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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
VioletCharlotte · 09/11/2017 21:34

Oh my goodness, not sure what I'd do, but what a horrible situation you're in Flowers

missiondecision · 09/11/2017 21:37

Yes. Ywbu to leave her.
I have some experience of this and I personally could not leave her. Not because I wanted to “reward” her self harming, which is what it is, but because I couldn’t with a clear conscience leave her to fend for her self when she is clearly vulnerable.
I could enjoy myself.
It also in a warped way says she is not good enough. She is ill, from what you decribe.
Eating disorder, therapy, weight loss, it’s an illness. Don’t leave her.

missiondecision · 09/11/2017 21:38

Could not , could not enjoy myself

Love51 · 09/11/2017 21:38

I'm not an eating disorder expert. I will say, stick to your word. I'm not sure if you quantified the weight, if it is possible in what you said to allow her to go if she gains the kg back, but you laid a boundary so you must stick to it to help her to feel safe. Her behaviour is addictive so she has little control. But if her therapist was in agreement presumably you said the right thing. I hope your daughter gets better soon.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:40

She wouldn't be left alone!

So you would cancel a holiday for your other child? Thereby saying she wasn't as important? Because that is also something I have to consider. Two and a half years of the most dreadful home life is not a great childhood, she doesn't even want her sister to go with us.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/11/2017 21:42

If she won't be left alone then frankly I think you should take her little sister and spend some quality time with her. God knows you will both benefit from a bit of respite.

missiondecision · 09/11/2017 21:43

Would you still go if she had another illness??
Poor Mental health is an illness .

Pandoraphile · 09/11/2017 21:43

I wouldn't take her. You have been clear and firm and she's taken no notice. It will be a shock for her that could be a good one.

missiondecision · 09/11/2017 21:44

Sounds like you have already Made up your mind.

Redglitter · 09/11/2017 21:45

So long as she's not being left alone while you're away I'd go. Sounds like you and your daughter could do with the respite

RedHelenB · 09/11/2017 21:45

If anorexic daughter has someone to look after her then yes stick to your word and take your other dd. The last thing you want is for her to try to get your attention by copying her sister

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/11/2017 21:45

She's a child with an illness. If it was any other illness would you take her? The answer is likely yes.

She shouldn't be excluded for being ill.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:45

you can't compare this to a physical illness, sorry. We are talking about a child who tried to slice one of my fingers off a few months ago and physically attacks her little sister.

OP posts:
Changerofname987654321 · 09/11/2017 21:46

You want to exclude your child from a family event because she has a mental health problem?

pinkiepie1 · 09/11/2017 21:47

From someone who has a little sister who says her childhood was ruined by my issues. I would take your youngest. If you have someone to look after your oldest.

Don't let her feel 2nd best if you can help it.

It's hard so im sending lots of hugs xx

SD1978 · 09/11/2017 21:47

If her therapist agrees this is the best way to go forward, I’d go. Would you consider taking her if there was no weight loss this week? If she is going to be safe and with someone who understands her condition whilst you go, I’d still go. Eating disorders don’t only affect the person who has one, the whole family is affected- your younger child has lived with this too, it seems unfair that she misses out too if she doesn’t have to.

caramelonion · 09/11/2017 21:48

Hmm given the self destructive, self-punishing nature of EDs i dont think that will help her. Not letting her come would be letting the illness ruin the holiday. She isn't being bloody-minded, she's unwell.
Flowers to you all

Caulk · 09/11/2017 21:48

I had anorexia.

I think at that stage I would have needed to be left so I could see o couldn’t control everything. A similar thing happened that led me to realise it and it made a big difference to me.

PenelopeStoppit · 09/11/2017 21:49

Her therapist said not to take her if she lost weight so I would stick to that. They are the expert. I am guessing your daughter is planning to not eat while you are away so will lose more weight; if this means she would reach a life threatening weight then you would be unreasonable to take her.

Can she be in care for the week if you go away with your younger daughter as I agree she shouldn't have to miss out? If not could a grandparent or other relative take her away so you can stay to look after your older daughter? Sorry your are all in this upsetting situation.

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 09/11/2017 21:50

I suspect if the Ops daughter did have an another illness people may be saying go and have a respite break.

I think carers of people with mental health problems at every often forgotten about. And held responsible for the patients current state.

If someone with a non mental health illness had a flare up people wouldn't say it's the carers fault. But when it's mental health, so many other people can unfairly be blamed for it. That itself isn't understanding mental health.

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 09/11/2017 21:51

*are very often

DPotter · 09/11/2017 21:51

Take your younger daughter on holiday. she needs you to support her. It's very sad your other daughter is ill with anorexia, but when you're ill you can't necessarily go on holiday and she needs to understand that family life doesn't stop

JigglyTuff · 09/11/2017 21:55

I would take your younger DD. You and her therapist have drawn a line in the sand. Anorexia is the most pernicious horrible illness. Until you've lived with it (and I don't mean as a sufferer, I mean as a family member) you have no idea how fucking awful it is.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:55

I have literally given up my life for two years. Gone from appointment to appointment as indeed all parents with ill children do. I know she isn't doing this deliberately, I'm aware she's ill, but this isn't just her life she's wrecking. I have a ten year old DD who counts down the days to her holiday every day and has her case packed. She has gone without so much fun and never complains at the long journeys in the car to her sisters school or appointments. Or how she can't have friends over when her sister is ill. Or how mean she is to her (verbally and physically). I feel sad that she misses out again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:56

It will break my heart not to take her. I have battled this with her for so long but it makes no difference at all. She doesn't want to get better (she admits that). But it was her dream holiday too.

OP posts: