To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

Could your sister make an equally long list of things you did, even in retaliaton?

No. Quite frankly. Not the vindictive cruel things she did. Not even allowing her privacy in the toilet, etc. Id never behave in such a cruel nasty manner.

I wouldn't write a letter it might get used against you
I'd just gradually lower contact. Get busier and busier so you've got less time to see them or speak/ text
Your not their cash cow op
your wages are all yours to spend as you decide

Hazell You were evidently the golden child in your family then, and have no idea what it's like to be the scapegoat. It's not about jealousy, it's about about realising that whatever you do will never be good enough...then you realise that the only way to get away from the crap is to distance yourself. It does help enormously when the parent who instigated it all dies.

I am in my 50s now, and still don't have a great relationship with my db as he talks to me at times like my Dad did, and it still makes me want to curl up and hide somewhere.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Wow 10 times!

What was your mums face like when you screamed?

It sounds so familiar. Your brother is nasty and you get told to be nice.

Sometimes in relationships the beginnings of who was at fault get lost in the mists of time and both sides feel hard done by. I don't doubt that you feel bullied by your sister, but look at the example you just gave:
She said you were single (a fact, not a taunt btw)
She said you were fat (mean)
You told her to fuck her wedding (mean)
You refused to be a bridesmaid and ignored her on her wedding day (petty)
I do think that perhaps both of you have a little growing up to do and if you can't be friends at least try to be civil for the sake of your mum who is clearly stuck between you and trying to build bridges.
Also, it is a nice idea for you to go away for Christmas, but by not telling them and leaving them to find out on the day, just stokes the fire. You need to be clear headed, rational and reasonable otherwise you appear the unreasonable one

It does sound a bit as though you have stored up every bad thing your sister has ever done, because I am pretty sure that most of the things you listed in your post happened when you were kids?
If so, you just need to let it go. Siblings can be horrible to each other when they are young. Could your sister make an equally long list of things you did, even in retaliaton?
It also sounds as if your mum is trying to build bridges between you. she invites you round and then sister is there so that you have to talk to her.
i'm sorry but it does sounds as if you are a little jealous of your sister,

We must be reading different threads Hazel, where do you see the OP sounding jealous of her sister? I think she sounds like she's been terrorised by her sister for years and cannot think of one excuse for that kind of behaviour.

OP, you absolutely need to cut ties with both of these toxic people. They will bring no joy to your life

She said you were single (a fact, not a taunt btw

So being told at least im getting married, no one wants you, stupid little pathetic singleton.

That's ok?

And im not within my rights to tell her to fuck her wedding?

Are you my sister?

You sound like her

You were clearly the golden child.

Hazel unless you have lived with a golden child you won't get it.

You have every right OP to cut her off but I would hesitate to say cutting your DM off too. Can't you just be like a broken record telling her again and again you are quite OK with seeing her but not your sister. Eventually it will sink in maybe...

My DSis (older than me) was really not what I would call a sister. She was golden child, I was the black sheep, and I always felt her and my DM were united together, and then there was me. She is quite a bit older so I honestly think she was jealous when I came along. I do not have one pleasant childhood memory of her. It honestly affects adult relationships because I know she would like to be closer to me than she is, but I just can't get that close, I don't want to. We talk lots, she will think we are close, but really we aren't, we are too different. We bonded when we both had kids (all now adults) and I can't fault her as a sister now, we are just very different people and when we talk about our parents it's like we didn't live in the same house!

OP, if this is still going on in adulthod you have every right to cut your Sis off.

Hazell You were evidently the golden child in your family then, and have no idea what it's like to be the scapegoat.

^ this is exactly what I thought Scary.

Hazel, the OP has given some pretty awful examples of how she has been treated, yet you're calling her petty and say she needs to grow up. Genuinely unbelievable...

No one needs that shit, you sound like you'd be a lot happier without them in your lives so much. Have a good Christmas holiday!

Good for you clawing back the control over your own life.

I also had a very difficult relationship with my sister. She also bullied me and was very controlling. (Not as bad as you experienced)

Luckily for me recently my mums respected why I don't want to spend oodles of time around her and admits she's difficult.

That acknowledgement has made a world of difference to how I feel about meeting up.

Just stop.
Don't go round, don't meet for coffee, don't call, don't reply
Just stop. They make you unhappy & bring you nothing positive.
For whatever reasons, right or wrong.
Only you can put an end to this

Oh, my first biscuit!
In your original post, the first example of mean behaviour was pulling faces at you.
Something every kid does, even you, I imagine. But you haven't let it go.
You said your sister said you were single. You didn't say 'stupid pathetic singleton' which clearly is nasty.
But you are an adult. You can walk away if you choose to. Without all the I'll show you drama.

Poor you. I would be tempted not to see them anymore, if nothing changes. What is your situation? Are you married? Do you have kids?

OP - I am currently NC with mum and sister for exactly the same reason too.... I am so relieved for a peaceful Christmas without fear and drama.

Good luck OP x

Also totally agree that your DM condoned all this and didn't try and foster a good relationship between you. Because of this, when I had two DDs who were so different in character, when they were little, I worked sooo hard at encouraging them to get on.

'Awww look at the lovely picture your sister has drawn for you'. 'Aren't you lucky having such a funny sister'. etc etc. My two (now adults) get on really well despite their different characters. I can never remember that as a child. My DMum had my older Sis at her side always and at times they both used to tease and laugh at me and that is a horrible feeling.

When my DM died, I did think 'right... you're on your own now' about my DSis because even when my Sis was adult my DM was still favouring her.

OP lots of us totally get what you are saying. Good luck with it.

In your original post, the first example of mean behaviour was pulling faces at you

Hazell of course every kid does this. But when you have a parent encouraging it, or laughing along, it's a whole different ballgame

She was shocked. And a bit afraid, I think. But I was so angry I hardly noticed.

Yes, the nastiness continues each time I see my brother and my mother. Not just the violence or threats from him. It’s the snyde put downs from them out of earshot of anyone else. It’s way my brother talks about me with his wife, which I walk in on. The condescending looks.

I am now absolutely petrified of my brother. I’ve been through hell the last couple of months coming to terms with the fact he genuinely wants to do me harm and I should just be nice. . I’m chroically ill and largely bed bound. So that prospect is really scary as I am too ill to just run away.

What I have recently learnt from my therapy is that my mother desperately needs my brother. My father was a workaholic so largely absent. He kept her narcissism under control to a certain extent. But he had no idea how my brother treated me and how she enabled it. And treated me badly as well. My father also lived vicariously through my brother so he gave him so many fab and cool things to have fun with. So my brother was terribly spoilt from both parents.

My mother has a quasi incestuous relationship with him. When my father died when I was 16 and brother 18, he was made man of the house. And she got closer to him and leant on him further. because she has set up the situation of needing him, she always needs him to be good. And she needs me to be bad. Because deep down inside in a place she keeps locked away, she hates part of herself. And she can’t deal with this, so she rejects it and projects it onto me. So I can personify everything bad about herself and she can reject me instead. Thus she can see herself as all good.

Idk if that information will help you to decipher your mother’s motives.

Rousette, I don't think OP said that in her original posts or subsequent ones, unless i missed something. I did try to read the whole thread carefully.
However, it was not my intention to be in any way goady in my comments and I will withdraw from this discussion.
OP, I hope that you can find peace, with or without your family

hazell I'm pretty sure the OP didn't say that either. But she has said that her DM did not encourage a good relationship between her two daughters so chances are....

hazell42 stop trying to gaslight the OP

You know what you need to do drama. Life gets so simple when you step away and don't allow yourself to be put through the wringer any more. Also please ignore goady fuckers on the internet. Most people on your thread absolutely get it. When you walk away, you spoil their game. They have no one to bully. So you come back, and they are relieved and after a short time they resume the familiar pattern of treating you like shit. They don't know how to manage without you, but it's nothing to do with loving you. In fact it's nothing to do with you at all. They don't know you at all. Just walk away and be around people who want to know you

I’d just go no contact to be honest. They use you as a cash cow but really have no use for you. You can do much better without them.

Yeah exactly about Hazell.

I give examples of being punched in the back for having a lie in, not allowed to go to the toilet without her walking in on me every time. And hazell focuses on face pulling.

The face pulling was when we were at secondary school and she'd pull a face and say this is how ugly you look. I dont mean 3 year-olds pulling faces

But there is always one who takes the lightest example and says it isnt that bad when i have ready given other appalling examples of abuse.

In my experience, people who condone or excuse this kind of behaviour, can quite frequently display it themselves in their treatment of others.

OP you'll be fine without them, you really don't need them.