To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

Mummyoflittledragon that sounds thoroughly messed up! Are you likely to be bed bound for long? I hope you don't find yourself dependent on them, and hope you're well again soon.

Love your Christmas idea.

-where are you Drama
-I'm in the Maldives
-But its Christmas
-I know, I've grown up and moved on

You know what you don't have to defend yourself, I'm no contact with my mum. A lot of people who don't have abusive parents will not understand. You don't have to explain yourself to them, they haven't had that confusing relationship that draws you back in when they are nice to you again.

I say fuck your mum and your sister too. Do you live in on your own ?
Just don't answer their calls, get another phone if you have to, and don't go round. It will be the best thing you do for your mental health, I am now at the point where my mum texts me to say happy birthday and then that's it. It's fucking bliss

Thanks DamsonGin. I have ME/CFS. This year has been a difficult year and has taken a knock on my health. I was really ill in the beginning but progressively got somewhat better until the end of last year. So I’m hoping I will improve again. I have a lovely husband and 9 yo dd, who can be pretty helpful so no, I won’t ever have to rely on them thankfully.

Going NC with a parent is a big decision, but I can honestly say in my experience it has been the best decision I ever made, as the relationship with my mum was completely toxic and I know she will never change. My only regret was not making the decision earlier, but you live and learn. Strangely I went for a reading recently and my Nan came through and said the problems with my mum were not my fault, I said to the medium, I do know that, he said your nan wants you to know she knows, and what trouble my mum has always been and that she won’t change etc. that was validation for me! Good luck OP and make the right decision for you

Life is too short, they are too toxic, I bet your Mum prefers being with you both together as she may find your sister too demanding or needy alone and you take the pressure off her bullying your Mum when you are not there!
Not your problem, get away, enjoy your life and catch up with your Mum once a year, by then she will have missed you and be worn down by your unkind and unhappy sibling.
All the best

Mummyoflittledragon glad to hear you have a good DH! A close friend has suffered with CFS, has thankfully been well for a bit now but I know it can really lay you out. I hope you're able to distance yourself from your brother, that sounds quite scary.

Of course all siblings tease each other, we know that. That’s not what this is about. The issue is that the mother encourages it! My DD2 teases DD1 at times (they’re only 8 and 5 so it’s more understandable), but I pull her up on it, and teach them both that they must be kind to each other.

You really should just go NC and not let them do this to you anymore. Can you change your phone numbers?

If you go away at Christmas just be aware that they will escalate their behaviour to try and get you to return - Mum fainted/in hospital/possible stroke or heart attack

These people are arseholes and you need to properly get away from them

Actually their standard response is anger and to blank me for a while or be PA and say enjoy your fucking holiday. Then throw in my face how nasty ive been.

Silent treatment for a bit suits me

Talk to your Mum alone and tell her how it’s going to be. No other options. If she insists on forcing your sister on you, minimise contact.

I’m just saying that the more you respond differently by putting boundaries up the more they will look for different ways to manipulate

I’d hate for you to go on your holiday and get surprising calls about heart attacks and rush back

Block their numbers and enjoy a really long silence op!!

I would say no adult presents, but maybe get something for your nephew? It's not his fault!

Really don't worry about presents for 2yo. He's too young to notice and it's better for your peace of mind to have no contact.

Of course all siblings tease each other, we know that. That’s not what this is about. The issue is that the mother encourages it! My DD2 teases DD1 at times (they’re only 8 and 5 so it’s more understandable), but I pull her up on it, and teach them both that they must be kind to each other

^ This.
This is how I was with mine and now they're adults it's paid off I think I honestly think a Mum should do their utmost to foster good relationships between siblings, not play one off against the other.

hazell

In your original post, the first example of mean behaviour was pulling faces at you.

Does your brain only process first examples? OP goes on to say in her original post:

She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

I agree that you are gaslighting OP. I just hope you're not doing it to someone on real life. Please think before you post.

I was a golden child. I completely empathise with how my sister felt and still feels and the way it affected her life till now. I've done everything to keep our relationship strong and to parent my kids differently. To the extent that I keep everything ultra fair, buy the same things for them, gifts for everyone on siblings birthday, no hitting ever, very firm on bullying I won't have it. Op I can't imagine allowing my children to bully hurt or taunt each other regardless of age. Please stay away from these people

Wow, this has stayed with me op. How horrible for you and what a terrible childhood. You have to go no contact. You must be clear with your mum that you will see her only without your sister.

My eldest dd did some pretty horrible things to her sister when she was in her teens but nothing as bad as this. I blame myself totally for not intervening enough and trying to keep equilibrium in the home. Strangely enough they are very close now and I sometimes have to tell my youngest dd to distance herself a bit and devote more time to her partner etc.

I hope you have a nice life away from these two horrors, because that is what they are. The constant demands for money also stay with me because I suffered this and gave in, leaving me feeling awful. It still goes on at a lower level but I actively avoid putting myself in this situation.

What stands out is that it is never about you. You would like to see your mum by yourself where some focus is on you, but she facilitates your sister instead. You need to cut them off for your own well being.

OP - you do not need their (or *hazell's ) permission to go NC.

I am NC with my sister and father. I had my mum try to force a reconciliation between me and sister once or twice - I'd drive 2.5 hours there only to find her sitting at the dining table. She no longer does that tg but I do occasionally get 'but she's your sister' and 'I don't like to see sisters not getting on' and lately 'Do it for meeee'!

Nope.

No Contact is the way - they don't deserve you. Have a lovely time at christmas, block on social media, change your phone numbers.

Placenta
That’s so lovely to hear a gc recognise the pain of a scapegoat. I know you won’t have had it easy either. But in a different way.

Damson
Thanks. I’m staying right away. They are of course painting me as the unreasonable one.

I hope that counseling will how you cope with the fallout and feelings as you loosen contact.
I agree that you can't change them therefore you have to change your own actions and emotional reactions.

Two things.

1. Haven't been in touch with my mother for years, it's bloody lovely!
2. I had a row last night with adult dd (Caveat: a young 21 with an ASC so things not always as clear as they could be). We are friends now but it took us a while to sort. I was trying to let her know that her behaviour toward her sibling was bullying, unfair and uncalled for. That's my job as a parent. Situation resolved now and they've discussed it and worked out how to deal with things.

Mum smirks rolls her eyes and says here we go again, grow up and move on.

Take her at her word. Move on to a fabulous Christmas and life without them.