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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/11/2017 22:11

Listen to Caulk. If you take her then the angry, controlling voice of her anorexia has successfully pushed another boundary. It will then be a bit stronger and will demand she push a bit further, loses more weight, creates more chaos.

Liiinoo · 09/11/2017 22:11

LOOKLIKEATOURIST

An anorexic failing to eat is not 'bad behaviour'. It is a symptom of a serious mental illness. I agree the the OP should follow the therapists advice and not take her DD, not as a punishment for bad behaviour but because that's what was agreed and boundaries are important.

RacingRaccoons · 09/11/2017 22:12

I would take your younger DD on holiday and spend some quality time with her.
It’s so hard to be a sibling to a manipulative but mentally ill person as much as you love them.
I think it will be an amazing break for both you and younger DD (every carer needs respite).
Flowers for you.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:12

I don't think DD will have a particularly nice time with her dad. It could be very detrimental. But frankly cancelling this and seeing my youngest DDs disappointment will be awful too. I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 09/11/2017 22:16

@Liinoo - there is a huge amount of control and power tied up with anorexia. It's not just as simple as good and bad.

Crispmonster1 · 09/11/2017 22:16

Sounds like you and your other DD need a break and some tlc toward one another. I think you should go. Your family isn’t just about her. We have a similar control/illness issue with one of my DDs and I have had to do things without her for the benefit of the others. Space can be good for all of you. Flowers

Autumnskiesarelovely · 09/11/2017 22:17

I would go on holiday without her.

However I’d be like a rock, very calm, fair, reasonable. Be kind to your daughter about why. Prepare her for the week on her own. She may get ill as a backlash as there seems to be a lot of anger there. Prepare yourself for this, even talk to her about it - what could help if she felt very angry e.g, therapist / call on another person to see her etc. plan it don’t just leave her with no contingencies. She’s not stable.

Maybe offer that you will take her somewhere just on her own for a weekend if you can. At another time. Not dependent on anything. Just a simple weekend to just be with you, maybe in the countryside or shopping, whatever.

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 22:18

OP if you don't trust their DF to give younger DD a nice holiday why do you trust him to look after older DD?

Is there no one else if you really must leave her? Someone less attached and fresh to the situation.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:19

I'm so sad about this. I had such hopes of my DDs spending time together and building a better bond after so much awfulness. I really thought it could be a new start but instead I need to choose which one of them needs me more and whichever I choose no doubt the other will be unhappy.

OP posts:
MoseShrute · 09/11/2017 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 22:20

I think I would only go if she has someone to take care of her while you are away.

CopperHandle · 09/11/2017 22:20

Go on the holiday. Do not take older DD.
I was (and am) mentally ill and consistency and boundaries is of paramount importance. You have said she can't go if she regresses, you must follow through with that. It is for her long term benefit.
It is also for your younger DDs long term benefit.

There is far more benefit to going than not.

And as for those saying that she's not misbehaving, she's ill - that's not strictly true. Being ill is not a coverall, excuse to be manipulative or nasty. These things still must have consequences, illness or no illness.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:20

I can't leave her with just anyone unfortunately. She will have medical appts to go too, meds to take etc, she will need someone home with her or to take her to school.

It will be awful for her to go to school when all her friends know she is supposed to be on holiday. The humiliation will be awful for her, I don't know what to do about that.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/11/2017 22:21

I think the balance of going or not going for your eldest is probably the same.

The detrimental effect of not going on your youngest is huge and the positives for her having a holiday is also huge

I think you leave her with her dad and go

Hellomaryimback · 09/11/2017 22:21

op Flowers go on the holiday with your youngest. You will feel wretched doing it but you need tonset firm boundaries.

Your daughters illness does not dictate everyone' else's life.

My mother has mental illness and mine and my brothers life was ruined by it because we lived, ate and breathed her illness. Every single day was about how she was feeling, was she having a good day - then we all had a good day - was she having a bad day and boy did we know about it.

Your not a saint and you shouldn't be expected to behave like one 100% of the time, your other dd doesn't have to come second to another child's illness, your other child is an independent child.

Listen to the advice of the therapist. Don't take her but use this as respite to fight the battle that's starting to rev up again

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:23

Yes we live eat and breathe it. Every part of every day. It's a hideous illness.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 09/11/2017 22:24

Listen to her therapist. Take your younger dd. You and she sound like you need this.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/11/2017 22:25

As long as you can get someone to look after your elder DD, go on holiday with the younger one. As PP have said, your younger DD needs to see that not everything will always revolve around her sister's illness, and that she matters, too.

TitaniasCloset · 09/11/2017 22:27

I really think you need to discuss this fully with a professional. I really feel for you op but I have no idea what I would do in this situation or what’s best for your dd. Flowers

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:28

I have tried discussing it with her therapist. All she said was it was basically up to me. Not really helpful.

OP posts:
GoodMorning1 · 09/11/2017 22:30

If gong to school when she's meant to be on holiday will be humiliating could she not go? Could she have a 'staycation'.

You and younger DD go on the holiday you planned, older DD stays with her Dad and stays at home instead of going to school?

Lanaorana2 · 09/11/2017 22:30

Lots of good reasons to go & just one bad reason to stay.

Going is the right thing for DD1 because it will show her illness that sanity's the boss; for DD2 who needs a break, and for you, ditto. Go, go, go.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:32

The school have authorised her holiday as an understanding it's because of her getting better. So I feel it's wrong to then keep her home? She is very lucky to have a school which is doing so much for her and are making so many allowances for her. She has told them how she is gaining weight and much better!

OP posts:
Lanaorana2 · 09/11/2017 22:32

It will be awful for her to go to school when all her friends know she is supposed to be on holiday. The humiliation will be awful for her, I don't know what to do about that.

It was HER choice. Ill or not. And no, it won't be that earth-shatteringly grim for her, even if she tells you it is. She will, of course.

JigglyTuff · 09/11/2017 22:33

It isn't just about the older DD though. DD2 deserves a holiday. The OP put down firm boundaries for the holiday for DD1 and she broke them. So she doesn't get to go on the holiday.

OP - you absolutely have to stick to those. You told her that was the deal. I honestly think it will be a really retrogressive act to backtrack now. She has to know that your boundaries are firm. It will help her. Honestly. And I can only imagine how hard this is for you to do.