To tell my mum to fuck right off?

[Dramallama21]

Ive name changed for this.

My sister and I have always had a very very bad relationship. She the elder, the bully, the nasty one. She teased and taunted me every chance she got completely unprovoked. Examples being, pulled faces at me when she walked passed me and said that is how ugly you are, went on and on about how stupid I was and clever she was and I used to put my hands over my ears and she'd smirk at me and pull my hand away and shout the rest of it down my ear so i had to listen. She was violent, punched, kicked, pulled hair. She kicked me in the face once when I was lying down reading and broke one of my front permanent bottom teeth. It stains easily now as it is broken.

She belittled everything I did and cannot stand it when I did well. Everything is about her. She has offered no kindness or support whatsoever when I was going through hell with ill health and other problems.

Mum has selective memory and my sister is and always has been favoured. My sister hasnt bothered to work for years so mum expects me to pay and so does my sister.
Examples of that being I am.invited to an event by my sister in her town and I will then be left with the bill for tickets and food, when they invited me.

There is a show on at christmas my nephew would love. My mum reckons sis has no money. I knew where it was going so I said oh well. Mum goes on Cant you take us? No! Cant you just take your nephew in, the two of you? Mum is there a part of I am not paying for it, that you dont understand?

My sister talks of nothing but herself from the second you meet her to the second she leaves. I cant stand it and Id rather not see her at all.

The thing is my mum wont leave it out. She thinks I am being cruel. She keeps forcing it on me. Invited to mums, get there and sisters car is there so I drive on. She did it again today, invited me for coffee, I arrive and they are all there again. I walked out of the coffee shop. I get angry texts telling me how nasty I am.

I have no wish to sit on a coffee shop and be treated to an hour of my sisters whinging about herself and then be left with the bill.

Im going to have to cut my mum off as well arent I?

Do you know what OP? It's high time you stopped treading on eggshells around them. After all the physical, mental and emotional shit your sister put you through, coupled with the fact that your mum encouraged it, who fucking cares if you go nuclear on their arses, give them what for about the shit they put you through and then go NC with all of them? In fact, I'd simply congratulate you all the way on that.

Stop letting them use you as a meal ticket. They're adults. If they can't afford/be arsed to pay for their own stuff, then they shouldn't be going out. It's their responsibility as an adult is to stand on their own 2 feet, pay for their own things (dinner, presents, a cuppa out etc), and not expect anyone else to pay for their bill. Their sense of entitlement is shocking, and unfortunately you have been a participant in enabling it. BUT, you can give them the heads up by telling them that they can pay for their own meals/coffee/tea out, from now on. If they don't like it, TOUGH.

If your sister and mum were decent people, they wouldn't be using your DN as a weapon/bargaining tool, to get what they feel they are entitled to from you. You aren't their bank and you owe them nothing.

So come back and let us know what your holiday was like OP, and forget about your mum and sister for that period.

Oh, and bring us all back a stick of rock . Just kidding. Just go and enjoy yourself .

They are both toxic. Nc you’ll be happier.

I keep thinking about the William Morris quote, but paraphrased;

Have nothing no one in your house life that you do not know to be useful helpful, or believe to be beautiful kind.

Turn around and walk away, head held high. You need not JADE (Justify, Apologize, Defend or Explain) anything to these wretched people. Nothing you say or do will make the least iota of difference, so why waste your precious energy and feelings trying?

Remember that a real family is made up of people who love and value us and whom we love and value in return. It has nothing to do with 'blood' or 'being related'. If you haven't already, go and find your real family.

Thank you all for your kindness

Lol at the rock! I shall update you though

They sound awful. The only odd thing isn’t why you are still putting your hand in your pocket and paying for them!? Enough!

Because i make good money. I can actually afford it.

But then they expect it and dont appreciate it.

Don't put anything in writing.

They'll never see your point of view anyway, so don't give them something to pick over and criticise.

Have a great Xmas!

Do you know WHY they do it OP?
Because they can.

I am NC with 2 sisters and LC with 1. After many years of being treated like shit, I came to the conclusion that they simply don't like me. I realised any relationship I had with them, would always be about me meeting their needs, and they would just trample all over me. I discovered that I no longer cared about what they thought.

I've had 3 years of peace, and it's been fucking marvellous.

Freeloaders aren't family.

My bunch have their faults but we sometimes argue about who is paying the other way around.

They seem like they are very much in cahoots with each other, the more you contact them the more fodder you give them to manipulate you/ slag you off behind your back .

So good to hear that you are ready to cut contact and to realise that they only want to see you to a) sponge off you b) talk about themselves and c) get a nasty high from being very cruel to you. You sound a bit like Cinderella!

I hope you have a lovely peaceful time from now on and a wonderful Christmas!

You have also been trained to believe what they want, what keeps your mum and sister happy and not giving you hassle, is what you need to do. You have been lead to believe that you need to spend time with them, and then when you are doing that, it has to be in a way that stops them from giving you hassle. Your sister and mum act like they have a right to all your resources, time, attention etc, you being expected to just pay for takeaways if you are there is the same mindset of you not having a right to go to the loo in peace. They see themselves as having rights over space and resources, you "have to" just fit in with that.

Except you don't.

Invisible kitten
That makes a lot of sense. This is how I have been with my brother, sil and mother. Just fit in and shut up. Don’t argue. Contort myself in every possible way. Try to please them to avoid nasty digs, back stabs and attacks. Well trained pony to do tricks really. This is why I didn’t see how he and his friends treated me as so very wrong.... and worrying.

They see themselves as having rights over space and resources, you "have to" just fit in with that.

Yup. Every Christmas I get basically told what is expected of me and what they want and every year I think after it is all over, what did I get out of that? Money and upset is all Christmas means to me.

They state their demands and want me to go along with it.

I have made progress this year in that I have begun to back away. If I see my sister I walk away. I havent actually seen her for almost 3 months now. I dont have text contact with her either.

They will be in for a big surprise when this year not only do I not spend it with them, they get no presents and have to fund Christmas themsleves.

I think I will put it out there fairly soon. That I am going away for Christmas and that's that.

I wont then say another word about it, pack my bags and leave.

You’re doing very well, OP, hope you have a really happy Christmas doing what you want to do for a change.

Be prepared for them possibly being extra nice to you. Don’t fall for that act if it happens, it won’t last once you’re back to doing what they want.

I seriously would block them or change your telephone number and not tell them your new number.

I think I will put it out there fairly soon. - way too soon!

Give it another couple of weeks at least. I'd go for mid-Dec. Otherwise there is just too much scope/time for blackmail, flying monkeys, abuse and more.

No, don't give them a lot of lead time. You're still giving them too much time to bombard you with shit and abuse. You just don't need that.

TBH I'm ornery enough that I'd string them along with 'um-hmm' and 'sure I will' right up until I left for the airport. Then I'd send a breezy text "So sorry, an opportunity came up that was too good to miss. I'm off to for the next XX days. Oh, and I'll be turning my phone off to avoid extra charges.

Would it work if you waited for the Christmas pressie requests - maybe ignore the first few - then just say 'Oh no pressies this year - I'm away.'

Don't say sorry!!

don't give them a heads up about your plans just do it !! and dont say sorry either , go away and have a fab time and dont give them a first second or even third thought, they deserve fuck all
have a great time :)

If you do meet up, pre pay your tab. And stress to staff they are too pay their own way. Good luck

have to fund Christmas themselves.

Do they usually come to yours? Or how do they get you to fund it?

Yep I agree with the poster ..Wait till Christmas lists ( demands) come in..No presents I will be away.