To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

If they weren't your family, you'd have ditched them long ago.

Sometimes your friends are more of a family than your blood relatives, and I think you would be quite right in going NC with the pair of them.

Don't contact BIL - it (the divorce) is nothing to do with you. Crap advice.

There's a bit of ignorance on here about abusive dynamics... just stand up for yourself. Don't let them - also crap. 'Don't let them'? Just distance and silence will do the talking for you. You don't need to 'stand up to them' - that is fuelling the drama and justifying the violence, in their eyes. Don't meet fire with fire - it will end badly for you. Step away. Far away.

ANd def check out the Stately Homes thread for real advice.

This is why you have to drop all contact with them, they are toxic and you are worth so much more. They are not going to change their behaviour, they might for a very short time to reel you back in but it will start again.

They are abusers and abusing you.

You need to get out and stay out.

Do you have friends that can offer you support? Also, see your gp, they are making you ill and that needs help with.

Its only over the last year or two ive noticed dont fight them on it, walk.

As soon as I walk away they are surprised. Surpised i dont care and am willing to walk

I know you didn't want to mention your sister's marriage again, but I think what you said about not being able to deal with her victim status when you know the truth is key here. It sounds like the thing that's finally broken you.

Don't get involved, you're very right there. But please consider getting yourself some counseling, use the money you won't be spending on them for Christmas. Her treatment of you clearly isn't something for you that's healed, at least not in a fashion where it wasn't easily torn by the news about bil.

Please look after yourself. It's time someone did.

Also being alone at Christmas won't be as bad as being with them, I promise you.

I am glad that you are getting away for Christmas and I hope that you have a good time - far away from being the cash dispenser for their unreasonable demands.

I would still get nephew a present from somewhere that delivers - preferably after you have jetted away!

I definitely agree that you shouldn’t tell them you’re not going to be there, just book somewhere you want to go, arrange for a present to be delivered to your DN and leave it at that.

Leave them to their drama.

littlebird77 has got it spot on. Very good advice there.

Sadly like many others I have a similar problem. I am working towards NC, currently LC and finding that works very well for me. You sound like you love your DM so maybe something can be worked out.

About the holiday. Is either your DM or your DSis your next of kin? If so a quick text just before you go away, no dramas or anything just statement of fact. Gives them much less ammunition to play with if something does go wrong.

Another thought, they haven’t got keys to your house have they? If so get the locks changed! Never let them in your house, much easier to walk away if you are on neutral ground than turf them out of yours.

OP I'm sorry you have had this with your family. With disgusting people like this you have to protect yourself and your mental health first and foremost. I am NC with a cousin for 5years now, who I was previously very close to due to horrendous verbal abuse and physical threats to me and my family. After years of doing this to each member of the family and getting away with it only his dad speaks to him now. My life is so peaceful now.
My mum said to me never write a letter in anger as it will always get shown to others and used against you.
Enjoy your xmas.

OP,

I think after Xmas, which I hope is nice and peaceful, I'd seriously consider moving away. Some physical distance may also help with the mental distancing.

Obviously, that's something that could take time, depending on circumstances, and you may not be able to do it. But your DM and DS are toxic bullies who don't deserve you. Please do consider NC, not just LC, and some counselling may also help.

OP I really feel for you and you have my sympathy. I won’t bore you too much with my story but suffice to say I am nc with my dm and have been for 6 years now and it has improved my life dramatically.

The good news is that all you have to do to go nc with your dm and Ds is NOTHING - I.e. Don’t answer the phone or the door to them, don’t reply to texts or voicemails. Don’t tell them via any method you are going nc with them or why - you don’t need to, you owe them nothing. Don’t tell them you are going on holiday. Tell them nothing. When it comes to them - do nothing.

The slightly less good news is that it’s not easy, and the reason it’s not easy is because you are clearly a decent person, and decent people feel guilty about ignoring people (even awful abusive people) and that does take some time to get used to. I used to think people would think badly of me (after all what sort of person doesn’t care about their own mother right?) but that was partly down to my dm and her training me into thinking I was a bad person who people would think badly of. Therapy/counselling will really help with this aspect and I strongly recommend it as well as the stately homes thread on here.

Two of my mantras are ‘nobody else can make you feel any way at all unless you let them’ if someone behaves in a shitty way to you - you can choose whether that makes you feel bad or not. You are in control of your feelings - no one else. The other one is ‘Sometimes the only way to win the game - is to stop playing the game’ - particularly relevant here. Good luck OP

OP, is your nephew safe? Your sister is an abusive twat!

Yes nephew safe. Very

Completly agree with Kimmy. My dad encouraged nasty competition with my sister and I it was horrendous. Luckily we were both able to see through his bull and both dont speak to him now but have a great relationship with each other.

Op cut these two off they dont give a ff about you other than being a cash cow. I feel for your nephew but these ppl will bleed you dry.

Truthfully I would go NC. If you want a relationship with DN going to you STX BIL. Those women are toxic and it’s wasting your time, energy and money keeping in touch with them.