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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
steff13 · 09/11/2017 21:58

Her therapist knows more about her illness and your circumstances than anyone here. I'd go with what she says you should do.

AgentProvocateur · 09/11/2017 21:59

As a sister of a disabled sibling, I would beg you to take your youngest DD and give her some respite from home, and also show her that she’s not playing second fiddle to her sister.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 09/11/2017 21:59

Take the advice of the therapist, who is the professional. You've said DD won't be left on her own, so for the sake of your other daughter, please go.

GherkinSnatch · 09/11/2017 22:00

Based on what you've said about your circumstances, I would go.

Anorexia is a horrible illness, and can impact on individuals and their families in so many ways. Your poor DDs (both) and poor you Flowers

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:00

Her therapist has said "hmmm she probably shouldn't go". No more than that. No more on what damage I could psychologically do DD by not taking her. No suggestions on who might be best to look after her, or any support that can be given. I get the distinct feeling I'm damned whatever I do now.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 09/11/2017 22:00

Based on Caulks post as well as the therapists advice, go.

I have no experience of ED but I do with other MH issues and sufferers can be very manipulative.

Go. It sounds like you need the break too.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 09/11/2017 22:00

Take your younger dd. She matters too.

Starlight2345 · 09/11/2017 22:01

How old is DD? who would she be left with?

hockityponktas · 09/11/2017 22:02

I 100% understand what you are going through.
From being a parent having dealt with my child’s severe mental health problems over the last few years. Watching my younger child go through it and having a husband who grew up as the sibling of someone with an eating disorder.
As long as there is someone to look after your dd. Please go.
Your younger dd needs to be supported in this too and you need to allow yourself time to recoup your energy. Dealing with this is hard and sometimes you have to step back and allow yourself a break.
Your dd has been given a clear boundary and is clearly not currently well enough to adhere to/accept it.

BewareOfDragons · 09/11/2017 22:03

If your DD has someone safe to stay with, like her other parent, then I would take my younger DD on the holiday.

PotteringAlong · 09/11/2017 22:04

I agree, leave her behind. This is more about your younger daughter than your older one.

Ttbb · 09/11/2017 22:05

Just talk to her therapist again if you have concerns.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 09/11/2017 22:05

I hear where you are coming from but I wonder if, by not taking her, it will make her angrier at you and lash out more.

Ellisandra · 09/11/2017 22:06

You've said your older daughter wouldn't be left home alone?
So, can the person who would be with her take your younger daughter and you stay home?

Pretty shit for you, and I'm sure your younger daughter would prefer you to be there.

But I think you shouldn't take your older daughter, and it could be a way for the younger one not to miss out. The older one is still succeeding in controlling though.

I think it's absolutely fine not to take the older girl - the holiday was conditional, she knew that. The problem arises because of the younger one.

I think you need to talk it through with those who have experience of dealing with anorexia in the family Flowers

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:07

She possibly will get angrier, but this is a kid who has threatened to kill me in my sleep before. I'm not sure I want to be in a hotel room dealing with that and trying to protect her little sister from it.

She's 15. The obvious person to have her is her dad. However she's LC with him and doesn't like him. He doesn't handle her illness very well.

OP posts:
Trafalgarxxx · 09/11/2017 22:07

I think it’s a very hard one.
It would be very unfair on her title sister to not go on hols. I suspect dd2 was very much looking forward to gett8ng a bit of a break.

On the other sid, leav8ng dd1 doesn’t sound great nor does it sounds ok to still go away.

I wouod actually cancel that holiday (assuming you can get the money back etc...) and organise another one for your dd2 just for the two of you.
That way, she gets the break she needs. You don’t punish dd1 bumpy leaving her in her own and going away on a trip she was intending to go on.

Fwiw, I think that MH issue should be treated the same way than a CHRONIC health issue. It’s essential for anyone supporting the person who is ill (parents/siblings) to get a break. And it’s ok for them to go away for that break (as long as the person who is ill is still well cared for).
I wold also add that, from your comments, you need to be looking after yourself (more??). And you need to get support for dd2 (counselling for her) as she clearly find the situation very distressing.

FruitCider · 09/11/2017 22:07

Having limited experience of working with people with eating disorders, if the boundary with the weight loss and the holiday has been set as a “non negotiable rule” then she should not be allowed to go. Enabling the manipulation enables the eating disorder to win and not her, as cruel as that may sound. I think you should go and enjoy the holiday without her if she will be looked after.

Flowers
Liiinoo · 09/11/2017 22:08

My DD had anorexia. It was a terrible, terrible time for all of us. If the therapist is saying don't take her I would follow her advice. But I would take her sister, the siblings of anorexics have a horrible time and she probably needs a break.

Doilooklikeatourist · 09/11/2017 22:08

Leave her behind and take young DD and have a lovely holiday
I think that you shouldn’t reward bad behaviour and she will be looked after by someone else I assume

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 22:08

There is no way my youngest DD is going away with her dad on a holiday I have saved for when he isn't good with her. That is not an option at all.

OP posts:
SomehowSomewhere1 · 09/11/2017 22:09

Is there a helpline you can call that focuses on eating disorders? They may be able to help.

isadoradancing123 · 09/11/2017 22:09

Why dosome people think that one child's happiness should be overlooked because of another child. Illness or not, mental health or not, it is not your other child's fault and she should not be losing her childhood

GherkinSnatch · 09/11/2017 22:10

Sunnyskies i suppose that would be for the OP/therapist to judge. EDs can cause their sufferers to expect a level of control over situations, or that others will dance to their tune (certainly the case in the two examples that are close to home for me). That may not be the case for the OP’s DD, but it is possible.

WellThisIsShit · 09/11/2017 22:10

Dontletthe writes sense.

You need a break, and your younger child needs a break.

If your older dd has care, and will be well looked after, then please go on holiday to give yourself a break.

The therapist is supporting you in this decision and as dontletthe writes, if this was a physical illness, you’d be getting different advice about respite.

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 22:11

OP this is a very difficult situation. I would try to avoid a battle with her, by saying "you won't go" and her replying "you'll give in". If this was a treat from past experience, nothing should take that away. Even a total regression. There should have been other consequences, ones you previously used when she lost weight before you booked a holiday. Tell her you love her, and are really proud of her past behaviour/weight gain etc and that's why the holiday is booked and you are going. Ignore the manipulation and subsequent weight loss unless medics need to intervene and say for sure that she is too ill to go.
I would not take the other DD without her unless she is too ill to go.