To not take DD on holiday

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

Well I don't think taking her is a good idea but from your update it looks like you have no choice as there is absolutely no one who can look after her.

Well done for making a really difficult decision OP

My perspective here, is one of supporting families of people with ED, and from that point of view it’s a good decision. Being tough in setting boundaries is one thing for professionals and a very different thing for close family members. No one would choose to walk in your shoes right now.

I wasn’t sure whether or not to post this earlier, but I have worked with families who have experienced the worst outcome. Not one of those families wished they had set tougher boundaries. What they all expressed is that they wish they had been able to “reach” the person with the ED.

Your Daughter is lucky to have you in her corner, but please make sure you are receiving support too x

Well done for making a decision OP, this must have been so stressful for you. (On top of all your other stress!) Hope you have the best holiday you possibly can .

Glad you've reached a decision OP - let us know how things go.

I haven’t commented but just want to say I’m glad you’ve reached a decision and can make plans. That must be a massive weight off your shoulders.

You’ll never know the potential outcomes of not doing one or the other, so you just have to make decisions based on the facts before you right now and that is there is nobody able to care for her at home. Your only realistic choice is cancel or all go. If you go it may be hard but being at home is hard too! If you stay home you’re in the same situation with two upset daughters and a big dent in your finances for nothing.

I hope you all manage to relax, sounds like it’s much needed! x

I hope you all have a lovely time on holiday and it does help dd1 kick start her recovery.

De-lurking to say I hope you all manage to enjoy the holiday. The advice to leave the 'frenemy' at home and completely disengage from supervising meals, calories etc., sounds wise. Perhaps a change of scenery and routine will help her to break away from the negativity from her Dad and allow her to start re-building again? Best of luck OP

Will you be able to tell us how the holiday went OP, or would that be too intrusive?

Hope the holiday goes well, OP, do let us know. You’re a fab mum.

I hope the 3 of you have a lovely holiday xx

take a notebook and hand it to her at the beginning of the holiday or just before.in private.tell her this is for all the things she cant say or feels guilty for asking for over the holiday. be it help with eating something. struggling with a certain meal you have planned. asking for beans on toast instead tonight. asking to talk.to be held. she can shove it under your door or just hand the note over and it will be taken seriously.
no guilt o nthis holiday.tell her being able to go doesn't mean anyone thinks she is doing well or recovered.its simply family time in a different place.
perhaps have a rough guid of whats for tea. it will be that. then she can get help accordingly.
if younger dd wants to go out do it.ask other and keep her joined in but make it clear when her ed trys to sabotage it which it will thenyou will be doing it anyway.
no juding here.if she manages a chocolate cake.to smile.to have fun there is no judgemnt on what this could mean.nor will you think this will carry on at home and all is well.becasue quite often on holiday things can go one of two way.really well and OH MY GOD IS SHE RECOVERED will occur because she is able to just release a bit.or down hill.either way tell her you will be there and she just needs to be her.
its a break for all of you.
have a chat with her honestly.tell her how we all no how shit this is for her.ut because she is loved its hard for you too.and other dd so how about we try make this special as we can for dds and let them see how we can fight together to make special happen.
change.change in routine.food.rituals.even down to the plates can be hard.can cause complete and utter meltdown.aks her if there is anything that would help.
talk these things through before hand like a care plan.its not for rules but to help make it possible.
when you get there could you allocate d freak out zone so that if things go wrong you all no where she can go.
love eactoher the best you can.
perhaps talk to younger dd before you go.let her no that you all no this illness is evil.so picure what is happening in her sisters head right now will be the illness trying all it can to punish her and make her suffer.how it doesn't want her to have a holiday.it wants to destroy.so what you on the outside will only see her sis mucking up or beig a git.whereas inside she is fighting against something that wants tp put her down and kill her.so it will try anything to psuh her mum her sister or anything good away so that once her sister is left with nothing she will give up and then the illness can win her...kill.
so that if sis starts to muck up we don't need tp pander or let it bring us down.but to fight toether perhaps we can just tell it to fuck the fuck off because we love our daughter and sister and so this holiday will be amazing.and it can go fuk with something else because we have sisters back.

Good luck op, I hope the holiday goes well for all of you.

Have a look at Rob Kelly's Thrive programme, it works well for eating disorders too and would benefit ALL of you.

Have you been, OP? I was thinking about you today

Coming back as I wonder how this went, there is another poster today with a similar dilemma re her 15 yr old

I feel awful for you, if you take her then it shows her she pretty much controls every decision in the family and If you don't I suspect she will find a way to punish you.
Your other daughter and you clearly need a break so I suspect the best thing is to speak to the therapist and seek advice.
Good luck OP and sending lots of strength and best wishes. Xxx