Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL won't see my baby.

768 replies

Littlejayx · 05/11/2017 19:44

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

OP posts:
Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/11/2017 20:02

get a babysitter and have some empathy have you read the thread Sheila ?? There are younger babies there from TBD SIL's side, it's not even her birthday. This isn't am infertility issue it's an issue with the SIL being a bitch!!

Go and take your dd and fuck your SIL

NannyOggsKnickers · 05/11/2017 20:03

No Sheila but everyone is going through something. Do we all have the right to stick it to others to relieve our pain?

Another poster made a good point- what happens when the child is old enough to realise what is going on. What a fucking awful thing to do to a child by making them understand that you essentially wish they didn’t exist.

It is possible to be sad for yourself and not be a twat to others. Just because people are in emotional pain doesn’t give them the right to make another persons life difficult. Where would that spiral end?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:04

I guess the thing is, reasonable or not, what would be personally offended achieve? Do you want her to feel bad? I can see why that would be satisfying, but it's not going to help you forge a closer relationship, is it? I think you have to work out what the best outcome under the circumstances is - and that might be never seeing her again. But if that's not it then accusing her of having a personal animus towards your child isn't going to be productive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/11/2017 20:04

She's invited a one month old sheila and it's OPs brother's birthday, not SILs so most important that HE enjoys it. With HIS whole family too.

WineGummyBear · 05/11/2017 20:04

She's obviously having a really really tough time so I would not take it personally. It's not personal.

She's being unreasonable. You know this. Your brother knows this. She probably knows this. The question is what to do about it.

I also wondered if your pregnancy coincided with a pregnancy that she lost. That would explain why she's focusing her hurt on your daughter.

I'm trying to think what on earth I would do in your shoes....Speak to your brother? Worst case scenario none of you go.

She's being very unreasonable. But... horrible as this is for you, it's almost certainly worse for her.

Bitsandbobsalot · 05/11/2017 20:04

I’ve had major fertility issues with many fertility treatments which failed and miscarriages. Pregnancy announcements and newborn babies broke my heart a little BUT you know what I did I smiled, congratulated and went home and had a little cry in private with my oh not exclude family from get togethers or refuse to talk to someone because they are lucky enough to be blessed with a baby. I wouldn’t wish fertility problems on anyone. If you had a baby or not she’d (like me) still have fertility issues. I think you should be sensitive to it but imo she’s out of order not inviting you.

Ameliablue · 05/11/2017 20:04

If she is including a 1 month old it isn't about babies being too hard to bear, she is being very unreasonable.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 05/11/2017 20:04

And as for suggestions to just take the baby, that would be horrendous and make the night true key miserable for her. Either make alternative arrangements with a baby sitter and express or don’t go.

Iloveacurry · 05/11/2017 20:04

But the point here is that she has babies and children from HER side of the family but is excludings OPs baby! If she has a problem or gets upset around babies etc why are her family’s going to be there?!

Fitzsimmons · 05/11/2017 20:05

All the posters who are saying that the OP should have some sympathy with SIL, did you miss the part where OP wrote that there would be a one month old from SIL's side of the family??

If it's a whole weekend long event and you can't talk to your brother because it's a surprise then personally I think you should just turn up with DD. Are other members of your family going to be there? If so you can turn to them for support.

DoJo · 05/11/2017 20:05

Just go- what's she going to do? She can hardly admit on front of everyone that she randomly excluded you from your own brother's party!

Booagain · 05/11/2017 20:06

That’s incredibly mean of your SIL!! Don’t go and tell your brother why you’re upset. He should be having words with her as if he accepts it, it’s like setting a precedent.
I get she’s upset but life is not always kind, unfortunately, and you are family and shouldn’t have to suffer her upset when you’ve done nothing.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/11/2017 20:07

Why would open not take her baby? There are younger babies invited, it's not sil's birthday. No way, make a stand on this now, she doesn't have to see her but she doesn't get to exclude a family member, no fucking way

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/11/2017 20:08

*op not open

PoppyFleur · 05/11/2017 20:09

sheila sorry I disagree with you completely. Infertility is exceptionally hard, believe me I know. But aiming that pain and anger at another person just because in the lottery of life they have not experienced the pain of infertility is appalling behaviour. Especially as the nieces and nephews from SIL side of the family have not been excluded. How can you explain that?

OP - do you think this behaviour could be due to you having the first grandchild on your side of the family?

Doilooklikeatourist · 05/11/2017 20:09

Just go and take the baby with you
She’s being batshit crazy and it’s not about her , it’s your brothers birthday

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:09

I think at some point - perhaps after this birthday, whatever you decide to do - you need a really open and honest chat with your brother. One possibility - and I obviously am not saying this is the case, as I have no way of knowing - is that she finds something about the way you talk about your child less sensitive than her own family. I have fertility problems and there is one particular friend that I just can't see because she is so smug about her child, and can talk about nothing but them. I can deal fine with all the other parents of young children in my life, but not her. There might also be other factors - eg all of hers have fertility struggles, but that yours came very easily. I'm not saying that's at all fair of her, but while it wouldn't justify her different attitude it might explain it.

origamiwarrior · 05/11/2017 20:09

The OP has already said in her updates that the baby looks just like her brother (i.e. looks like what the SIL's baby would look like if she had one). I expect she's seen a photo, and the likeness to too hard to bear.

I think people on here should cut the SIL some slack. And I think the OP should just explain that she will be unable to go as the baby is EBF.

GabsAlot · 05/11/2017 20:10

shs a bitch its nothing to do with your dd sh wants to exclude you

DartmoorDoughnut · 05/11/2017 20:10

Just take the baby with you, it’s not as if she’ll kick you out with the rest of the family's kids running about/being there

Athome77 · 05/11/2017 20:10

I lost my last baby at 16 weeks, it was very hard, my brothers girlfriend was pregnant at the same time and had her baby 4 months later. Even though it was hard I brought a present etc and would never consider excluding this child from anything, it wasn’t her fault I had a miscarriage.

Your sil sounds crazy.

Shiela2017 · 05/11/2017 20:10

Nocabbageinmyeye you're right sorry I didnt read it properly - There will be a month old baby there anyway. Well she's jealous isn't she, I would take the baby round to her house before hand to meet her. It might be a bit upsetting for her but she will get over it after seeing the baby xxx good luck

Dontsweatthesmallstuff · 05/11/2017 20:10

Can you speak to your parents about it?

If children from her side of the family are invited then the excuse that it would be upsetting for her to have your dd there is quite frankly bullshit.

I maybe come at this from a different biased perspective as my brother died before at 36 and i would give anything to have been able to celebrate his 40th birthday with him.

I think you should just all go and feign ignorance/confusion/misunderstanding about dd not being invited if its mentioned.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 05/11/2017 20:10

Out of interest, how did she tell you you couldn't bring DD, and that it was too hard for her? Text, conversation?

Venusflytwat · 05/11/2017 20:11

Of course she’s behaving badly. But the OP either confronting her or turning up with the baby isn’t going to help anything.

Just make other plans. Better plans. Go and enjoy your husband and baby.

Keep the moral high ground.