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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
DarthMaiden · 09/11/2017 22:33

It’s a really hard decision and whatever you decide there is going to be fallout.

On balance I think the best (of a difficult choice) is go on holiday with your youngest child.

I feel your older DD needs to understand that the boundaries you and her therapist have put in place are not negotiable and you cannot be manipulated into “giving in”. Letting her go, when the holiday was reliant in her maintaining/increasing her weight, then doing the reverse is not doing her (or you) any favours in the long term.

Equally I don’t think your younger DD should suffer beyond which she already does by not going on this holiday. You have a responsibility to her too and I’d be very worried about the level of hurt and resentment she would feel if (yet again) she was made to feel her life was consistently dictated by the health and behaviour of her sister.

Balance that against cancelling completely or taking them both (about which I’m struggling to find any benefits other than placating your elder DD for short term gain and lessening your feelings of guilt) I think the scales defiantly favour taking your younger child.

Flowers
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:36

I gave her the opportunity today to tell me exactly how she is losing so much weight now, hiding food, over exercising etc etc. She said the Drs are wrong and she hasn't lost. Or that she has another illness that is causing her to lose weight and nobody cares enough to test her for other things.

I'm well aware the illness is the problem here not her, but unfortunately it's an intrinsic part of her (her friend apparently!). I really thought a holiday would be an incentive for her to at least stay stable (I hadn't even said she had to gain, even though she needs to).

OP posts:
Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:37

Cancelling completely isn't an option. She isn't physically ill enough for that.

Frankly I'm scared to take her. I'm scared of my own child :(

OP posts:
JWrecks · 09/11/2017 22:39

If that's what her therapist recommended, I would stick to it. As PP have said, it may help her understand that she cannot control and manipulate you.

Are you able to speak to her therapist directly and perhaps see if you can get some clarification or a more detailed opinion?

boomitscountginula · 09/11/2017 22:39

Again not an eating disorder specialist but I wouldn't let her go.

However.

To be really critical, perhaps a beach holiday wasn't the best reward? That has to be so anxious for a person with an eating/body image disorder.

I would cancel the trip if you can. And put the refund towards a winter trip to see the northern lights or something else in this theme.

But most of all o would take her doctors advice.

FlowerPot1234 · 09/11/2017 22:40

So now WTF do I do?

Without any doubt, without a second's hesitance, leave your manipulative daughter at home, do as the therapist says, and stop spoiling your non-manipulative daughter's life and plans and wrecking her childhood.

Deemail · 09/11/2017 22:40

You poor poor thing, you're in an awful situation. This is really tough on you, you clearly love both your daughters very much and just want to do the best for both of them.
It sounds to me like this recent behaviour is a new test your daughter is putting on for you. She's pushing your boundaries to see how far she can go and possibly trying to determine if your love for her has a limit. Possibly in her mind if you leave her at home, you've reached that limit and your love is not unconditional. On the other hand if you bring her despite her horrible behaviour, your love is unconditional and she'll believe she can treat you and her sister however she likes.

I would not cancel the holiday, your younger daughter needs this and you can't take it away from her.
I would try and put some backup plans in place and bring both girls.
Plan A, is it possible to bring another adult who will take over with either dd if your eldest kicks off
Plan b, can you have the threat of another adult who will agree to come and bring your dd home if she starts to spoil things for your daughter?
If your daughter knows there will be immediate consequences to her actions maybe she'll realise she can't push the boundaries further.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 09/11/2017 22:40

My heart goes out to you. Flowers I would be concerned about her while you’re away though. It sounds like her father cannot parent her effectively and cannot cope with her. What other support she does have?

JamPasty · 09/11/2017 22:41

Oh Strawberryshortcake40, take the holiday with your youngest - you both need the break and are both important. Leave eldest with her dad

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:42

There is no other adult who can go.

Where have I said it's a beach holiday?? I'm well aware that wouldn't be a good idea although she isn't affected by body image so it wouldn't be a trigger anyway.

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 22:42

Can people stop calling the OP’s daughter manipulative? She’s ill!

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 22:43

OP what's changed recently to make you scared of her? You booked a hotel room, you weren't scared then. Why are you scared now?

BarbarianMum · 09/11/2017 22:43

Your dd's anorexia is stronger than she is right now. She needs to know that it isn't stronger than you.

RedHelenB · 09/11/2017 22:43

You can be I'll.and manipulative!

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:44

Yes I think it's a test. Which is why I'm damned whatever I do. She is pushing me but I've had enough. Not for me but for my youngest who climbs into bed with me every night so she can have time alone with me. Who asks for nothing more than to enjoy her life.

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 09/11/2017 22:45

I have no expertise in this so would think I'd go with what the therapist recommends.

But it must be horrendous for you all Flowers

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:45

I'm scared because as her weight drops she becomes more psychotic. A few months ago she was rational and not violent. If she loses much more weight she will be a very different person .

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 22:46

How old are your two dds, OP?

GinandGingerBeer · 09/11/2017 22:46

There’s your answer then love. You need a break. You cannot care for your daughter day in day out without respite. Re charge your batteries, speak to the school,tell them you’re not making the decision lightly and you are doing it with her interests at heart.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:46

Her illness is manipulative. I know it's not her. But it is still manipulation.

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 22:46

Anorexia is a terrible illness :(

FlowerPot1234 · 09/11/2017 22:46

lottieandmia22
Can people stop calling the OP’s daughter manipulative? She’s ill!

No. The OP used the phrase, I shall use the phrase, and the behaviour described here is manipulative. Illness does not make her do this, behind every illness is still the individual and their behaviour and choices.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:47

They are 15 and 10.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 09/11/2017 22:47

She is manipulative lottie - it's not her fault, its the illness but it is a manipulative illness. Its manipulating her, her mum, her sister, her friends. It has to, to survive.

DoJo · 09/11/2017 22:47

It sounds like things for your older daughter will not improve if you take her: she will have gone on holiday without having stuck to the agreement and you will have 'caved' to her anorexia. She will be cross, but it sounds as though she is pretty angry anyway.

For your younger daughter, things will be better if you go on holiday: she will see that you are sticking to your word, she will get time away from her sister with your undivided attention, she will be rewarded for her patience and the difficult times you have had with her sister and it will reinforce the feeling that her needs are important.

Weighing it up like that, I would say go.

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