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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum to fuck right off?

190 replies

Dramallama21 · 11/11/2017 21:52

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama21 · 12/11/2017 22:02

Usually at mums who pleads poverty so although she hosts and cooks, Ive paid for everything including the tree and food.

It drives me mad when my bil thanks my mum for her hospitality as Ive paid it all. My sister never hosts, her and my bil are so tight fisted.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 12/11/2017 22:06

NC

Simple.

Original poster
Dramallama21 · 12/11/2017 22:09

Oh and sis and BIL place orders for food too from my mum at xmas so that gets passed onto me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama21 · 12/11/2017 22:10

Ive been to my sisters once for Christmas. When speaking of food they asked if there was anything I wanted and then I was told to bring it with me.

OP posts:
shakeyourcaboose · 12/11/2017 22:47

I think whatever you do, they will try and cause issues, so you may as well abandon them to their awful news and have a fabulous warm joliday! Can Imagine if you stay and do not pander to their every whim, there'll be lots of sighed martyrdom about their sadness! Fuck 'em!

Original poster
Dramallama21 · 12/11/2017 22:54

Ive stayed before and refused to pander and its been a rotten experience.

Its going to be hell this year. Absolute hell. Far worse than any Christmas before. Family stuff I wont go into.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 12/11/2017 23:06

I was going to ask if you funded Christmas for them.

TBH, that you do fund Christmas is another reason why I wouldn't bother telling them that you are going away.

AuntieBeast · 12/11/2017 23:58

I would sit down with them at the coffee ship, have a glass of water, then afterward say you haven’t brought your wallet and swan out.

Original poster
Dramallama21 · 13/11/2017 00:23

@AuntieBeast that is my sisters favourite. Once going for take away, she had no cash and it was cash only.

I said you.go.here once a week, you knew it was cash, how did you plan on paying? Oh you didnt.....

She didnt reply. Remorseless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama21 · 13/11/2017 00:24

I was a guest of hers at the time and just paid the tickets to what she invited me to.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 13/11/2017 01:03

Stop forking out for this pair of nasty scroungers.

justilou1 · 13/11/2017 01:25

I would wait until you get the shopping lists for Christmas and answer, "Oh, I won't be here.... didn't I tell you?", hand the list back and leave them wondering. (If they push, just say "I'm going away this year.") Maybe (if you're feeling particularly spiteful) send the whole family a Christmas Card and a photo of your feet by the beach next to a lovely cocktail.)

picklemepopcorn · 13/11/2017 06:12

Its going to be hell this year. Absolute hell. Far worse than any Christmas before. Family stuff I wont go into.

No it isn’t. You aren’t going to be there, are you! Don’t go, have a holiday.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/11/2017 07:05

Oh and if you haven't booked the holiday yet/debating if you can afford to go, you can still tell them you are going on holiday (just not seeing them might be like a holiday!)

ArgyMargy · 13/11/2017 07:52

Your situation sounds horrible but like some others I really can't get my head around why you tolerate their behaviour. If you don't want to spend your money (that you could be saving for any number of things) on them why do you constantly pay for their food and entertainment? And by the way "no contact" means that you don't inform them of all your plans and then engage in massive dramas about them not liking your plans.

To be honest it seems that you do like the drama. Or like that you have money and they don't so they are reliant on you.

AlternativeTentacle · 13/11/2017 08:09

I think I will put it out there fairly soon.

No - no no no no no!

Don't do this. Just go. It will give them ammunition and time to reel you back in/flying monkeys/medical emergencies/ad infinitum.

Original poster
Dramallama21 · 13/11/2017 08:30

The christmas thing is only in the few years that a major relationship broke down for me. He cheated.

In a perverse way they think they're doing me a favour as Id be alone at Christmas otherwise. But then they treat me like shit at Christmas doing what they want and stating their demands as they know i have nobody else to spend it with.

I have repeatedly said Id rather be alone but told not be nasty and to spend it with my family....in other words the paymaster general is needed for our Christmas.

This year is going to be hell at Christmas as i dont care if this is outing now. My sister is getting divorced instigated by her husband because of DV on her part. For anyone that doubts how she treated me it would appear it's a habit for her. But of course it's not her fault. He's the bad guy. I cannot stand a christmas of listening to this.

OP posts:
YellowFlower201 · 13/11/2017 08:43

It sounds like you’re doing the right thing by going NC OP. I wouldn’t give them notice of your holiday though. The more notice they have the more time they have to pressure you.
Enjoy a calm and peaceful Christmas. Personally I’d send nephew a gift but I think you can assess the situation better.

ptumbi · 13/11/2017 08:51

Really OP - step away from the drama. Don't answer the phone/texts/,door starting now!!!

Don't tel them you are going away. Don't tell them you are not funding christmas - start distancing your self now.

Otherwise you run the risk of getting drawn in by being the 'nice guy', 'don't be mean', 'christmas means family' discussions.

If they can't reach you, can't get hold of you, they can't draw you in. Stop engaging.

Send the nephew a gift, so they can't use that against you - but only something small. He's only 2.

It helps in my case that I live 120 miles away. If I didn't, I'd move!

littlebird77 · 13/11/2017 08:55

No or low contact. Don't fret about christmas, just buy your nephew a nice gift, and pop into your Mums with a breezy merry christmas for a 20 minutes visit and make alternative arrangements with people that genuinely care for you. To be honest you would be better on your own or working for a food bank than spending time with them on xmas day.

There does not need to be a huge drama, and don't allow them to make one. Just in and out and cheery as you can manage.

You don't need to cut all contact, you can take the biggest step backwards and start enjoying your life. If they start making a drama for attention turn off your phone/don't answer the door and make yourself entirely unavailable. But you must do this for the right reasons and not to create drama yourself. You must do it to protect your life and future.

As the months go by you will start to feel much much better, after the initial pain of separation. I should know I have just done the same. It is tough, you will have moments of weakness, but you can not carry on as you are. So in a way you are preserving yourself and your mental health, and you are always preserving what is left of your relationship with them by putting it on the back burner and not waiting for the inevitable showdown.

Low or no contact. Build strong relationships elsewhere and slowly freeze them out.

randomer · 13/11/2017 08:56

Mother is narcissistic. Sister is golden child.

picklemepopcorn · 13/11/2017 08:58

There's a bit of ignorance on here about abusive dynamics... just stand up for yourself. Don't let them...

TheletterZ · 13/11/2017 09:07

What a horrible situation. I think no contact is the only way to go now. If you try low contact, they will try to pull you back in and eventually they will succeed.

You will need to be very strong willed though, change phone numbers, return letters and really have no contact. But your life will be better for this.

And unfortunately that means your nephew as well. You say your sister is being divorced due to DV, maybe contact her ex and offer some support and if you feel it is needed (and she has the main residency of the child) you have a responsibility to contact social services and let them know what is happening.

Original poster
Dramallama21 · 13/11/2017 09:08

All my life her behaviour to me has been lied about and / or minimised.

Now it's happening again --in relation to her
husband--

They're both mad. Its making me ill. I cant stand it I wont listen to it. Its dredging up alot of old memories seeing them be and unstoppable force again backing each other up.

Im the bad one but they're happy to take my money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dramallama21 · 13/11/2017 09:10

I dont want to discuss my sisters marital issues and please dont mention again as its outing.

They havent been together that long. About 6 years, considering they have a 2 year old. I dont think he knew her. Rest assured its all dealt with and no i am not having contacy with bil. Imagine if they found out? Fuel their persecution complex and make myself wven more of a scape goat.

Im protecting myself from all of this for the first time in my life.

OP posts: