SIL won't see my baby.

[Littlejayx]

It's not something I wanted to post but I need advice.

I have a four month old daughter, the first grandchild for my parents, I am the youngest of four. My brother and his wife have been trying to conceive for over four years.

I am very close with my brother and is very much a people pleaser. His wife ignored me over many family events, to which my brother told me it was hard for her (which I understand).

But now is basically 'birthday season' in my family many having land mark birthdays. My brother will be turning 40 and having a weekend full of celebrating. It's a big family thing where all the children from her side have been invited including her nieces and nephews ( ages from one month old to 7 years ) My partner and I have been invited but not my daughter as it's too hard for her to see her.

My brother on the other hand sees her as much as possible but alone.

Would I be unreasonable to take this personally? It's very hard to be singled out because obviously I won't be going anywhere without her

This is all my POV hopefully nothing too upsetting on here. Long ass post though!!

I'm currently 28 weeks pregnant. I conceived at 37 and will be 38 when she's born. I'm fully aware of how lucky I've been. We planned to start TTC after our wedding, I was 34. A few months after I was literally struck down out of nowhere with a painful vulva condition (which still isn't 100% and never fully diagnosed). No sex for us for a year and a half. The reaction down there whenever we tried was horrific.

At the same time, you have that awareness of babyness expected from you. Being in my mid thirties and the eldest of my mother's side grandchildren, it was quite accute. That expectation of being 'the first'. Whilst on the sex ban, the inevitable happened and the next oldest grandchild, my cousin, announced her pregnancy. Then another cousin. Then my little brother. Yes it hurt, but I didn't see that much of my cousins and by the time my nephew was born the plethora of babies (close friends also had theirs) was old hat and I was ok.

However if I'm being honest, there was always the hope of producing the first grandchild on my husband's side. Yes all babies are special of course they are, there is just I don't know...something about having that joy of being able to make yourself so happy and giving those closest to you the same happiness. Probably not making sense!

Anyway, this year marked DH's brothers marriage and back in January I had to have a really good think about the possibility we might not be first after all. That his siblings might continue to provide the grandchildren and years down the line, when grandkids were part and parcel; not new and exciting and shiny anymore, I might eventually limp over the finish line with a baby and everyone would be too busy to give a shit about us. There would be no big fuss, not on the kind of level the 'first' got anyway. More of a consolation style pat on the back and a 'yes well done you finally did it, what a shame it took so long'. Or, never even getting there. The heartache and the knowing that you are going to be someone that people pity.

Yes it sounds so silly written down but that's feelings for you I guess.

As I said, I'm lucky. After an ectopic last year and surgery to remove endo we finally got pregnant and I didn't have to deal with the feelings of being overtaken yet again in the baby stakes. I really don't know how I would have dealt with it; although I wouldn't have been able to avoid the baby (DH would be very supportive - but would also tell me to give my head a wobble).

But that cycle of heartache still goes on. One of my closest friends has recently had her third miscarriage. Another friend is also pregnant and due around the same time she would have been. She keeps in touch and is happy for us, but cannot see us in person, and it's so sad. She doesn't want to be apart from us but she needs to protect herself and we understand.

Anyway. Back to you OP. Given my experience I'm firmly in the do not 'just bring your baby to the party and SIL can get over herself' camp. There is a time and place to address this with SIL, however a party she has organised, albeit for your brother, is not it. She's probably confided in her friends and family about her feelings towards you and the baby. Bring that baby in and she will feel all eyes on her. Those pitying eyes. Watching her. Her reaction. Is she ok? Is she going to cry, storm out, shout, have a breakdown? Her every move now on public parade. I can't see how well that will end for anyone.

I would address it after the party, but definitely before Christmas. No public parade, no group shaming her out of her 'attitude' on WhatsApp. Just a reach out between you and her, then hopefully a talk with just you and her, no baby. Small steps. Let her know you acknowledge her hurt, but she has to find a way to cope. She might not get over it, ever or until she has her own baby. She might not want 'a hold' of yours. And she doesn't have to. All she has to work towards is being in the same room as the whole family at Christmas, and to just be civil. And that will do. In time she may change and be a wonderful aunt. Or plaster on a happy smile. The civil stage won't happen in time for the party, so work towards Christmas, hope it works out.

Anyway, this year marked DH's brothers marriage and back in January I had to have a really good think about the possibility we might not be first after all. That his siblings might continue to provide the grandchildren and years down the line, when grandkids were part and parcel; not new and exciting and shiny anymore, I might eventually limp over the finish line with a baby and everyone would be too busy to give a shit about us. There would be no big fuss, not on the kind of level the 'first' got anyway. More of a consolation style pat on the back and a 'yes well done you finally did it, what a shame it took so long'. Or, never even getting there. The heartache and the knowing that you are going to be someone that people pity.

Yes it sounds so silly written down but that's feelings for you I guess.

It sounds more than silly to be honest. It sounds a very disordered way of looking at having a baby. Are you going to be blase and bored when your husband's brothers produce a baby? I doubt it. I'm delighted you are pregnant and sorry your path to it was so hard - and I do understand you are reaching into some of your feelings to try to empathise with the SIL but really and truly the rest of us who produce the second or third or tenth grandchild have equally produced a shining unique human being who is just as deserving of love and in normal families those subsequent grandchildren are equally loved and made feel included.

The problem I have with the SIL in this case is that while understanding that her infertility is a deep blow and will affect her emotions, she isn't expressing a wish to avoid baby-showers/parties with babies/babies. She is avoiding one particular baby - just one, one with a name and a face and a personality and parents who love her. If it were my baby who was being sent to coventry like this, I couldn't help but draw the conclusion that SIL would be happier if my baby had not been born. Now that's not a feeling I'd like to have to deal with.

I do think there is truth to this about not getting the first child. This still doesn't change the fact that this is a baby being excluded by her aunt for no other reason then the aunts feelings. I personally do not think waiting until after the party is a good time to deal with this as this whole situation is awkward regardless. Only baby missing, awkward. Not going, awkward. Bringing baby, awkward. Better to get this on the table and have a heart to heart with SIL, but she needs to understand that she can not exclude any of the children/babies.

for everyone who has been affected by this topic.

Infertility and baby loss do terrible things to our minds, they really do. Often, all rational process can completely vanish ( as has happened here)

SIL seems to have projected everything into you and DD simply 'being'
I think your brother could have helped matters by being more open about their choices in seeing you both.
Yes it is a private matter, but when you are so directly targeted, it's unreasonable not to have involved you.

I have suffered losses alongside pregnant friends and that was painful enough.
I have also been pregnant and had people unable to be around me.
That hurt, a lot - but I can appreciate their hurt was far worse.

You were close before this, can you really not show up to hers alone plenty beforehand with cake and gently but firmly tell her you miss her, you want to be there for her, and you want her to be DDs auntie, let her know that she can speak about her pain with you if she wishes.
See if she would be amenable to small, private visits with DD-no audience, no pressure, no bollocky 'ooh you next' comments from old Aunt Beryl in the corner
She has not covered herself in glory, saying that to you at the funeral wasn't appropriate, but that part of her isn't functioning rationally.
I would attempt resolution sooner rather than later as you will feel less tolerant once DD becomes aware.

I think your other brother could help out a bit more than he already has - he's set the scene, but now he could follow up with "Really? When I spoke to LittleJay, she didn't seem to understand why only her baby was excluded AT ALL and is quite upset about it. Why is it only Dniece who is not invited? And how is your husband going to feel when he realises you've excluded his much-loved niece from HIS birthday celebrations?"

Your brother who is married to her can't do it because he doesn't know about the party. Your parents probably don't want to get involved or upset her and you can't do it because you're not in the group chat - so really, he's the only one left who could continue this discussion with her and bring this into the open.

I agree it really has to be resolved prior to the party, you can't just leave it til then to make a decision.

Stay at home under her duvet and pray!

I did that for twenty years etzy - it didn't work.

What seems strange to me is that the SIL has engineered this difficult situation when it was completely avoidable. As she decided to organise her dh's party as a surprise it was totally in her hands. So why set up a very large whole weekend family orientated event if people bringing their children are likely to upset you? It seems very OTT - 40th birthday parties are usually a single event aren't they? An evening party for friends and family, or a fancy meal for family or a cool experience for a small group of friends / just you and your partner are the norm in my experience.

The SIL has set up a group chat for it seems everyone but her and partner and has planned events that deliberately exclude her. That has to be pretty hurtful and I can't imagine the SIL isn't aware of that. I think if I were the OP I'd not go at all, and if I was the brother, partner or parent I'd opt out too. Of course it's important to be sensitive to the SIL who is perhaps in a lot of pain, but this feels a bit like inviting the whole class except for one person, it doesn't really matter why you do it, it's still very unkind.

Hi all,

After reading all these responses it has really struck a beaver. I knew things must have been hard for for both her and my brother but not to the extent of some of your responses. So I called her last night.

She I explained that I knew children were invited and it was only my girl who was being missed out. It was very hard to try and get sense out of her because she must have been embarrassed.
She went on to explain that she knows it was wrong and that she knew I would find out but it was between me being 'about upset' or her being 'heartbroken for seeing her' it was a long conversation and I think she was really trying to be abit rude (defensive I think) but I just let it all slide over my head.

We have talked it all over and be it we aren't going to be the best of friends again, she now knows that isolating just me and my little family would make things 100% worse.

She also said things may change when she is abit older. Which again I don't think it's fair someone picking and choosing when to start seeing a baby so I did stand up for myself there.

So we are going to the party all together, I won't allow anything to ruin this for my brother as many of you have said he's going through all this as well and could do with a family and friends weekend.

It has also come out that all her family have been dying to meet the baby, but she has been fobbing them off saying I'm too busy to see them (SIL is from a massive African family and would all like too have a celebration as per their customs which we would love) so I am upset that I've been made to look rude but again just lettting it go.

I'd like to thank you all so much, all the advise you have given have (almost) sorted things. I have put my foot down (lightly) but still made her know I will always be there if she needs me , but that singling out my baby is not okay. I hope she gets that !

MissScarlett
It is very very said when people are childless by circumstance. I struggled to conceive and had a few ivf attempts so I’m aware I’m one of the lucky ones. Were the sil upset by all babies and young children, I would totally agree with bigmac that the pain is too intense.

However, this is not the case. This one particular baby is being singled out for reasons unknown. To suggest otherwise is untrue and distressing to op, who is deeply concerned about the position of her child within the family and the future mental health of her child. For her dd will come to realise fairly early on she is the unflavoured child. One person’s pain does not trump another’s especially when it involves a child, who will form part of their identity based on this knowledge. There are posts upthread, which bear testament.

The child is the innocent party. As a person, who was treated abominably in my family and the family scapegoat, I will advocate for the child. Because they are a child. As the mother of a child, whose brother and sil have made into the family scapegoat, and whose grandmother (my mother) attempted to do the same, I will advocate for the child. Always.

Not struck an beaver , that's not a thing. Struck a nerve

Well done for calling up op - sounds like you were firm but still kind.

Oh LittleJay - bloody well done you! that must have taken some courage, to call her and tell her that you knew.

I am so glad that you have managed to sort it out prior to the party, and that she has been made more aware (she must have known to some extent!) how really off her behaviour was.

I hope the party goes well and I hope that she's not too upset with people cooing over your baby, as I think that might make things worse in the long run. Might be an idea to have a "get out" excuse if things get too much for your DD, and/or you.

As an aside - I did wonder about the "struck a beaver" thing - made me smile! Maybe it should be a thing.

I have so much admiration for the mature way in which you have handled this difficult situation, OP. Well done.

Well done op! As much as my heart breaks for her, she needs to understand that your gorgeous little dd is an important part of your brothers life and she needs to put that before her own feelings (as tough as that is). I hope that she can find a way to try to come to terms with her infertility, for her own sake

Well done little
Tbh I imagine you've probably saved her some massive embarrassment. If you'd shown up without the baby, and all her family were asking, you could have dropped her right in it in the middle of the party. That would have been a lot harder to explain.
Please leave beavers alone though

Offer to go meet with her a day before the weekend so she can get all the emotions out of the way and enjoy the party. I understand it’s hard for her but excluding the baby isn’t fair

Was quite surprised but this actually prompted me to have rather a horrid nightmare.

I have fertility issues & MC's, yet it doesn't appear to affect any one else in my family. I'll joke you'll never understand the true pain of infertility since you're able to brush past DP & get pregnant, they'll laugh, I'm actually being serious. When one does stick it inevitably ends in MC.

Actually it was my SIL who I made the mistake of telling we were starting fertility tx. She had to be the first to make her parents Grandparents. I had a loss. It affected both of us. Some really horrid happened but it's a bit outing.

We went to the hospital to see our niece, SIL goaded me by saying stuff like you could be happier, well can't use that as a picture, let's get one with just DB & DN as ZVH's smile isn't right. I only ever got to hold her for a few minutes when visiting as SIL insisted DN be passed elsewhere. When my ex got upset a few times his SIL gave me daggers like I chose to lose the babies. I said I'd watch DN in her chair whilst they did something in a different room, that wasn't allowed. As our house wasn't show home perfect she insisted her DB celebrate his birthday at hers. I'd had surgery & couldn't go.

DN was born around our due date of a loss too.

So it does seem there's some kind of agenda against infertile folk.

I'm saddened to see the language being used.

I don't get why OP doesn't message SIL & say I hear there's going to be a newborn there, so DD can come in?

It's so simple it's laughable.

Maybe SIL knows that DH's family will be making a big fuss of OP's baby on her DH's special day and it'll sting a bit.

I don't get the need for drama, infertility, miscarriages and still birth affects both parties not just one. Does no one think that OP's DB confides in SIL he finds it hard too? He's probably shed tears and had off days.

If it is just SIL who will find it hard, it's obvious her husbands family will be all about the baby, which takes the onus off his birthday and rubs both their noses in it. Especially since OP has said there's a resemblance. Let's have a picture of birthday boy with DN.

Life is hard when dealing with infertility, it breaks up marriages. It causes untold heartache.

OP please just contact SIL & say you know babies will be there, will a flying visit be ok for a short while with DD. Put yourself in both their shoes.

Did she actually say your baby wasn’t invited but the babies of her family members were? I am wondering how she worded this to you, as it really makes no sense excluding your baby and not others.

Well done littlejay

You did the right thing. Hopefully this will be a wake up call to her that the narrative she’s created in own head. It sounds like she’s not talking to anyone and that is incredibly dangerous. She needs some support and a massive wake up call before her destructive behaviour ruins family relationships that she’s going to need later.

Seen all is sorted - hallelujah!

Well done, really good you called

Well done, OP, you handled it really well. It was really brave.

Well done for doing what is right for your child. Under the circumstances, this is the best outcome you could have hoped for.

Well done littleJay, you have dealt with this with kindness.
Your SIL behaviour needed challenging, and you challenged her in a kind and considerate manner.
Hopefully she will realise the joy her niece can bring her despite her sorrow. But she can only realise that if she has the opportunity to meet her.