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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not take DD on holiday

540 replies

Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 21:31

Have posted about DD before. She is unwell with an eating disorder, it has been over two years now. Life is pretty hellish.

A couple of months ago she seemed to be making progress, it was thought it would be good to give her something to aim for. So a holiday was booked for her, her younger sister and me.

Last month she started getting very manipulative about it all. Saying what her DS could do/not do on holiday, how she wasn't going to keep to our plans etc. Sure enough she had lost weight (her behaviour is a sign). I told her if she lost more weight she could not go. She rallied slightly. Her therapist said if she lost more weight she shouldn't go.

Well with a week to go, she's lost almost a kg in a week. So now WTF do I do? She really isn't well enough to go but is insistent I will "give in and take her".

Her little sister will be devastated not to go away and frankly she needs a break, she cries most evenings before bed at how life is here and it's soul destroying to see how her childhood is being wrecked by this.

But I feel v v sad at the thought of not taking DD who this was all for in the first place, but if I take her it will literally be a whole week of us being dictated to by her illness.

AIBU to not take her??

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 23:01

I'm confused then OP. I thought you were considering just taking younger DD. So you can do 1-1 breaks.
I would lose the money before my DDs mental health but I guess that depends on how much you spent. Hopefully not much as it's a token gesture to older DD to keep going with gaining/maintaining her weight.

lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 23:01

Also agree anorexia is a very complex illness though and probably one most of us aren’t qualified to advise on

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:02

It's not a token gesture holiday. I didn't say that either. It was a lovely holiday for them both to enjoy together as it seemed we were going to all be able to get better from this together.

OP posts:
lottieandmia22 · 09/11/2017 23:02

Anorexia has nothing to do with how good someone’s life is. When it takes hold it’s just so destructive :(

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 23:02

OP you sound like such a fantastic person. You are stuck in such a difficult situation Flowers

DarthMaiden · 09/11/2017 23:03

I don’t agree you are rejecting one of your daughters needs whatever you do OP.

It’s in your elder daughters interests to know that boundaries will be adhered to. In terms of her longer term health back tracking on taking her - especially when she’s refusing to even admit how (or even that) she’s lost weight - is not acting in the best interests of her “needs”, it is giving in to her wants and the manipulative behaviour that her condition sadly often entails.

Cancelling on the other hand is definitely not meeting the needs of your younger daughter or yourself for respite.

It’s a heartbreaking decision to make but I honestly think you need to follow thorough here.

Is it possible to arrange additional counselling whilst you are away to support her? Are there any options for residential care for her whilst you are away? I’m aware there are (admittedly private and expensive) care facilities for people suffering with eating disorders- would this be an option?

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:03

Yes it is complex. But I do think there are probably many people on here who's lives have been affected by mental illness and I thought it may give me a differing view if someone had a sibling/parent with something similar, as a child.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 09/11/2017 23:04

Give the younger child a break. Give yourself a break. She knew the rules so you, as a parent need to uphold those rules or she’ll continue to manipulate you all.

dangermouseisace · 09/11/2017 23:04

For those being funny about rewards/not rewards for weight....I had (have?) an ED and was in hospital for a couple of years with anorexia.

The whole system ran on 'rewards' based on your weight! You had to be a certain weight to be allowed out of bed, or off the ward, or away overnight. If you lost weight, your privileges would be decreased according to your weight. There has to be a system of rewards and consequences for people with eating disorders otherwise there is no incentive at all to try and maintain or to gain weight.

I think the holiday was a lovely idea, and you displayed faith in your daughter that she could achieve the necessary progress. Instead, she's been not behaving and has lost loads of weight. You said she couldn't go if she lost more weight, her therapist said she shouldn't go- you and your other daughter should go and have a lovely time away from eating disorders and all that. Your eldest needs to learn that there are negative consequences to losing weight, and it's better she learn it from missing a holiday, than from being stopped from going to school, or being in hospital far from home, and not being allowed to go to the toilet on your own. I had no consequences to my eating disorder until I suddenly ended up pulled out of school, and into hospital on complete bed rest. I wish there had been consequences before it got to that stage (nobody seemed to have noticed I wasn't eating- your daughter is lucky to have a parent that cares)

Manipulative IS the right word to describe someone with an eating disorder. Kids (and adults) with eating disorders will try and get everyone dancing to their tune, so that everyone else has to accomodate their behaviour and they can cling on to their eating disorder. Yes they are ill, but that manipulation/deceit and all the rest of it is part and parcel of the disorder.

Go, have a lovely time, and focus on your other daughter. Your other DD probably needs to learn that the world does not always revolve around her, and that other people will continue to live their lives and have fun instead of being limited by her eating disorder. She needs an incentive to get well.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 09/11/2017 23:04

I'm not a professional but i personally think you should go from what information you have give us, if her illness is a power thing as I suspect from what you have said it will do her good to realise her disorder can't control everything & if you have said she isn't to go already you shouldn't give in,
Also if therapist said you should still go then that would be enough for me to make my decision,
Perhaps you could sit her down & tell her how much u love her & that you are there for her & your sorry but she can't come on this holiday as she is ill, just be frank with her & tell her hopefully with herself & everyone who loves her working togeather she will be in a better frame of mind to book another holiday soon,
We all need a break yes op child is Ill but I'm sure op struggles some days because of the illness to & of you have to consider dd2,
I would take into consideration all of the family & the childs illness & therapists advice & make my decision from that not just the illness

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:05

No options for residential care (have looked into that). I could get her respite care for a week but I'm not sure that is a good idea.

I'm really at a loss what to do. I love them both dearly.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 09/11/2017 23:06

sorry I meant DS!

Allthewaves · 09/11/2017 23:07

Id be taking your 10 year old daughter to disney. If your older dd hasn't gained I wouldn't be taking her. She's using it as a form of control.

Her illness has ruled your lives. Your younger daughter deserves some respite as do you.

Any change of getting her a respite place while you are away. Perhaps time away from you will change her mind set

Gannicusthemannicus · 09/11/2017 23:07

Completely agree with TalkinBoutWhat. I think your daughter needs to see that her illness is not in charge and will only impact her negatively. At the moment her illness holds all the power - maybe you drawing a line in the sand and not taking her will start to deconstruct that power and show her she can stand up to it. I think it is more about standing up to the illness rather than your daughter so I don't think your daughter would hold it against you once she is well.

Is there anyone except her father who could care for her whilst you are away? Sorry if I missed you answering that earlier but it seems a big part of the problem is there is no one to look after her - if you are able to sort her care out, definitely take your youngest, I say.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:08

She's been off school. She spent six months at home to ill to attend school. A lot of that on bed rest. And yes rewards is how it works, it's not ideal but it's what is done,

However I always said this wasn't a reward, more a time for us all to move forward, a new start I suppose.

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 09/11/2017 23:08

I don't think you can win here but you obviously have a duty towards both daughters. And you can help one by taking her for a break whilst trying to demonstrate to the other's illness that you will stick to your words. So on balance, I think go with your younger daughter.

However. I am worried from what you've said that your older daughter would be in a bad place whilst you were away - it could be the thing that gets through to her, but that process in itself will be hard. So I would look into providing her with as much support as you can whilst you're away - enlist friends, family, school as well as her dad to keep as much of an eye on her as you can. Could she be signed off sick so she's not going to school? If the humiliation aspect of it would bother her I think that would mitigate it all a bit.

Good luck getting through this.

Allthewaves · 09/11/2017 23:08

Give your older dd the option either respite or she stays with her dad.

Original poster
Strawberryshortcake40 · 09/11/2017 23:09

My elderly grandparents have offered to have her. Nobody else will. Her grandparents refuse to help.

OP posts:
BitchPeas · 09/11/2017 23:09

I’ve been your younger DD. My heart aches for her. Please take her to Disneyland. She matters too and this means so much to her. Don’t let her childhood and self esteem be another thing anorexia destroys.

BabyOrSanta · 09/11/2017 23:09

If you take her, what will happen?
You've said yourself that her mind isn't in a good place and that it'll only get worse the more she loses and at the moment she's still wanting to lose.
That would completely spoil this amazing opportunity for your younger DD and (if I've read right) you won't get this opportunity and the magic of it again, she's 10. She'll outgrow the wonder of it in a few short years.

just5morepeas · 09/11/2017 23:09

I would take the holiday with my younger daughter and I certainly wouldn't be moving house because she says it would make her happier!

She's unhappy because of her illness, not because of where you live.

Don't let your whole life revolve around her - you don't have to do that to help her get better. In fact, letting your life revolve around her is allowing her the control her illness wants.

Silvereyes · 09/11/2017 23:11

Take your youngest on holiday.

I’ve unwell children, if I had the opportunity to have quality time with with one of them, I’d grab it

madein1995 · 09/11/2017 23:12

how is the relationship between dd and your grandparents - do they get on well? Will they be able to cope with the practicalities of dds illness? Do you think she'd be OK there? If so it might be a turning point for her

AtSea1979 · 09/11/2017 23:13

OP it doesn't sound like your DD is ready to move on and have a new start. She is probably very anxious about this as well as all too aware that the focus will shift from her.

MammaTJ · 09/11/2017 23:13

I think the manipulative element of this would be what would swing it for me. Yes, falling back into a fug of eating disorder, I could go with and still take her, but because she has been manipulative about it, then I would say no. Her being allowed to manipulate you is not good for you, your other DD, or ultimately, good for her.