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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Laiste · 07/11/2017 07:45

Well done OP. I really really hope that one the ice has been broken so to speak at this party that you and your SIL can re-connect.

I hope i'm not going to upset anyone here by saying that the pain of struggling to TTC can sometimes overtake you, change you, twist you (as it seems to have with SIL - you both used to get on really well) it's like a mental illness. You do things and think things which are so out of character. You find yourself being someone you don't recognise. The old you is in there somewhere but buried under this tower of heavy pain.

For me i think i hid all the above well enough that i didn't actually upset anyone else. But then i know i'm good at putting on a an act. It all simmered under the surface like a volcano though and boiled over when i was alone. I did attract the 'pitying eyes' at family do's which have been mentioned here. God i remember seeing those and that feeling. I plastered on the smile.

Anyway, it would be lovely to think the strength of you and SILs previous friendship can slowly slowly win through and you two can be close again Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2017 07:47

Zombie
I can only speak personally and what I have said in no way demeans my compassion for people suffering from infertility or struggling to have a child. There are great support networks out there. Your sil has her own agenda and it sounds as if she is a bitch. There are great resources for people in your position and Gateway for women is a brilliant network for childless people by circumstance.[[http://gateway-women.com/the-invisible-grief-of-the-childless-by-circumstance-woman/ here]]

OnionKnight · 07/11/2017 07:47

Well done for calling her, hopefully she will realise that she can't carry on excluding your child but not anybody else's.

CotswoldStrife · 07/11/2017 07:48

Well done for speaking to her, perhaps it was the fact that her own family wanted to celebrate your baby that was the tipping point for her. She clearly hasn't told them that she hasn't met the baby herself yet.

peachgreen · 07/11/2017 07:51

I’m glad you spoke to her LittleJay. I do think her behaviour is unreasonable but I can understand it in a way. I miscarried last year and both my best friends were pregnant at the time. One was pregnant after 3 miscarriages and 2 years of trying. The other got pregnant first time, before she was really ready (by her own admission). It was undoubtedly harder for me to hear about the second girl’s pregnancy, no matter how irrational it was - it made me feel completely different. So I can understand why it might be harder for your SIL to see some babies than others.

Anyway, I’m glad you’ve spoken to her and I hope this starts a pathway of reconciliation for you both.

NannyOggsKnickers · 07/11/2017 07:51

Zombie With the greatest of respect, what you have described is not what is happening here. Your SIL sounds like a total bitch. Her view point is not universal.

Most people here have been as sympathetic as they can but OP’s SIL’s position is unreasonable and horrible.

Being infertile is horrible (I know). Some infertile women get treated horribly by their families. But some infertile women were horrible people before being infertile and use their feelings as an excuse to act badly. Being infertile doesn’t automatically make you a put upon saint, does it?

etzy · 07/11/2017 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FireCracker2 · 07/11/2017 08:02

I think she just doesn't like you op, the infertility thing is a red herring if she has invited older and younger babies but not yours.Can you think of anything you have said or done that might have pissed her off

LoveProsecco · 07/11/2017 08:05

Well done OP

HaHaHmm · 07/11/2017 08:07

So pleased to see your update, OP. You have handled this well and I think in time SIL will see that you have saved her from herself. She knew deep down that she couldn't really get away with excluding you and the embarrassment when it came out would have been excruciating.

Anatidae · 07/11/2017 08:14

Well done you. A calm and measured reaction and hopefully a good resolution.

BakedBeans47 · 07/11/2017 08:38

Well done OP

Appuskidu · 07/11/2017 08:40

I find it odd how casual ur whole family has been about the whole situation.

Me, too. What about your parents and other sibling?

I think it's so sad she told her family you were too busy to see them Sad.

Fishface77 · 07/11/2017 08:49

Well done op!
Your a proper class act.
Wish my sil had been like you when I'd been suffering infertility instead of telling everyone "she can't give my brother children."
Regardless of the fact that the "problem" was with her brother.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/11/2017 09:00

Well done op, you handled it very well and sensitively.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/11/2017 09:00

Well done, OP - while obviously things still aren't absolutely ideal, it sounds like you're in a much better position now. That was really brave and compassionate of you.

I feel like this:
It has also come out that all her family have been dying to meet the baby, but she has been fobbing them off saying I'm too busy to see them (SIL is from a massive African family and would all like too have a celebration as per their customs which we would love) so I am upset that I've been made to look rude but again just lettting it go.

Basically explains - not excuses, but explains it - she felt that her family would be so excited about your baby that it would be the dominant note of the party. While I still don't defend what she did, this did really make me feel for her. The obvious solution would have been to let her family see you sooner so that it wasn't so exciting at the party, but she sort of backed herself into a corner there.

Anyway, the good thing is: this actually seems like it's more about her family than about, as was often suggested in the thread, a previous dislike of you. I'm sure she was flustered and embarrassed in the conversation but I really hope that she's able to appreciate how hard it was for you, and to realise that you do have sensitivity for her situation, as she reflects on it.

MissScarletinthePantry · 07/11/2017 09:21

Well done OP, sounds like a perfect resolution. It's not an excuse, but it sounds like she may have had additional familial/cultural pressures on her to produce a child.

@Mummyoflittledragon You're missing my point. Advocate for who you want. Have the opinion you want. But don't throw the pain someone has been brave enough to be open about back in her face as invalidating her opinion.

MissScarletinthePantry · 07/11/2017 09:22

(When I say perfect resolution I appreciate of course that everything is not perfect, but I mean you handled it as well as you could)

ohfourfoxache · 07/11/2017 09:26

Hats off to you - you handled that brilliantly. Well done, and enjoy the party Thanks

diddl · 07/11/2017 09:30

"It has also come out that all her family have been dying to meet the baby,"

That makes me quite sad for her.

I was thinking that it would be because all your family would be making a fuss & she was trying to avoid that, but knowing that hers would as well...

Roomster101 · 07/11/2017 09:30

I hope things work out okay for you OP, but to be honest I'm not sure that insisting your child goes to the party your sister in law has organised (at her house?) will ultimately improve things. I think it would have been better to introduce your child to her gradually. If her family and your family spend the whole time fussing over your baby, she may just avoid your family in the future which could impact on your relationship with your brother. At the moment, it may seem that she is just excluding one baby but that is possibly because there is only one baby on your side. If she doesn't have children herself she may exclude all children in your family, as my own uncle's wife did.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2017 09:34

MissScarlett
See it the way you wish. I wasn’t the first person to comment on bigmacs posts. I only spoke out after at least her third post saying the same thing. I see continuing to reiterate the same thing when the circumstances are clearly so different as invalidating the feelings of the op and that of her child. And this is her thread after all.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth · 07/11/2017 09:48

Let’s just hope the party doesn’t conveniently get cancelled now......

HashiAsLarry · 07/11/2017 09:53

fishface Flowers
Sounds like the sort of shit my family would pull, if I didn't know better I'd wonder if we were related!

Though that brings up an interesting question. Do you know if the infertility is a problem with her or your brother, or both possibly? If it's stemming somewhat from your brothers side that may give more of a reason as to why she finds it harder with your dd. Of course that could also be nothing to do with it at all too.

diddl · 07/11/2017 09:53

Presumably Op, your brother gets on well with her family & will want them there?

Otherwise, seems odd to invite them as they seem to be the reason for her upset.

I'm guessing that you get on well with them also & would welcome the fuss about your baby?

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