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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlejayx · 14/11/2017 12:06

Hi all,

Wanted to do a update! I don't know if anyone still cares haha.

So we got there before the whole 'surprise ' bit and intentionally cut it fine so we could just wave hi and take a seat. Lovely brother seemed so happy to have a room full of his friends and family.

Then it got awkward, SIL's family kept asking why we haven't been to see them. My other half then piped up saying we didn't know they wanted to. SIL went into panic / defensive mode and lied and said we have been really busy and haven't been around. DP said 'that's a lie' ( light hearted but he's not very tactful) she then quickly exited to outside. Baby littlejay had a dance with her uncle (smiles all round) then hell broke loose outside.

I was accused of 'stealing her limelight' at the party and ' being intentionally rude'.
My family got involved and hers both told her she was being silly and making a show.

We were there for about two hours when we said we had to get baby home anyway, I did find her on the way out. I feel bad for saying anything actually. It was along the lines of

'I'm sorry that this is hard for you, I have no idea how your feeling but I imagine it's heartbreaking. But the limelight isn't yours to steal, it's DB's birthday and the only thing people will remember is this.'

I feel bad but I know so many of you told me to stand up for myself.

My brother sent me a message apologising for her behaviour and he's shocked she had the capacity to act like that'.

To be continued I'm afraid 😳

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 14/11/2017 12:10

Well your DP was a bit daft to say that tbh knowing the situation. He must have known what would hapoen! I wonder if he did it to deliberetly cause trouble

Your timing with talking to your SIL was off too. Not excusing her behaviour but none of you come out of this looking good imo.

MimiSunshine · 14/11/2017 12:18

I disagree. She chose to lie, he chose not to.

It sounds like he could have easily said ‘not so busy we couldn’t pop over’ but if he’s the kind of person who’s fairly straight down the line then he just said the truth.

Anyway it sounds like SIL was going to find a reason to kick off no matter what, at least now the wider family have seen it and stepped in so you don’t really need to

ohfourfoxache · 14/11/2017 12:20

Oh god, it sounds awful Little Sad

I do feel sorry for her, but her behaviour is absolutely bar shit. And unfair, and cruel.

I think you did the right thing by standing up to her, and I also think that this might be a good thing that her attitude is now out in the open. At least everyone knows now that it’s not you avoiding people, it’s her trying to isolate you

Original poster
Littlejayx · 14/11/2017 12:27

Yes my DP has absolutely no filter. Which I love and hate in equal measures.

OP posts:
Kintan · 14/11/2017 12:38

It’s good that both families have now seen for themselves her unreasonable behaviour towards you. Hopefully this will force her to get the help she needs to come to terms with her situation as it is at the moment. Hope it didn’t completely ruin your brother’s birthday.

HashiAsLarry · 14/11/2017 12:39

That sounds awful little though hopefully it will be good as your dbro may now see how bad things have gotten with sil and may be able to help her.

I feel a bit for your dh tbh. I can be very literal in situations like that and would probably have done the same. My brain can work these things out with time but not instantly. It screws things up as often as it helps Blush

FilthyforFirth · 14/11/2017 12:47

Sorry things were awkward, bu think you did the right thing standing up to yourself. It is too much expecting you to lie I think.

Hopefully as awful as this was for both of you it might be a catlyst for some positive change.

mummarosie1 · 14/11/2017 12:50

Your DH is obviously very direct and tbh I like that! Got everything out in the open and I think what you said to SIL is entirely reasonable given her behaviour. Good on you.

flumpybear · 14/11/2017 13:05

Bloody hell!! Glad you stood up for yourself, your SIL is outrageous! Fair enough she’s suffering because of infertility but trying to make your daughter disappear is not an acceptable response, and absolutely it was your brothers party not her party - she’s well out of line - glad you all went as a family and didn’t have your little bundle shamed into sitting in the car instead of being invited as a guest I her own right

Aderyn17 · 14/11/2017 13:06

I too think your dh did the right thing. She made you out to be rude to her own relatives - you don't owe it to her to collude in her lies, to make yourselves look like the bad guys. Like mimi said, she chose to lie, he chose not to.

HeebieJeebies456 · 14/11/2017 13:13

Good on your dh for speaking up and standing up to this narcissistic cow.
Perhaps if more people stood up to her bullshit instead of enabling it she wouldn't behave the way she does?

My other half then piped up saying we didn't know they wanted to
Which is the truth - and he didn't point fingers at anyone.
I would have used this opportunity to take the phone numbers of the family members who are interested in meeting the baby so you don't have to go through sil (narcs just LOVE being able to control all sides by being the only point of contact).

SIL went into panic / defensive mode and lied and said we have been really busy and haven't been around
Ahhh yes.....making you out to be the 'bad guys' who have no interest in wider family........
She's got a nerve bullshitting about you to your face! Shock
Why couldn't she make up some other excuse?

If you dh had not stood up to her, she would have been dripping poison into her families ears about you.

She's a nasty piece of work and hopefully your brother will tire of her antics at some point.
I'm glad her own family had words with her about it Grin

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 13:40

Fucking hell! What an update!
I was hoping that was the end of it to be honest but what an awful woman!
Lies lies and lies again.
I too agree that your DP did the right thing. Why should you have to cover up for the awful behaviour!
After 14 IVFs I can say I never treated anyone like this whilst we went through the absolute horror that is fertility treatment and I still wonder if we are totally sane because of all the heartache, pain, hormones and emotions we went through.

mrsharrison · 14/11/2017 15:30

Infertility didnt cause this. She's a self absorbed woman who rails at the world when she doesn't get what she wants. I'm sure she's nice when life is going well but she reveals her weak character when life throws awful challenges.
Her freudian slip about you stealing HER limelight says it all.
I'm glad you stood up to her.

schoolgaterebel · 14/11/2017 15:40

That's quite an update!

I would just carry on as normal now, attend family events with your DD (and possibly host your own) DD is part the family now.

ElspethFlashman · 14/11/2017 15:45

She was gonna kick off about something. I notice that she blamed you even though all you'd done is show up with the baby.

I feel sorry for her but she should never have kicked off in public at her husband's birthday party. She could have kicked off by text later on, or the next day. Poor guy couldn't even have a drama free night.

Mittens1969 · 14/11/2017 16:16

Thanks for the update, OP. You handled that really well. Well done for standing up to SIL, now it’s been said and you no longer need to hide away. Smile

She’s obviously hurting but there’s no excuse for making life difficult for you.

browneyes77 · 14/11/2017 16:23

Well your DP was a bit daft to say that tbh knowing the situation. He must have known what would hapoen! I wonder if he did it to deliberetly cause trouble

I disagree. I think her DP was quite within his rights to say what he said. And I honestly don’t think he said anything nasty or untrue. I’d have said the same thing as him!

Why should the family be led to believe that the OP and her DP are to blame for them not seeing the little one? She chose to lie. She could’ve told the truth and said it was hard for her etc - they may have understood and supported her or agreed not to meet DD in front of SIL. But to flat out lie and make OP the bad guy isn’t on. And she got called on it and rightly so.

And OP I think what you said to her was spot on. I was literally sitting here saying the same thing when you said she’d accused you of ‘stealing her limelight’! It’s not her bday it’s your DB’s - ergo not her day or limelight to steal. And why would she think you were stealing any limelight? That comment makes me wonder if her reasoning for not wanting your DD there was all that she says it was.

What she is going through is tough, but the way you have been treated and the lies that have been told are unfair.

BewareOfDragons · 14/11/2017 16:40

Your SIL behaved very badly: she lied, she made a scene, and she made it about her. I'm glad both sides of the family have gotten to see it, tbh, because it's grossly unfair for her to be spinning tales about you. This is about her.

I feel sorry for your brother, OP. If she can't start to behave reasonably and rationally with her DH's family, her marriage may end up in jeopardy.

Bunnystew · 14/11/2017 16:57

I wish you had done as advised and gone to see her a few days or hours before the celebration. Probably she would have got all that upset out of the way before the big do.

Bunnystew · 14/11/2017 17:00

It was fine for your DH to be honest. However knowing she’s struggling to conceive, it was unkind of you both to make the first time the baby met sIL and DB to be at this celebration. You should have hooked up beforehand (hours or days or weeks before) rather then during

Fishface77 · 14/11/2017 17:04

Bunny she didn't want to meet the baby!

Bunnystew · 14/11/2017 17:19

Yes which is why it was important to do a surprise visit at an earlier date rather then at the celebration

Bunnystew · 14/11/2017 17:26

I actually feel a bit sorry for SIL with the way it’s been handled. She’s obviously really struggling. I baby should be at celebration and that DB needs to meet baby. But the timings were crap to allow for her emotional state.

Bunnystew · 14/11/2017 17:27

Probably she doesn’t mean out shining anyway. Its probably more to do with feelings of pain she holds and trying to manage them.

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