyRose · 14/11/2017 09:01

I honestly don't think he has been nasty to you, or meant to upset you. He has just panicked a bit because his plan has faltered, blurted something out and now is probably terrified with no idea what to do to make everything ok. Try and forgive him - remember this is the man you love and want to marry and spend the rest of your life with. In ten years time it won't matter so much, and if he is as loving and considerate as you say he is, they will be a wonderful ten years. Isn't that worth more than the perfect proposal?

tillytown · 14/11/2017 09:02

He wasn't going to do a public proposal though, he left the ring in the hotel, so he had no reason to say anything.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2017 09:03

This is one of the rare times where it sounds possible that the bloke screwed up/lost his nerve, rather than having made a fairly calculated decision to use the Proposal Method of Doggy Training.
(Not calling you a dog, OP, but referring to a specific type of unpleasant male behaviour, which is to dangle The Proposal in front of a woman who has expressed some desire to get married, yet never actually propose. This method can be used to encourage good behaviour - hint that a proposal might be on the way so that she makes an effort with her appearance and is extra-attentive; and to punish disobedience or disrespect -'I was going to propose but you ruined everything if she ever expresses a view that's contrary to what the man wants her to do...')

I agree with PP who suggest saying to him: well, we've talked about it and you have a ring for me, how about we set a date? and see what happens. Some men also dangle proposals as a way of keeping you in line when they have no wish to marry you but would like you to stick around, servicing them domestically and being available for sex, until someone more appealing to them comes along.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2017 09:04

I don’t see the issue as he didn’t want to publicly propose, as some folks think this is what the thread is about, it’s the fact he told her he had her ring, wasn’t going to propose at all and would “maybe” propose in a year. That’s nasty.

timeisnotaline · 14/11/2017 09:07

He has upset the op and it may need to have been intentional but it's bloody obvious why. Op, don't let yourself apologise for being upset or for not calmly explaining why instead of getting upset, that's not how getting upset because your bf said something really mean world. I am not sure what next steps are- you can't just move on because he has a ring and to leave it at 'might propose next year' is not ok. I think I would have to say there will he no marriage if we haven't agreed it well before then, I'm not a desperate pathetic woman to wait around for you.