To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

Bullies love to gaslight - I love how you are bullied, but they accuse you of victimising your dn. Fuck that. Just don't even try and justify that one.

Wow I didnt see it that way.

The browbeat me and push me around and when I stand it no longer they accuse me of being nasty.

They are in for a surprise this Christmas. Im jetting off somewhere warm. I have not told them and doubt i will. They can find out when im there

BTW - a two year old isn't going to want to sit through a bloody show anyway.

What a fabulous decision! Enjoy your sunny Christmas! (You will find yourself able to enjoy a few more luxuries now you're not subsidising their lifestyle - and I bet they eventually end up treating you a bit more respectfully when you don't fall for their shit)

They are in for a surprise this Christmas. Ha ha! love it - well done Dramallama

Hope you're not buying any presents for your mother and sister this year. That will be another surprise for them.

I'd use the money on getting my tooth fixed.

Crikey your story sounds so familiar, only you know the best thing for you but I will say that after being in practically the same situation I have cut off my mother and sister and the relief I have felt is immense. The best bit of advice I can give you is stay strong, you are worth more than how they are treating you, it is upsetting and depressing but realistically are things ever going to change?? Chances are cutting them from your life will make you feel so much happier, concentrate on those that want to boost your self esteem not crush it! I wish you all the best.

I wouldnt tell them before you go. I wouldnt tell them when i was there. I wouldnt tell them when i got back. No contact is what you need. They bring nothing but misery to your life.

Hadnt thought of that. No presents. Even better.

I would cut ties. I cut ties with my mother and siblings. I never regretted it. Even when my mum died 10 years later. I didn't attend her funeral. She was a cruel woman and didn't deserve me in her life. I felt such a relief from the moment I walked away. Good luck OP

Your mother enabled someone to hurt her child. That’s actually horrific. That she enabled one child to hurt another is, well beyond horrific.

These people are related by blood, but she is not (nor has been) a mother to you. It was her job to protect you and she facilitate your harm.

I don’t know if there’s anything to gain from telling them how bad their treatment of you is, unless you want to say the words. Their reactions are unlikely to be satisfying.

But I’m loving your Christmas plan. Have a fabulous time and whatever you do, don’t feel a shred of guilt about it. They’re not going to be happy when they find out but put a barrier up in your brain and don’t let their inevitable BS in.

Oh and definitely don’t waste your life by having these specimens in it. Don’t feel obliged or bad out of some familial sentimentality to let them back in. Ever.

Your story and my story is incredibly similar. Except mine is elder brother. He was recently violent toward me and has threatened me at least twice that I recall over the past few years. Since a conversation we had last month, I now know my mother blames me for everything. According to her, he didn’t bully me as a child, it was me. When I told her last month of the vile sexual crap he and his friends subjected me to from early to late teens, she smirked (not physically touching btw). My brother tried to call me twice in the last week. I had the message from him via her that I should “be nice”. Wtf.

Last week, I screamed at my mother to fuck off about 10 times. It was amazing and I can thoroughly recommend telling yours too. It sounds childish perhaps from the way I describe it. But it wasn’t. It was the years of pent up hurt and rage of not being heard. The difference this time from when I’ve been angry before is that I’ve had a lot of therapy. And it was really the angry, present day me disgusted by her as a woman and a mother. Very cathartic.

Absolutely good on you for going away at Christmas. If you have the strength to go NC with your mother, I would. That is the only way you stop her from constantly trying to get the two of you together. My mother is the same. No boundaries. I wish I had the strength too.

Your mother and sister are disordered people who have no empathy for you and a cruel attitude. They aren't going to change so continuing to have contact with them is tantamount to masochism on your part. Accepting that you can't have relationships with them is painful but necessary for your own mental wellbeing.

Ive told them until Im blue in the face how I was treated by them.

Mum smirks rolls her eyes and says here we go again, grow up and move on.

I dont think she realised what I put up with. Mum was a lazy cow and often used to tell my sister to deal with me rather than do it herself. For example sleeping in. We even if we weren't going anywhere, out of bed at 8am. Why? She'd tell my sister to get me up, not realising my sisters way was to drag covers off, pull my hair and punch me on the back.

Her behaviour was also cruel and intimidating: there was no lock on the bathroom door and she would barge in when I was sitting on the toilet nearly every time. To ask me stuff that can wait, use the basin, etc. It was her way of allowing me no privacy.

She looked through my stuff, even as I was reaching 18 with letters or mail she would take mine, hold them up to the light and inspect them to determine what it was ans then bring it to me with an announcement as to what it was as if she didnt know she'd state it and stand in front of me waiting for me to open it.

She'd spy on me at school and college reporting stuff back home.

I have to say since i stopped fighting them and simply walk away for once in my life I am noticing a shift. They are really surprised and not sure what to do. Now being overly nice but as soon as I go back it starts again.

But what pisses me off is my mum continuing to force us together. Its driving me mad.

Dramallama21 - you are doing a great thing for yourself going away for Christmas without warning them. I would say no adult presents, but maybe get something for your nephew? It's not his fault!
I'm afraid it does sound as if your mother and sister think of you as a kind of meal-ticket. I think if I were in your shoes, I would probably "go low contact" with them, it seems safest for your sanity.

Your mother and sister are disordered people who have no empathy for you and a cruel attitude.

You know its true. I see it now, it's frightening to watch. They are both delusional.

Most of us have a healthy balance of self esteem and self blame. Eg we know when we have done wrong and accept it.

This lot act like appallingly and when it blows up in their face, they're the victim. They literally cannot (or know but dont admit) they brought this on themsleves.

My nephew has been allowed to break stuff in my home that hasnt been replaced. He is young enough he wont remember what he got or not.

I am thinking it more for a shock for them.

They sound awful and you'd be doing yourself a favour to disengage from them.

Assuming nephew is your sister's child, you're going to have to understand that you won't be able to have access to him without them being able to access you, no matter how you do it. So, heartbreaking as it is, you'll be disengaging from him aswell. And no, it won't be worth putting up with them to access him.

I had a similar situation once where it wasn't family but close friends who were the parents, I doted on the kid but in the end I had to cut ties as the parents/extended family were so bloody toxic it was impossible to just see the child without becoming involved with them in some way. It was hard, but in the long run it's improved my life.

By the way, don't sit around waiting for them to change, THEY WILL NOT. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Shocking them, provoking them will make them worse/escalate. They will not suddenly see the error of their ways and become lovely people, because they don't think they are wrong and they are not nice people in any way.

Sounds like a good plan for Christmas. Just make sure you tell someone- neighbours, friends. You don’t want your mother and sister starting a dramatic hunt for you when they can’t find you.

It does sound a bit as though you have stored up every bad thing your sister has ever done, because I am pretty sure that most of the things you listed in your post happened when you were kids?
If so, you just need to let it go. Siblings can be horrible to each other when they are young. Could your sister make an equally long list of things you did, even in retaliaton?
It also sounds as if your mum is trying to build bridges between you. she invites you round and then sister is there so that you have to talk to her.
i'm sorry but it does sounds as if you are a little jealous of your sister,
You don't have to pay for her though. If you go out for a meal with them, tell them at the start you don't have much money on you and they will need to chip in or run fast

You cannot change them OP , the only thing you can change is how you deal with them and how you let them effect you now.

You are not going to get an apology , unsolicited or otherwise , although I wouldn't be surprised if a faux apology is forthcoming after Christmas !

Oh op. I'm so sorry for your shit childhood

You sound amazing and strong. No thanks to your family. I love your Christmas idea. And yes to just cutting off after that.

I can't add any more advice. The lovely people of mumsnet have you covered I see! I think you also already know. Just wanted to add my cheers behind you and wish you a bloody awesome Christmas

I am pretty sure that most of the things you listed in your post happened when you were kids?

No.

Its continued but far too identifying to list all the adult stuff even with a name change. She remains a nasty using bully.

I will give one example when she was getting married, she sneered a d taunted that i was single and told me I was fatter than all the bridesmaids and id look out of place.

I told her to fuck her wedding and refused to be a bridesmaid. I stayed away from her on the day.

She taunts me about my weight, my relationships, you name it.

Have you seen this website? I think it'll all be very familiar to you.

In sorry they treat you like shit. Well done in the steps you've taken to distance youraelf already. And jetting somewhere warm sounds fucking brilliant.