To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

Shit that was long, sorry.

God how awful, I’d certainly very much distance myself from them if I could.

I’m sorry.
I think the best thing that you could do is sit down with your mum just the 2 of you and say how you really feel and say what has happened. If she isn’t interested , rip the band aid off

Yes it sounds as if you need to go no or low contact with your mother.

You’re doing very well though not pandering to it. So many bravos!!

Crikey that sounds horrendous. No advice, I'm sorry, just[ flowers]. Good luck, whatever you decide

Eurgh how awful. If it helps I don't think your mum's blinkers will come off easily. Perhaps write her a letter detailing why you don't want to be spending time with DS and drop it through her letter box? That way you can get everything out without her interrupting.

Tell them BOTH to go to hell. They are using you as a cash cow and have no genuine love for you. Bastards.

I have told my mum until I am blue in the face. I get hand wringing about my nephew & that I am nasty. He is 2. He doesnt care and spends most time in a cafe playing on the floor.

Ive distanced before and gone back and it has been ok for a very short time and then it starts again.

I really dont want to know now. At all.

Secret truth: it is almost always the parents' fault when siblings bully each other and don't get on. Your mothers job was to set the tone for you and your sister to get along, and call out any meanness or jealousy by either of you.

I wouldn't spend another penny on them, and what's more I would explain why and how you feel about both of them. Coldly and bluntly, but with no shouting or swearing.

I'm glad you've recognised that you need to cut them off.

I would have to go no contact with them both, your sister for the brutal physical violence, and your mum for effectively condoning it.

So sorry about what you've been through OP. I can sympathise about the jealous and spiteful sister and can confirm it never changes. Even when she tried to be nice, her real feelings come out in a flood of vile verbal abuse. She complains that I never go to see, I really think she is deluded. Distance, distance, distance.

cut the ties OP... they are draining the goodness from your soul and damaging your mental well being.... this is not healthy Lady .. take yourself out of this situation

YANBU. Fuck the lot of them, they sound awful and you will feel a lot better when you don't have to deal with them at all.

I would go no contact for your own well-being. I can't get over the idea that your sister kicked you and broke your tooth!!!! And yet your mum favours her? Bizarre.

Nc all round
I feel for you

Secret truth: it is almost always the parents' fault when siblings bully each other and don't get on.

Yes, I agree with this.

Sorry but they are just out for what they can get out of you.YANBU. I would go NC and either ignore any texts /phone calls or change your number.

I do hope you have some nice friends to make up for your awful family.

The tooth thing she doesnt believe me. I didnt tell her about it immediately and sis then lied and said I fell over.

Secret truth: it is almost always the parents' fault when siblings bully each other and don't get on.

That is true. It has begun to dawn on me recently that my mum encouraged us to fight and seemed jealous and angry when we got on. She saw it as a threat to the attention she got from each of us.

I would do the letter to your mum thing. I would go no contact but I would send xmas/birthday presents and cards just as normal! Then I would never feel bad about never seeing them again and they could never through that back in my face. End of.

kimmy is spot on with regards to your mother. She should have protected you and not let you become your sisters whipping boy.

Distance yourself from them all. Easier said than done. I was NC from my mother for 14 years, xmas is round the corner and it's going to be tough.

Your mum is enabling her still.

So lets say that your mum never saw any of the things that your sister did to you.

That would be one thing.

But them thinking that you should always pay for them as well as yourself?

What's that all about?

Your mum never wants to see you without your sister?

You're also responsible for your nephew-doesn't he have another parent?

They don't seem to care for you-just what use you can be

My mum has a persecution complex about herself and my sister and now my nephew. Which I am now fuelling I guess. Nephew does indeed have a father, mum says he is a shit father, my nephew doesnt have anyone in life (he has two parents, 3 grandparents, etc)

She tries to make me feel.guilty that he has a sad life, which he does not, to guilt me into buying him stuff.

She didnt see the teeth kicking but she sae ALOT of violent behaviour from my sister to me but she tells me now to grow up and move on.

They think i should pay for them as i have more money. But I work. My mum hasnt worked for half her life. My sister hasnt worked a full time job in almost a decade and her child is only 2.

True I have more money but why should I pay just because they didnt bother working.

Doesn't sound like a lot in it for you.

You are not responsible for your sister life choices.

Your wages you spend them on what you decide not them.

I would have walked into the cafe, ordered and paid for my order (takeaway) and then sat down very briefly and told them that this was the way of the future for them and that they should get used to it. (Then walk out and enjoy coffee with a smirk)
Bullies love to gaslight - I love how you are bullied, but they accuse you of victimising your dn. Fuck that. Just don't even try and justify that one.

Your sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat.
You cant fix your broken family, but you can leave and make your own life.