To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

mumoflittledragon thank you. I'm v careful about it because this leaves long lasting damage. My sister has not reached her full potential in life. Being told you're stupid throughout childhood causes this. The golden child is encouraged to collude or watch. i wouldn't then and I won't now

Distance and then write a letter to them both. It will give you the space to say exactly how you feel without it turning into an argument.

meet them for coffee. pay our bill but not theirs then say goodbye for the last time. You are worth so much more op.

The information keeps getting worse (and it was bad at the start). The people are literally toxic. Not some ind of Facebook meme, but literally poison.

You would (I assume) not have a friend who treated you like this.

Would you stay in touch with an enemy who treated you like this?

It’s a big step to go truly NC but out of personal experience I highly recommend it. I’ve got virtually no “family” left, none anywhere near geographically, and while sometimes I get sad, it’s AMAZING to be rid of the stress. Utterly incredible. Even things I hadn’t realised stressed me at all I noticed after I went NC. Example: my mother’s birthday would be a major stress to get the correct gift. I hadn’t realised I spend 6 weeks every single year stressing in case I upset her. And then there’s Mother’s Day, Christmas and even Easter! I had no idea until I cut her out just how much she impacted me negatively.

I don’t know if you can afford to see a counsellor to help you through this but if you can I highly recommend it.

Don’t tell them where you’re going at Christmas, just tell them you’re going away/won’t be there/have other plans. Don’t give them ANY info about your life. It gives them something to hook into and attack you with.

They sound horrible! What other things do they expect you to pay for?

What normally happens at Xmas-just out of interest?

I'm going to go against the grain a bit here and say that I think you should do what your Mother says:

"she tells me now to grow up and move on"

...and wave them goodbye from your rear-view mirror

You don't have to tell them what's what, explain, settle any scores, send birthday cards etc etc etc. You can just walk away.

Its really quite sad that so many people with hazell42's views exist.

For years people like the OP have been ignored and had their feelings twisted, and are gaslighthed in to thinking that if only they had done something different or been better.

Whilst those that should be told not to behave like nasty twats get excuses made for them over and over again. Meaning that they will never change or be the better person because those that should knoe better protect them.

OP in the end the only person that you are responsible for is you, ignore the claims of being petty and live the life that you deserve and not the life of servitude that others think that you should have.

Wow...yadnbu. Your examples are more extreme than my situation growing up as it has continued into your adult life but I relate to much of what you say. My brother was an abusive bully to me growing up and my mother minimised it all the time. She was actually a wonderful mother but definitely had blinkers on when it came to my brother who was older than me by six years and who treated me appallingly. He hit me, called me names, enjoyed humiliating me and regularly told me what an embarrassment I was to him and how his life was happy until I came along. He never showed me a scrap of affection or respect, only utter contempt. It left me feeling like a piece of shit and was pivotal in crushing my self esteem and causing me problems as a grew up. I loathed myself believing I was unworthy of kind regard and I ended up accepting some terrible treatment from others as I had 'victim' stamped on my forehead.

I also wasn't allowed to have a negative opinion (or indeed any opinion) about the way he behaved towards me either. I too was supposed to 'let it go' and 'stop harking back to the past' whenever I tried to discuss what I had been through as a child with my mother. I suspect she didn't want it cast up because she would have had to admit I had been abused by him under her eye. She died 12 years ago and I miss her very keenly...but while she was loving and supportive otherwise, she never did acknowledge his abuse.

It finally ended after he thumped me hard in the head when I was 18 and he was 24. I told him (and I meant it) that if he ever laid a finger on me again I would call in the police and have him charged for assault. He knew I was serious and he never hurt me again. Funnily enough I now have quite an amiable relationship with my brother at 42 and 48. He is pretty nice to me and generous to my kids and has apologised for his past behaviour acknowledging it as dreadful conduct on his part. He feels genuine remorse and shame for marring my childhood with mental and physical abuse. I wouldn't say I love him but we get on ok. What a shame my bloody mother couldn't own up to her mistakes as well...it blighted what was otherwise a great relationship.

I feel for you, I really do. If both your mum and sis are determined to keep this dynamic of you being their fall out boy going, you would be far better off without either of them. It's such a lack of respect.

God that was long. Sorry. Didn't mean to be all 'me me me'.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks (no offence :)) Just distance yourself and be too busy to attend events, maybe the odd one, just to check if you have made the right decision and if are still harping on with the same attitude. You don't have to cut yourself off, your nephew would suffer. Just keep them at arms length AND don't pay for anything else unless you charge them top interest rates

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

You’ve tried and tried and they use your desire to have a semi normal family as a stick to beat you with

The nephew is their current weapon of choice as they know it’ll tweak your heart strings

You have to let them all go. Nc for the lot of them, no cards, no calls (change your numbers and email)

Go on your holiday and never look back.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE update us or make a thread so we know how your holiday and Christmas go?

We’re all rooting for you.

Have you checked out the Stately Homes thread?

I’d not put up with that shit wick behaviour.
People take the piss if you let them.

"It finally ended after he thumped me hard in the head when I was 18 and he was 24. "

Disgusting that he carried on treating you like this as an adult.

You'd have thought that he realised by then that it was not acceptable, even if your mum let it go.

I agree with the others you should work on them not being part of your life anymore - however - are they expecting you at Christmas?

In which case you should tell them you are going away, do it by text on the day you go, a breezy "just at the airport, have decided to jet off for Christmas. Will be back in 2018." Then switch off your phone. If you don't tell them, they sound like the types to create a "worried drama", roping in friends, colleagues, police and possible press. They will be concerned about you and you will be the one in the wrong.

Inform them you won't be about, then don't answer messages or calls. If they leave voicemails, delete. Agree there may be a "mum's sick!" "Dn has suspected serious illness!" Drama. So don't listen or believe it. Remind yourself that even if it's true, you aren't a doctor so it makes no difference if you come home early or not.

&I hope you have a nice life away from these two horrors, because that is what they are. The constant demands for money also stay with me because I suffered this and gave in,*

Oh yeah it's money with me too. Invite me somewhere and leave me with the bills for it all.

As a guest in my sister house she wants a takeaway and leaves me the bill. In my house she wants a take away and paid for.

Christmas I get browbeaten and bullied to do what they want. They place orders for presents and I get rubbish and they treat me like crap. Oh i get all the bills at Christmas too for what they want because they are poor.....go and work then is my attitude.

Hazel, how dare you minimise what the op is going through and gaslight her to put the blame back on her!

I am in a situation where I am no contact with a family member, blood related to Dh. And the absolute worst thing for me is being told to "ignore it and move on!"
But I can't bloody move on as she keeps coming back like a bad penny. Every time she does/says something nasty I'm not supposed to defend myself, say nothing, do nothing so as to keep the peace. I get that Dh is stuck in the middle so i don't mention half of what has gone on. Because he will minimise it and tell me to just ignore it!,
but by ignoring it she continues with her vile behaviour but then act like nothing happened in the first place.
It's taken me a long time to be able to go no contact, i guess out of guilt towards Dh, I tried low contact first for a few years but that didn't work so made the decision to go completey NC. I bowed out quietly with no drama or mud slinging just stopped.

My mental health has taken a battering over this and has been no where near as bad as your situation op, but seriously for your own sake and sanity I think you do need to go nc with both of them.

This will be the hardest thing you will have to do, they will try to reel you back in in every which way they can think of.
They will discredit you at every turn and play the victim (although they are doing this already) they will make things difficult but will never take responsibility for anything.

But one thing I can tell you is to stay strong, never ever let anyone make you justify yourself. You know how you have been treated and you know how you feel. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are wrong.

You didn't do this.......they did!

Yanbu. There’s some terrible advice on this thread because I suspect that these posters didn’t grow up with abuse.

At the end of the day, you can’t change other people. They aren’t going to change this habit of a life time and even have you paying for the privilege of being abused- madness!

You know what happened. The good news about this is that you’re an independent adult so don’t need them. For your own good, stay away from these people who only want your money and physical presence so that they can abuse you.

If you want to, write a letter but it’s only going to serve as fuel for their anger and something for them to laugh at. They don’t care about your feelings.

Does anyone get the feeling that their family dont like them but at the same time go crazy if you avoid them

The thing is they only want you there for their convenience. To discuss their issues a and their problems. They are not actually interested in you personally.

Worth remembering OP, that even if (and it's a big "if") Hazel is right, and it was "6 of one, half a dozen of the other" when you were kids, it doesn't follow that being blood relations mean you owe them your time, money and mental energy now. You don't like them, they treat you badly now, that's good enough reason to not be available when they want to meet up. If you don't want to spend your money on them, that's a good enough reason not to, even if they'd treated you perfectly growing up.

You don't owe them anything and you are allowed to walk away, without needing to prove to yourself or anyone else that it's "bad enough" - not wanting to is enough.

Tell them that you won't be there at Christmas - you don't have to tell them before the day you go, nor tell them where you are going, politeness would be to say you aren't coming for Christmas if they would expect you to be there, but you don't owe them more than politeness, and you are informing, not asking permission.

Completely Dramallama21 I am NC with both my siblings but cannot quite get there with my mother, although it's phone, text and exchanged presents only - so it's bearable. My life is infinitely better for not seeing sister's name flash up on my phone knowing she was always after something which I wouldn't get back and fed on my inexplicable need to please (which was never acknowledged or appreciated of course.)
Go NC - as pp has said and I back up - the only regret you will have is that you didn't do it years earlier x

I do recommend the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board, OP, you’ll get advice and support on there, without the unhelpful comments you get on AIBU.

You don’t need to feel guilty about having nothing more to do with them.

Yes drama, that's normally how I feel.

Things came to a head with my family just over 6 years ago and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationships aren't the normal kind. I'm completely nc with my younger nasty sister, dm is mainly respectful of this as she has had similar however at times blames me 100% for our fall out, df thinks as I'm older I should suck it up. Dm gets a stock response now of 'I admitted my part a long time ago, until sister does the same then there's no moving forward'. I think deep down my dm knows my sister will always twist things to look the victim, but has facilitated it for so long largely over me, she's stuck continuing it.

I've realised my df doesn't know me at all, he's got ideas of what I am but he's so polarized in his views that he can't get beyond if you're not x then your y without realising there's also many other letters. I finally stand up for myself now and say no very often to df. This year I've also told him to fuck off as he made my dhs recent illness all about him, and I snapped. My pils were thankfully wonderful at the time, and just waited for me to contact them if there was news. Notably when i was ill a few years back, he contacted my dh once in a fortnight. He wasn't chasing me through concern for DH, he was enjoying brow beating me because I wasn't doing what he wanted me to do.

They want me to play the doting daughter. They weren't and arent particularly doting parents to me at least. But they need to keep appearances up so they look repsectable and that's more important than anything else.

Distance can be a massive healer as well as time, even if it's not physical distance.

Whilst those that should be told not to behave like nasty twats get excuses made for them over and over again - totally.

I am constantly being told that my sister 'is just like that', 'she doesn't mean it' and lately 'she can't even rememebr what she said...'

Doesn't matter. She is not someone I want in my life. No-one is in my life if they don't bring something positive to me.

Re Christmas - If they ask, and you are safe saying so,I'd tell them. If they ask. Otherwise, if you normally go to theirs, I'd drop a text from the airport. And then never contact them again.

I

I am constantly being told that my sister 'is just like that', 'she doesn't mean it'  and lately 'she can't even rememebr what she said...'
If I had a penny for every time I'd heard something like that I'd have been able to afford to be in a paradise papers tax dodge