To not take DD on holiday

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP my mum didn't take my sister on holiday due to bad behavior when she was 13, she's now 34 and still hasn't got over it. Just remember that kind of rejection isn't going to help her mental health

I think the OP should go really because as others have said she and her other dd need a break.

Op, it sounds as if your poorly dd should really be in a psychiatric unit - maybe they could help get her better?

Yes I'm aware it's rejection. Either way I reject one of my children's needs.

Don't take her but you need to make sure she's safe while you're away.

I think it's worthwhile ringing CAMHS and discussing what they think might help.

OP - are you me?
My DD has anxiety, depression and an eating disorder (not anorexia). It is an illness that affects the whole family, and it is a manipulative and selfish illness.
Stick to your boundaries and have a respite holiday with your youngest.
I would.

She won't get admitted to hospital until her weight gets much lower. And she will make sure that doesn't happen. Or rather the illness will.

I think you’re wrong flowerpot and you should take time to educate yourself about mental illness.

People who are depressed are not themselves. Mental illness causes irrational behaviours on the part of the sufferer.

I’m sorry the therapist wasn’t much use. Could you try talking to them again or someone else?

I think I would go OP, you sound exhausted, it’s no good for anyone if you end up mentally ill too.

She also has anxiety and depression and a whole host of other things, she likes to tell people all about it.

Camhs are no help. It's up to me.

Strawberryshortcake40
Yes I'm aware it's rejection. Either way I reject one of my children's needs.

It's not rejection OP. It's consequences. Don't let her or her illness win. Giving in, rolling over, and ruining your younger daughter's life to give your other daughter what she wants and make you feel better is not going to help anyone - not you, your elder daughter, or your younger daughter.

I think you take your dd on holiday.
I so feel for you, and both your dds, but right now your youngest (and you) deserve time away.

I would completely cancel the holiday and tell you older DD why. Then tell your younger DD you've cancelled it as it was older DDs treat and she got it cancelled and now it's younger ones turn to choose something special, and arrange a lovely day out or overnight trip, spa hotel or something as respite and 1-1-1 time. Making clear to older DD that she could have the same 1-1 time if she stabilises her weight. Then in future make sure each child get 1-1 breaks not group one.

Hi OP, I'm probably going to get slated for this but don't care a jot.

I have experience of this but don't want to divulge details.

You MUST stick to your original goal plans - i.e if your DD gained weight then she would go on holiday. She hasn't, she's been horrible re your younger daughter and your younger daughter's life as well as your's has been horrible for the last couple of years.

To go back on what you have 'threatened' is another control 'win' for her. Yes it's an illness, a bloody horrific one - but to take her on the holiday means that whatever you say basically means jack - she's in control of you all.

It's such a destructive illness and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - sometimes you have to put yourself and other family members first - as long as she's safe and looked after while you're away then go - at the very least it will be stress free time for your other DD x

Is there anyway you can bring your oldest daughter away just the two of you for a different break?
That way maybe she wouldn't feel as rejected if you and youngest dd stick to original plans for just the two of you and she stays with her dad.

Am sorry, don't think an overnight spa break is going to cut it compared to a Disney holiday for a 10 year old!!!

I can't do 1-1 breaks. If I could do that I wouldn't be so exhausted now. It's a good idea but not workable for us. I wish it was.

This is a tough one. On one hand, she's your child too and I just couldn't imagine my parents leaving me behind as a child. She is ill.

On the other hand, you need a break. She knew the conditions and she's not met them, her therapist said its best she doesn't go. She isn't being left alone, and she'll be cared for. More importantly her sister deserves to have a stress free holiday.

On balance, I think you should go. In elder dds shoes I'd have felt upset - but years later, after recovering from the anorexia, I might have felt more at peace with the decision. In younger dds shoes I'd feel that I come second best. And if this was a different illness people would be urging respite. Go on, have a good time and bond with younger dd, and look after yourself

Strawberry have you had any support from ABC - Anorexia Bulimia Care? Their parents' helpline is brilliant; they also recognise that siblings are very badly affected by their own sibling's illness so they might have some ideas for supporting both DDs. I would definitely take your younger girl away.

Just remember that kind of rejection isn't going to help her mental health - that's utter bollocks OP please ignore this, and talk to people who have first hand experience of this illness.

And I won't get the money back. Physically she isn't ill enough (yet) to not go away. So the insurance wouldn't pay out.

Part of the difficulty of anorexia is that it is quite attractiveness to your DD. She doesn't WANT to get better.

If you go on this trip with your younger DD (and give yourself and her some very much needed respite, healing and bonding time) and not take your older DD, then you have a chance of the anorexia losing some of its attractiveness, albeit likely after a temporary worsening. She will have lost something that she really, really wanted due to the illness. Up until now, has she?

This really isn't appropriate for random people on the internet to be advising on. You need to go back to her therapist and ask again for clarity on this.

Up till now all she has had is me doing my utmost to get her better. Finding the right school. Driving 2 hours a day to take her there. She even told me a few months ago that she is ill because she hates where we live, hence we are moving! I cannot do more for her than I am. It's all about her these days.

I definitely would not cancel the holiday. I would just make sure your older dd is cared for while you are away.

As I said I have asked her therapist. She said it's ultimately up to me, she said that in front of DD.

In the last six months I have been trying to make DDs life so lovely that anorexia isn't needed. I thought that by filling her life with all she wanted it would mean she would start to enjoy life. Instead it's led to this.